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December 25, 2014 / 3 Tevet, 5775
 
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Posts Tagged ‘Dear Mother’

Chronicles Of Crises In Our Communities – 2/01/08

Wednesday, January 30th, 2008

We encourage women and men of all ages to send in their personal stories by e-mail to rachel@jewishpress.com or by mail to Rachel/ Chronicles, c/o The Jewish Press, 338 Third Ave., Brooklyn, NY 11215.

To all women, men or children who feel that they are at the end of their ropes, please consider joining a support group, or forming one.

Anyone wishing to make a contribution to help agunot, please send your tax-deductible contribution to The Jewish Press Foundation.

Checks must be clearly specified to help agunot. Please make sure to include that information if that is the purpose of your contribution, because this is just one of the many worthwhile causes helped by this foundation.

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Dear Rachel,

Your column is a pleasure to read each week. It is a safe space for anyone to express her/his heartfelt feelings, and for that I thank you.

Your latest discussion about needing to really be there for your spouse (Been there, done that – Chronicles 12-7) certainly came at an opportune time for me. My husband of 15 years walked out the door, explaining he loved me but was constantly hurt by being last on my “to do” list and was getting burnt by my stinging criticism.

After much self-analysis and help from an insightful Chabad rabbi and a frum therapist, I was able to see how tough I was to live with. There was no safety in our home for my husband, as he never knew what I would come up with next.

Let me clarify that I am a popular and fun person but am used to things done my way. I had no idea that I was upsetting my husband to the extent that he would leave. After promising to continue to work on myself, my husband is back.

I would never have thought that this could happen to me. I now think before I speak and do something kind every few hours. It doesn’t have to be time consuming, just thoughtful. The past few weeks have been great, and I only wish I would have known the importance of creating a safe and kind environment for my husband years ago.

Thank G-d it wasn’t too late for me

Dear Thank,

On behalf of readers who will surely benefit from your experience and your wise and sane approach, I thank you for taking the time to write.

Dear Rachel,

I’m writing this in response to “Frustrated Mother” (Chronicles 12-14).

Dear Mother,

I’m one of those singles of whom you speak. I may even know your daughters (or even be your daughter)! I just wanted to say that I fully sympathize with you. What you said about people suggesting shidduchim and never following up on them is so true. I completely agree that if people won’t follow up on their suggestions, they should never suggest them at all! This cannot be stressed enough.

I think that the reason that people do this is because they are trying to be nice and helpful but they don’t realize that instead they are doing the opposite. They have no idea that the girl/boy to whom they are suggesting the shidduch is standing on tiptoe and holding her/his breath while waiting for a phone call to know what’s happening.

I believe that all these people have never gone through this and don’t know how it feels, for I’m sure that if they did, they would never do this. They were, baruch Hashem, lucky to meet the right one right away and they don’t understand the crisis of which we speak.

If only everyone would read this and understand, but sadly, that’s not how it is. You, I and others who have gone through the same thing will know never to do it to other people, but we must give them the benefit of the doubt.

I also agree with Rachel that girls in their mid-twenties did not “miss the boat,” although unfortunately this is what most of our community has learned to think, so I see where you are coming from. If people would be a little more open minded, and learn to accept that not everyone has to get married at eighteen, there wouldn’t be such a big crisis.

I am sure that this is the nisayon of our generation and that we must be strong and pass this test! It’s sad that it has become a true nes when one finds his/her partner in life. I wish your daughters the best of luck, and I hope that they find their basherts really, really soon!

Dear Rachel,

Frustrated Mother is right on target. As long-time members of a shidduch group, we all know too well the built up frustration, disappointments, anxiety and despair as a result of phone calls that have never been returned, leads that never materialize, of promises that are seldom kept by well-meaning but unsuitable so-called shadchanim.

Shadchanis is not for everyone. That’s right. Not everyone is cut out for this task, which requires in the least: diligence, tact, diplomacy, self-control, maturity, loyalty, and most important – time. If you lack some of the above qualities, please do yourself and the prospective single a favor and stay away.

Channel your well-meant intentions by reciting a perek of Tehilim or working to perfect a midah in the zechus of a certain single, but please, please do not get involved unless you are determined to follow through on phone calls, leads and suggestions. For this job, only the most responsible and mature need apply. Why? Because we are dealing with Jewish neshomos, Jewish lives, future Jewish homes and kinderlech. Can you think of anything more important than that?

And it goes without saying that if your daughter/son/niece/nephew were in the shidduch parshah, you would want quick and up-to-date service. So, we ask, why not for others? Yes, get involved, but only if you bring your time, your efforts and your maturity with you for this truly holy task.

May Hashem send all Jewish singles their basherten b’karov.

Frustrated but still plugging away

Chronicles Of Crises In Our Communities – 6/30/06

Wednesday, June 28th, 2006

We encourage women and men of all ages to send in their personal stories by e-mail to rachel@jewishpress.com or by mail to Rachel/Chronicles, c/o The Jewish Press, 338 Third Ave., Brooklyn, N.Y. 11215.

To all women, men or children who feel that they are at the end of their ropes, please consider joining a support group, or forming one.

Anyone wishing to make a contribution to help agunot, please send your tax deductible contribution to The Jewish Press Foundation.

Checks must be clearly specified to help agunot. Please make sure to include that information if that is the purpose of your contribution, because this is just one of the many worthwhile causes helped by this foundation.

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Dear Rachel,

It seems I chose the wrong profession. Frum, young women don’t really do what I do anymore. I am an anomaly in my field and I’m lonely. I’m a stay-at-home mother.

What are we doing to our children? I see them everywhere – Russian, Spanish, black, non-Jewish babysitters – taking care of our little ones. I take my baby to the park, to the library, to lunch, to the learning center, and I am alone. Oh, the parks are packed with Jewish children, but no Jewish mothers. And when I finally do see a frum mother with a carriage, I pounce on her. Who are you? Where are you from?

You – mother of young children reading this – who leaves your precious children with babysitters while you are out all day – be it for work, the gym, lunch, the beauty salon, to shop – shame on you for not recognizing that Hashem has given you an unimaginable gift that you are too selfish or foolish to appreciate.

I’ve heard all the excuses and they are all pathetic: “My husband learns and I support the family.” You, who travel from Lakewood to Brooklyn and back again and sometimes don’t see your children at all until the weekend (which you sleep through due to exhaustion), call on any Gadol you want – go ahead and I dare you to do it right now – and ask him if your husband’s limud Torah is worth the sacrifice of chinuch habanim. He will say NO.

“We need two incomes to live on.” So do I. I work part time and have a sweet Russian babysitter who stays with my baby for three hours a day. I work from home, too, after the baby goes to sleep. Part-time work, even if you don’t need it, is a great way to get out a little. I understand that mothers need a break. And if part-time work is not enough, then beg. Borrow. Move to a community with a lower standard of living. Do whatever you have to do. Personally? I would sell the shoes off my feet before I’d let a stranger kiss my precious little neshamala good night.

“I have too many kids, too close together.” I’m not even going there. If you were too stupid to figure out the ABC’s of birth control, you’re probably too stupid to raise your own kids. Maybe they are better off with the babysitter.

“I love my kids, but it’s been my lifetime dream to be a lawyer, doctor.” Your baby needs a mommy. Not a babysitter, not a grandma, not even a daddy. A mommy. You made a lifetime commitment to that child the moment it was conceived, and it’s your duty to fulfill it. Don’t say you can be both – because you can’t. If you are a lawyer or a doctor and you work full time, then you are not a mother. Simple. True. Either wait until your children are in school – or don’t have kids.

How do you all live with yourselves – knowing that while you are out working or shopping or primping, your son took his first step and you weren’t there to hug him? That while you were away getting your “me time” your daughter splashed all the water out of her tub and giggled her head off nonstop for 10 minutes straight?

Believe it or not, it is you who is missing out. There is no joy that compares to the joy of loving your children. No job will ever come close. My daughter learned how to stand today. I came to her crib this morning and found her standing up for the first time, holding on to the bars and grinning her chubby little face off. That grin went straight to my heart. It will probably stay there about a year.

I went through some infertility problems before my daughter was born, and through my experience I met some extraordinary women. One with nine failed IVF cycles another with eight miscarriages. Every one of these women would happily sell themselves as maids if they could only know the joy of having children. And believe me, when they do, they won’t be dumping them off on non-Jews to raise.

People say not to judge. I say, JUDGE!! Let’s walk into the homes and schools of our communities and pull out these mothers and judge them – for the misguided, foolish, undeserving women that they are. Why is the teenage-at-risk population growing? Why are our children growing up and turning to drugs? Have you ever asked them? I have. And many say – because I needed my mommy. And she wasn’t there.

She wasn’t there.

Are you?

A Mother

Dear Mother,

You’ve laid out a most compelling argument against the working / absentee mom, with a delivery worthy of the most reputable prosecuting attorney this side of the planet. For sure, mothers who leave their tots in the endless care of others in order to freely traipse a self-serving agenda are deserving of your tongue-lashing, and more.

However, to be fair, one cannot judge another without walking in her shoes. If a break of several hours will help restore the equilibrium of the overworked high-strung mom, her child(ren) would likely benefit, rather than suffer, from such temporary separation.

To be fair, a woman who undertakes the support of her family while her man learns (be it Torah or trade – for limited duration) has every right to her choice. Who’s to say that this arrangement won’t serve them all for the better in the long run

To be fair, your own sense of gratitude has been appreciably heightened by the ordeal you had undergone before your desire to have a child came to fruition.

That a babysitter should be chosen with utmost care and evaluation goes without saying.

Hatzlacha and much nachas to Yiddishe mammas all over the globe!

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/chronicles-of-crises/chronicles-of-crises-in-our-communities-24/2006/06/28/

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