web analytics
July 29, 2014 / 2 Av, 5774
Israel at War: Operation Protective Edge
 
 
Judaism
Sponsored Post
IDC Advocacy Room IDC Fights War on Another Front

Student Union opens ‘hasbara’ room in effort to fill public diplomacy vacuum.



Anguish That Does Not Go Away: Reader Responses


Jungreis-Rebbetzin-Esther

For the past few weeks my column has focused on the difficulties singles experience while trying to find their soul mates. The response has been so overwhelming that before adding more of my own comments, I will share two reader e-mails with you, one from a single woman, the other from a shadchan directed at the anguished, thirty-plus single whose letter in my Jan. 16 column started this discussion.

(B’ezras Hashem, in a future column I will publish more e-mails on the subject.)

Letter 1 – from G.K., a frustrated single:

Dear Rebbetzin:

I am writing this with much emotion. I am angry. I am frustrated. I am a bit heartbroken. I actually don’t know what to feel at this point, but I can tell you I have never felt like this in my life.

I am thirty years old and still in the dating parshah, but I’m not bitter about it. Baruch Hashem, I go out with very mentschlech men but, unfortunately, the matches haven’t been appropriate. I attend shidduch meetings, singles events, and Shabbatons and my profile is featured on various shidduch websites. I have watched many friends walk down the aisle to the chuppah, and my heart is filled with nothing but joy for them because I know that while my time has not yet come, hopefully it will – and soon.

It is not a very good feeling to have to call or meet with a stranger in order to ask for help in finding a husband because nothing else has worked. Some shadchanim take the time to really try to get to know you, but some only meet with you for minutes, insist on a “good” picture, and then, no matter how many times you try to call them, you reach a voicemail message or they never return your calls.

Let me explain what has led me to my current emotional unrest. I was given the name of a shadchan who works for a website. I called and told her a little about myself and what I am looking for in a mate. After exchanging pleasantries, the shadchan began barking at me: “How old are you?” “What do you do?” “What are you looking for?”

No sooner had I finished explaining the type of young man I was looking for than this woman said, “The type of guy you want only wants a model and you are no model. Beside which, guys like that are married by now. These men know what they want – and they don’t want you.”

I was speechless. When I finally regained my voice I angrily said, “How do you know I am not a model? You have no idea what I look like. How dare you say something like that to someone! You know nothing about me.”

She replied, “You are thirty years old. If you are a model, let me ask you: What have you done wrong? Why are you not married by now?”

This a shadchan?! This someone who is supposed to help frum men and women find their life partners? She’d never met me, yet she told me I am not attractive and it is my fault I am not married. When I asked her why she said that, she told me she was just trying to help. What type of “help” is she trying to offer? She ended the conversation by informing me, “Listen, you should really take the next guy who walks through your door or consider dating a divorced man with children, because that’s all you’ll get.”

Who is she to say what she said? Apparently, she is a highly recommended shadchan who doesn’t know how to speak to or treat people. She doesn’t know the damage she inflicts on individuals. Where is the chesed of “bein adam l’chaveiro – kindness and consideration extended to our fellow man”?

As I stated above, it is hard enough to make that call and ask for help, but to be met with such hostility and viciousness was horrifying. For the next few days her words echoed in my head like a bad nightmare – only it actually happened.

Shadchanim are supposed to help singles find their basherte. They should return phone calls to singles who request their assistance. There is no mitzvah in collecting profiles just to be able to say you have a treasure trove of profiles. I once called a shadchan five times over the course of two months and never received a call, text, or e-mail back. I finally got the message she was trying to convey – “I don’t have anyone for you and I am too busy to help you.” I never called her again, but at our initial meeting she had said, “Oh, I love you! In high school we would have been best friends. I have so many names in mind. Call me!”

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

Please use the Facebook Tab below to leave your comment:

2 Responses to “Anguish That Does Not Go Away: Reader Responses”

  1. Ramona says:

    Here is a completely different perspective–one that shows I and my friends are not alone in being happily single: http://www.bostonmagazine.com/articles/single_by_choice_why_more_of_us_than_ever_before_are_happy_to_never_get_married/page1

  2. Mysterious Lady says:

    The shadchan was probably very unhappy in her own marriage and was looking for someone weaker, more vulnerable to take out her own unhappiness on. Also, she was a bully and a sadist in her behavior toward someone in a vulnerable position. This is what I would have said: “Hashem has given me an appearance that attracts many men for the wrong reason. My mother always warned me to keep my distance from men who are attracted to me for superficial reasons. I immediately know when men do not have ruchnius in mind. This is why I am not married. Although I am careful to dress in the most tzniusdik way, I find myself surrounded by men (and their mothers) who are obviously looking for beauty. I am deeper than that and want someone who sees beyond the pleasing surface. All I will say is that you are mistaken in your assumption that I lack the qualities men are looking for. I will say no more about myself, since that would be untzniusdik.”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Loading Facebook Comments ...
Loading Disqus Comments ...
Current Top Story
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu
Bibi: ‘Death From Above, Death From Below’ Will Not Continue
Latest Judaism Stories
Weiss-072514

Just as the moon waxes, wanes and renews itself, so has the nation of Israel renewed itself through the millennia.

126_masei_web

Parshat Masei: Rabbi Fohrman addresses the age-old question, are we our brother’s keeper?

Hertzberg-072514

When Germany invaded neutral Belgium on August 4, England declared war on Germany. Thus, by the end of the first week of August all the major powers of Europe were at war.

Winiarz-072514

The Talmud teaches that the Beis HaMikdash was destroyed because of baseless hatred.

When taking any major step in life it is a good idea to carefully re-evaluate one’s past.

Ours is a small and intensely vulnerable people. Inspired, we rise to greatness. Uninspired, we fall

The enormity of Hiram’s accomplishments crazed him and deluded him into self-deification.

When Hashem first thought (if it could be) about creating the world, the middah of din was in operation.

Hallel On Purim?
“Its Reading Is Its Praise”
(Megillah 14a)

If the only person available to perform the milah on the eighth day is a person who is not an observant Jew, the milah should be postponed until a devout mohel is available.

It is apparent from the Maharsha that he does not see galus as atoning for killing accidentally; otherwise, this Gemara would not bother him.

It was found to be a giant deer tick living in her head – with its claws in her scalp.

While daydreaming about finding the perfect job, I never expected to be rewarded in spades for my aforementioned experience.

We are all entrusted with the mission of protecting our fellow Jews

Today, we remain Hashem’s nachal.

More Articles from Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis
Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis

Gratitude=Great Attitude. Appreciation is always appropriate.

The two words “thank you” have no time expiration; even if spoken after many years they’re as potent as ever.

Let us shake the heavens. Let us not stop until our boys and all our people are liberated from bondage.

Loving-kindness can cure the anger and bitterness in our poisonous world.

The Hebrew word for coincidence is mikreh, which comes from “karah min Hashem – it happened from G-d.”

Saying “thank you” to people to whom we are indebted is humbling – especially if we’ve been raised in a culture of entitlement.

To his very last day he struggled to transcend his pain so that he might impart Torah to all who visited him.

    Latest Poll

    Do you think the FAA ban on US flights to Israel is political?






    View Results

    Loading ... Loading ...

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/judaism/rebbetzins-viewpointrebbetzin-jungreis/anguish-that-does-not-go-away-reader-responses/2012/01/04/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: