web analytics
March 6, 2015 / 15 Adar , 5775
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post


“It’s Me! Chaim!”

Schmutter-031414

Dear Mordechai,

I’m thinking of dressing up with my kids this Purim. Should I buy a costume, or just rent one?

Indecisive  

Dear Indecisive,

Renting sounds nice, because you’re only going to wear the costume once anyway, and by the time you’re done with it, it’s not something anyone else is going to want to wear.

If you do decide to buy, the best time to do that is the week after Halloween, though you’re mostly going to find creepy ghosty things like corpses and zombies that in general would put a real damper on your 4-year-old’s Purim.

 

 

Dear Mordechai,

Do I have to get drunk on Purim?

Driving All Day  

Dear Driving,

No.  All you really need is to drink a little more than you’re used to.  Unless you’re an alcoholic.

A safe option – highly recommended by a lot of rabbis – is to drink a little and then nap more than you’re used to.  Like if you normally nap for three hours a day, you can nap for four.

 

 

Dear Mordechai,

Who on earth has time to nap on Purim?

Driving All Day  

Dear Driving,

That’s a good question.  Especially in the old days when they came up with this idea, and they had to make all their mishloach manos by hand and had to walk them to all of their kids’ teachers, some of whom lived in entirely different shtetls.

 

 

Dear Mordechai,

My kids want me to dress up and go delivering mishloach manos with them, but I don’t really want to.  I want to nap.  Do you have any creative ideas that will make everyone happy?

Already in PJs  

Dear Already,

Yes. Let’s say your name is Chaim.  Buy a parrot, and train it to say, “Squawk!  It’s me! Chaim!” and send it around town perched on one of your kids’ shoulders.  Ideally whichever kid is dressed as a pirate.  You should also train it not to eat the poppy seeds out of the hamantaschen.  Or fly away.

I’d seriously consider renting the parrot, though, if this is an option for you.  Parrots are not easy to take care of long term. And they don’t die.  Ever. (I’m serious.  95 years on average. You have to put it in your will. I don’t know if that’s worth it for one joke.)

 

 

Dear Mordechai,

I keep hearing people say that Yom Kippur is like Purim.  How on earth is Yom Kippur like Purim?

Pigging Out  

Dear Pigging,

On the surface, Yom Kippur seems more like Taanis Esther, if anything.  Except that Yom Kippur seems to fall out on a Shabbos most of the time, while Taanis Esther, more often than not, falls out on a Thursday.  Even if Purim itself is on a Thursday, Taanis Esther will somehow manage to fall out on the previous Thursday.

 

But Yom Kippur IS like Purim:

1. They’re both high holidays,

2. All you think about the entire day is food,

3. You don’t eat right the entire day,

4. You’re wearing a weird combination of clothes you don’t normally wear together,

5. Some of which have wine stains,

6. Your kids are way too jumpy for some reason,

7. You don’t have a chance to lie down, and

8. At some point, you may find yourself chasing a live bird down the block.

 

“It’s me!  Chaim!” the bird will say.

Also, on Purim, we give our friends manos, and before Yom Kippur, we ask forgiveness from those very same people.

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to ““It’s Me! Chaim!””

Comments are closed.

Current Top Story
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu addresses a joint meeting of Congress on Capitol Hill in Washington D.C., the United States, calling for rejection of a bad nuclear deal with Iran, on March 03, 2015.
Post-Bibi Bipartisanship May Result in Congressional Ability to Review Iran Deal
Latest Sections Stories
Schonfeld-logo1

Occasionally, a teacher will encounter a student who simply cannot be motivated to do his homework, finish his worksheet or study for a test.

Kupfer-030615

Times have changed and divorced people have sadly gone from being singularities to almost a sub-community.

Glimpses-logo-NEW

The ship’s captain apparently respected the Friedenwalds’ strict adherence to halacha because he allowed them to use his cabin for davening and other religious observances.

Bottles of wine accompany the Pesach storytelling – each glass of wine represents the four expressions used by G-d in describing the redemption of the Jewish people from Egypt.

There is a point that many parenting books miss: children do more for us than we do for them.

Brigitte was a nine-year-old girl when Islamic militants launched an assault on a Lebanese military base and destroyed her home.

The husband needs to make some changes!

Purim is a fantastic time for fantasies, so I hope you won’t mind my fantasizing about how easy life would be if kids would prefer healthy cuisine over sweets. Imagine waking up to the call of “Mommy, when will my oatmeal be ready?”… As you rush to ladle out the hot unsweetened cereal, you rub […]

‘Double Gold’ awarded to 2012 Yarden Heights wine & 2011 Yarden Merlot Kela Single Vineyard.

One should not give the money before Purim morning or after sunset.

The mishloach manos of times gone by were sometimes simple and sometimes elaborate, but the main focus was on the preparation of the delicious food they contained.

One of the earliest special Purims we have on record was celebrated by the Jews of Granada and Shmuel HaNagid, the eleventh-century rav, poet, soldier and statesman, and one of the most influential Jews in Muslim Spain.

Jews, wake up! Stop educating the world and start educating yourselves.

More Articles from Mordechai Schmutter
Schmutter-021315

Imagine you were a doctor, and then, one day a year, everyone tried his or her hand at surgery.

Schmutter-M-NEW-logo

Dear Mordechai,
How do I prevent my Smartphone from breaking the first time I drop it?
Shattered in Pieces

Because you can’t have kids pouring huge jugs of oil into tiny glasses, unless you want to turn your house into an environmental disaster.

So the real question is, “How can we, as hosts, make sure our guest beds are comfortable?” Because your guests will never say anything.

Though if you do have a schach mat, you’ll realize that it cannot actually support the weight of the water.

Maybe now that your kids are back in school, you should start cleaning for Pesach.

If I’m going on for oven mitts, I don’t want to see sock puppets until at least page 40.

Alternatively, you can try your absolute hardest to listen whenever she says anything.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/magazine/potpourri/its-me-chaim/2014/03/14/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: