web analytics
August 28, 2014 / 2 Elul, 5774
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
Jerusalem Mayor Nir Barkat (L) visits the JewishPress.com booth at The Event. And the Winners of the JewishPress.com Raffle Are…

Congratulations to all the winners of the JewishPress.com raffle at The Event



Mending Fences

Respler-021513

Dear Dr. Yael:

We have been having a very difficult time with our oldest child who is now a teenager. When I ask her to do something she answers me in a chutzpadik manner, leading to an awful fight. Besides the terrible influence this is on our other children, I get very angry and end up responding to her in ways I later regret.

This cycle seems to just continue. I love her, but after our fights I cry myself to sleep. She is very respectful toward my husband, who tries to help by defending me. He feels torn between the two of us and is constantly trying to make peace. Whenever he asks our daughter to do something, she runs to do it. He is calmer than me; thus his personality makes him better able to deal with her. In short, I am in a terrible place with her.

My daughter is frum, is a good girl with friends, and is an excellent student whose teachers rave about her.

I know that the problem lies with me, as I had a terrible relationship with my mother. Unfortunately she passed away at a young age, and I live with much guilt. Yet, I find myself speaking to her the way my mother spoke to me.

I sometimes feel that Hashem is punishing me for the way I treated my mother. Please help me understand how I can change our relationship.

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous:

Since teenagers can be challenging, it is wonderful that you are seeking help to repair your relationship with your daughter. Many parents have a difficult time relating to their teenaged children, and wonder what happened to their sweet young child.

The difficulty lies in how teenagers perceive their surroundings. They often see the world as revolving around them and cannot understand why parents are always asking them to do things and putting limits on what they can do. The key for parents is to try to understand their teenaged child’s feelings and to speak with him or her in a concise and loving manner. Teenagers do not have patience for lectures and will tune out much of what you say.

For example, if you want to ask your daughter to help watch the other children and she says she can’t, you may want to go into lecture mode. Instead, say something like, “I really need your help, but if you can’t you must have a really good reason because you are usually very helpful. So I understand.” Your daughter will likely be astonished, as she was probably expecting a 10-minute lecture as to why she is being selfish and that she needs to work on it. She might say that she has the time to help after all. And even if not, she may begin to react to you differently.

Whenever you speak with your daughter remain relaxed and use a loving tone of voice. Tell your daughter how much you love her and how much you want to have a good relationship with her. Explain that because she is your oldest child she will sometimes be assigned more jobs than the others and that you will make every effort to be fairer when distributing those assignments. At the same time, you will try your best to give her more privileges.

Ask her what you can do to strengthen your relationship with her. Say something like, “I am sure you do not realize it, but I feel bad when you speak to me without derech eretz. Knowing that you are an amazing girl who gives us so much nachas, I do not know what to do to help you speak to me in a nicer tone. I notice that you have a lot of derech eretz for Abba, so I am not sure what I do to encourage a different reaction from you. I want to have a loving and giving relationship with you, so what do you think both of us can do to begin improving our relationship?” Hopefully this will result in a constructive conversation between the two of you, leading to positive change in your relationship.

Also, suggest a secret word that either of you can use when feeling badly about something the other is saying. This can help both of you realize when you are talking to each other in an unkind tone – and give you a chance to change. Try saying this: “Maybe it would be a good idea if we both try to talk differently with each other.”

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Mending Fences”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
A search team in the Jerusalem Forest looking for Aharon Sofer
Body Found in Jerusalem Forest Being Examined On Site by Abu Kabir Experts
Latest Sections Stories
Itzhak Perlman and Cantor Yitzchak Meir Helfgot together in concert.

Almost immediately the audience began singing and clapping and continued almost without stop throughout the rest of the concert.

Mordechai-082214-Armoire

As of late, vintage has definitely been in vogue in the Orthodox community.

Einhorn-082214-Water

Stroll through formal gardens, ride mountain bikes, or go rock climbing.

As they fall upon us we go
To the WALL.

One minute you’re shaving shwarma off a pit, then the shwarma guy tells you he read a (fake) WhatsApp that the boys are dead.

I probe a little deeper and Shula takes me into the world of phantom pains and prosthetic limbs.

This went on until she had immersed eighty times, and then Hashem at last took pity upon her.

Because Menachem lives in Israel, he can feel the ruach in the air.

Perhaps you can reach a compromise during this news frenzy, whereby you will feel more comfortable while he can still follow the latest events.

Leon experienced the War of Independence from a soldier’s perspective, while remaining true to his Jewish ideals and beliefs.

Chabad of Arizona centers recently hosted an evening of remembrance to mark the 20th yahrzeit of the Lubavitcher Rebbe.

More Articles from Dr. Yael Respler
Respler-Yael

Perhaps you can reach a compromise during this news frenzy, whereby you will feel more comfortable while he can still follow the latest events.

Respler-081514

There could be no Jewish-themed books and, as such, the lack of knowledge these boys displayed in regards to many of the topics we read about was clear.

Upon hearing that he did, the owner sent him the atarah – all shiny and new – to be returned to me. I was reunited with my father’s precious gift.

A prominent shadchan recently articulated a dilemma she’s facing.

The real solution to bullying is to empower the bullied child.

My teachers like me and they tell my parents that I am a great girl with good middos.

Some yeshivish couples do not believe in going out with other couples, but that does not mean that the women cannot have social lives.

In my experience, modern schools tend to be more open-minded toward other flavors of Judaism.

    Latest Poll

    Do you think the FAA ban on US flights to Israel is political?






    View Results

    Loading ... Loading ...

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/mending-fences/2013/02/14/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: