web analytics
September 16, 2014 / 21 Elul, 5774
At a Glance
Judaism
Sponsored Post
Apartment 758x530 Africa-Israel at the Israel Real Estate Exhibition in New York

Africa Israel Residences, part of the Africa Israel Investments Group led by international businessman Lev Leviev, will present 7 leading projects on the The Israel Real Estate Exhibition in New York on Sep 14-15, 2014.



Dashed Expectations and Single Daughters (2)

The first thing you need to do is bring your burden to our loving Father. Speak to Hashem from the heart.
Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis

Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis

Two weeks ago I shared an e-mail I received from a rebbetzin who resides in a small community on the West Coast. She related that when she and her husband got married they wanted to commit themselves to rejuvenating our people with the light of Torah. An opportunity presented itself when they heard a small congregation was searching for a spiritual leader. The community grew by leaps and bounds and, baruch Hashem, they succeeded beyond their expectations.

The problem started when their two daughters returned from studying in Yerushalayim. Despite a four-year age difference, they were both at the shidduch stage. The rebbetzin and her husband decided they would not allow the younger one to date until her older sister was settled.

Time went by without a successful match. Finally, the older daughter moved to New York for the sole purpose of finding a shidduch. Eventually the rebbetzin and her husband decided they would take a one-year leave of absence from their shul and move to New York to help in the search.

Unfortunately, no shidduch was made and the rebbetzin and her husband returned home, leaving the younger daughter with her older sister in New York. Now the parents are wondering if they should allow the younger one to date before the older one, who’s fast approaching her late 20s, finds a shidduch.

The following is my response.

My dear friend,

I understand your worries and am sensitive to your concerns. Please bear in mind that many parents share your dilemma even though they reside in major Orthodox communities.

The first thing you need to do is bring your burden to our loving Father.  Speak to Hashem from the heart. Tell Him: “I tried to dedicate my life to bringing Torah to Your children , and in that merit please bring a shidduch to my daughters. I did my hishtadlus; I spared no effort – but so far it has been to no avail. Hashem, I leave it all up to You. You hold the key to all shidduchim so please place that key in the hands of my daughters and in the hands of the young men who are their basherts.”

Having done that, you must continue with your own efforts. You cannot sit by passively and just wait for miracles. I have several practical suggestions.

Be very careful to preserve the dignity of your older daughter. Don’t let her see you crying over her. Don’t let her hear you talking about her. Such an attitude can only be destructive – she may really come to believe there is no hope or future for her. Time and again I have told parents with older single children (especially daughters) to be on guard and refrain from placing salt in their wounds.

Your daughter is aware of her problem. Believe me, she doesn’t need reminders. The very fact that you decided to take a Sabbatical year in New York to be with your daughter, rather than in Israel to refresh yourself spiritually, is indication enough that you are worried about her.

So try to relax. When your daughter calls, don’t assail her with any questions she can interpret as “Any dates in the offing?” Limit yourself to questions like “How are you, sweetheart?” and “How’s your job?” In order words, innocent conversation-starters that do no harm. And be sure not to ask her whether she’s spoken to this or that shadchan or whether she’s followed up with this rabbi or that one.

Don’t chastise your daughter by saying things like “You can’t be passive; you have to keep on the backs of all the shadchanim or they’ll forget you.” You go to the shadchan on her behalf. You remind them.

You should impart confidence and hope in your daughter. If she brings up the subject, tell her not to worry and reassure her that her shidduch will come at the time Hashem has designated.

I know this is easier said then done. I know your heart is heavy and your pain is overwhelming – but you are a mother, and for the sake of your daughter you must remain calm.

You asked whether you should let your younger daughter date while her older sister is still single. This is a terrible dilemma for parents with more than one child of shidduch age. We have a well-established tradition that the older goes before the younger, but in situations such as yours it is not quite so simple.

Obviously you don’t want to hurt your older daughter at the expense of the younger. But in the traditional Jewish community the shidduch window for girls is very narrow, and holding back your younger daughter will not expedite the shidduch opportunities of your older one.

You should have a discussion with your older daughter and tell her how much you admire her generous and kind spirit and her ability to never begrudge others the opportunity for happiness. Give her your berachah that in the merit of her chesed, Hashem will bless her a thousandfold and that her intended mate will appear very soon.

I recognize this is a very difficult decision for you but if you prevent your younger girl from dating she may eventually find herself in the same situation as her sister.

With all that in mind, you might want to discuss this further with a trusted rav or rebbe.

I would also suggest that you tell your daughters to join us at Hineni and I will try to do my best, b’ezrat Hashem, to find them “that right one.”

May you and your husband have the nachas of seeing both of your daughters under the chuppah very soon. And may you see grandchildren and great-grandchildren committed to Torah and mitzvos.

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Dashed Expectations and Single Daughters (2)”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
American F-16 fighter jets
First Time: US Bombs ISIS Near Baghdad to Support Iraqi Troops
Latest Judaism Stories
15th century Book of the Torah

This week’s parsha offers a new covenant; a covenant that speaks to national life unlike any other

Leff-091214

All Jews are inherently righteous and that is why we all have a portion in the World to Come.

Grunfeld-Raphael-logo

If mourning is incompatible with Yom Tov, why is it not incompatible with Shabbat?

Taste-of-Lomdus-logo

Since it is a Rabbinic prohibition we may follow the more lenient opinion.

How can the Torah expect me today, thousands of years after the mitzvahs were given, to view each mitzvah as if I’m fulfilling it for the first time?

Torah isn’t a theological treatise or a metaphysical system but a series of stories linked over time

In contrast to her Eicha-like lamentations of the previous hour or more, however, my youngest was now grinning from ear-to-ear.

An Astonishing Miracle
‘Why Bring the Infants to Hakhel?’
(Chagigah 3a)

Question: I recently loaned money to a friend who has been able to repay only part of it. This was an interest-free loan. We exchanged a signed IOU, not a proper shtar with witnesses, since I have always trusted her integrity and only wanted a document that confirms what was loaned and what was repaid. Now that shemittah is approaching, what should I do? Should I forgive the loan? And if my friend is not able to repay it, may I deduct the unpaid money from my ma’aser requirement?

Name Withheld

e are in a time of serious crisis and must go beyond our present levels of chesed.

According to Ibn Ezra, the Torah was stressing through this covenant that hypocrisy was forbidden.

“Tony said that the code in most places in the U.S. is at least 36 inches for a residential guardrail,” replied Mr. Braun. “Some make it higher, 42, or even 52 inches for high porches. What is the required height according to halacha?”

Simcha is total; sahs is God’s joy in protecting us even when we are most vulnerable.

Not only do we accept You as our King, it is our greatest desire that the name of Your Kingdom be spread throughout the entire universe.

More Articles from Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis
Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis

“There is nothing new under the sun” is as valid today as it was yesterday.

Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis

The time immediately preceding Mashiach’s arrival is likened to the birth pangs of a woman in labor.

If we regard pain and suffering as mere coincidence, we will feel no motivation to examine our lives

What does Hashem want of us? That we should protect each other and the awesome heritage He gave us.

Gratitude=Great Attitude. Appreciation is always appropriate.

The two words “thank you” have no time expiration; even if spoken after many years they’re as potent as ever.

Let us shake the heavens. Let us not stop until our boys and all our people are liberated from bondage.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/judaism/rebbetzins-viewpointrebbetzin-jungreis/dashed-expectations-and-single-daughters-2/2013/11/07/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: