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Most Stupid Pope Headlines of the Week

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New pope, new Chinese president: Who’d win in a fight?

Good morning and welcome to our new series, which should last forever or end by next week, depending on the stars, the cosmos and whether or not I get up early enough:

Here’s a really insightful one:

New pope to bind simplicity with ‘complexity’

Mind you, only the complexity part gets the quotes on either side, simplicity gets by unscathed. Just one question — what the heck does it mean? Is it the same as “New pope to bind thinness with ‘obesity'”?

This one’s from the Guardian:

Pope Francis, first day after election – live updates

How do you deliver on such a promise — live updates on the new pope? Pope had breakfast. Pope meditated. Pope answered the phone. Pope fed parrot. Billions of believers want to know.

Another journalistic jewel from the Guardian:

Dennis Rodman at Vatican as cardinals choose new pope – video

I mean, wasn’t that the first thing all of us were eager to know — did Dennis Rodman make it to Vatican City in time for the announcement? And if so, can it be proven with an authentic video?

The Times of Israel had a calming message:

New pope hopes for ‘renewed collaboration’ with Jews

Because, let’s face it, the old collaboration against Jews was no fun at all.

This one, from Reuters, is rather colorful:

New pope? Unbelievers shrug, carp, titter

When was the last time you had a good carp? And why didn’t those unbelievers cod, or, better yet, snapper?

This AFP headline could be read wrong on so many levels:

New pope pays homage to Virgin Mary on first outing

Either someone has outed the pope — which was to be expected — or, much worse, someone has outed the Virgin Mary.

And finally, this rather dubious speculation from The Daily Maverick:

New pope, new Chinese president: Who’d win in a fight?

My money is on the Chinese guy — younger and looks to be in better shape.

About the Author: Yori Yanover has been a working journalist since age 17, before he enlisted and worked for Ba'Machane Nachal. Since then he has worked for Israel Shelanu, the US supplement of Yedioth, JCN18.com, USAJewish.com, Lubavitch News Service, Arutz 7 (as DJ on the high seas), and the Grand Street News. He has published Dancing and Crying, a colorful and intimate portrait of the last two years in the life of the late Lubavitch Rebbe, (in Hebrew), and two fun books in English: The Cabalist's Daughter: A Novel of Practical Messianic Redemption, and How Would God REALLY Vote.

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