web analytics
September 19, 2014 / 24 Elul, 5774
At a Glance
Judaism
Sponsored Post
Apartment 758x530 Africa-Israel at the Israel Real Estate Exhibition in New York

Africa Israel Residences, part of the Africa Israel Investments Group led by international businessman Lev Leviev, will present 7 leading projects on the The Israel Real Estate Exhibition in New York on Sep 14-15, 2014.



Lack of Consideration


Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis

Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis

Dear Rebbetzin Jungreis:

Over the years, my family and I have been reading your column regularly, and I must commend you for the way in which you bring critical issues to the attention of the Torah community. I always marvel at the variety of subjects that are aired in your column, and every time you focus on a story, I ask myself what other issues can be left, but then, amazingly, your readers come up with a subject that has hitherto not been discussed. Well, I think that the subject that I am now bringing before you has yet to be aired.

My husband and I are the proud parents of six children, bli ayn hara. We are Yeshivishe people and live on a modest, tight budget. My husband is a rebbe in a yeshiva and learns the remainder of the day. I also teach, and between our two incomes we manage, although it’s difficult.

Recently, we had a Bar Mitzva for our son. For months prior to the simcha, we were debating as to how we should celebrate. My parents are not religious people. They are American in every way, and I became a ba’alas tshuva while in high school. My husband is also a ba’al tshuva, but he came to Torah when he was still in elementary school. He was influenced by Orthodox neighbors with whom he remains close to this day.

The reason why I am going into all this detail about our family background is so that you may appreciate the many problems engendered by our Bar Mitzva preparations. Both sets of parents insisted that we have a catered affair with music, etc. As I said, we are Yeshivishe, and that’s not our style. We would have been content with just a kiddush in a shul with our son reciting his pshetel (bar mitzva discourse). My husband and I felt, however, that our parents have had to accept so many changes in our lives that the least that we could do for them would be to try to accommodate them since their request was not in conflict with Torah. We took a catering hall and the simcha was great, but the cost was also great. As much as we tried to stick to a budget, additional costs kept cropping up. Once you become involved in something like this, you want everything to be as nice as possible, so you say ‘yes’ to many little things and before you know it, you’re in over your head.

But for all this, I am willing to accept responsibility. We made the decision … we wanted to please our parents, and Baruch Hashem, we accomplished that. But what we found very annoying, indeed, unforgivable, was the lack of consideration shown by many of our guests.

Like all ba’alei simcha, it took some time for us to draw up the guest list, adding, then cutting, trying to make certain that no one was insulted. Every guests represents an expenditure, and for people like us, that’s no small consideration. We were told by friends who had gone through the same experience, that we shouldn’t be afraid to invite more guests than we could handle because there is always a tremendous fall-off. On the average, they said, only 75 percent of those invited attend. To our surprise however, 95 percent responded in the affirmative, which was more than we had bargained for. But still, we were delighted to know that so many friends wanted to join us in our simcha.

And now, the reason for this letter: Of the 95 percent who responded that they would come, only 85 percent actually showed up! And even of those who did show, there were a number who stayed only for the smorgasbord, and left before we even sat down to the seudah (dinner), which of course, would have been fine, had they not indicated in their response that they were planning to stay for the entire dinner. We, of course, had to pay, regardless of the fact that their chairs were empty. You can’t imagine how aggravated I was when I walked around the room greeting out guests and finding empty chairs at every table. It’s not just the lack of consideration, but the sheer waste of money and food.

The Torah admonishes us not to be a ba’al tashchis (not to be wasteful), and some of these friends failed to take our feelings and resources into consideration. Besides, I must tell you that it was very depressing to see all the empty seats. We had worked so hard to make compatible table partners, and then to see that all our efforts were for naught, was to say the least, upsetting.

Initially, I was angry, but now that some time has passed, I have decided to channel that anger in a positive direction, so I am writing to you to make people aware that it is far better to say ‘no’ to an invitation than to respond with a ‘yes’ and then not show up. And if you plan to come to the smorgasbord and not stay for dinner, then have the courtesy to inform your host. Why should you cause someone financial loss and create hurt feelings?

I hope Rebbetzin, that you will publish this letter. I really feel that by airing these problems you are performing a great service to the Jewish community.

May you go ‘from strength to strength’ in all your wonderful undertakings.

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Lack of Consideration”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
A mother greets her lone soldier at Ben-Gurion airport.
El Al Reunites Parents of Lone Soldiers from ‘Protective Edge’ for Rosh Hashanah
Latest Judaism Stories
Teller-Rabbi-Hanoch-NEW

“he’s my rabbi” the Black painter said with pride, pulling out a photo of the Rebbe from his wallet

Rabbi Avi Weiss, head of theYeshivat Chovevei Torah. Rabbi Asher Lopatin will be replacing him as head of the school.

The Torah notes that even when we are dispersed God will return us to Him.

Rabbi Sacks

Simply, for Rambam the number 14 (2×7) was his favored organizing principle.

Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis

One of the cornerstones of our Jewish life is chesed, kindness. Chesed can only be taught by example

Our understanding of what is and what is not possible creates imagined ceilings of opportunity for us.

This young, innocent child gave me a powerful, warm surge of energy and strength.

The Chafetz Chaim answered that there are two forms of teshuvah; teshuvah m’ahava and teshuvah m’yirah.

Question: I recently loaned money to a friend who has been able to repay only part of it. This was an interest-free loan. We exchanged a signed IOU, not a proper shtar with witnesses, since I have always trusted her integrity and only wanted a document that confirms what was loaned and what was repaid. Now that shemittah is approaching, what should I do? Should I forgive the loan? And if my friend is not able to repay it, may I deduct the unpaid money from my ma’aser requirement?

Name Withheld

A Role Reversal
‘Return, O Wayward Sons…’
(Chagigah 15a)

When the Kleins returned, however, they were dismayed to see that the renters did a poor job cleaning up after themselves.

In Parshas Re’eh the Torah tells us about the bechira to adhere to the commandments of Hashem and refrain from sin. In Parshas Nitzavim, the Torah tells us that we have the choice to repent after we have sinned.

As Moshe is about to die, why does God tell him about how the Israelites will ruin everything?

Jonah objected to God accepting repentance based on ulterior motives and likely for short duration.

This week’s parsha offers a new covenant; a covenant that speaks to national life unlike any other

All Jews are inherently righteous and that is why we all have a portion in the World to Come.

More Articles from Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis
Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis

One of the cornerstones of our Jewish life is chesed, kindness. Chesed can only be taught by example

Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis

“There is nothing new under the sun” is as valid today as it was yesterday.

The time immediately preceding Mashiach’s arrival is likened to the birth pangs of a woman in labor.

If we regard pain and suffering as mere coincidence, we will feel no motivation to examine our lives

What does Hashem want of us? That we should protect each other and the awesome heritage He gave us.

Gratitude=Great Attitude. Appreciation is always appropriate.

The two words “thank you” have no time expiration; even if spoken after many years they’re as potent as ever.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/judaism/rebbetzins-viewpointrebbetzin-jungreis/lack-of-consideration/2001/05/30/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: