In the absence of connection to family and loved ones, they drift back to a past filled with warm and loving memories, a place from which they will find it harder and harder to return. I see this happen every day and always marvel at the astonishment of the grown children who, when they do finally come to visit after a long absence, find their elderly parents markedly changed and less responsive. They simply got tired of waiting.
No one stays young forever and, where growing old may be a blessing for some, to others it may be a curse. We are all going to get old one day. We pray our children will have good examples from whom to learn and not remand us to a fate of “dusty elf on a shelf” that they need visit only on Mother’s Day, Father’s Day or birthday. Fate has a strange way of coming back to visit upon us that which we have extended to our own parents.
Sincerely,
Yevonne Williams
Dear Ms. Williams,
Thank you for writing to us. You are, indeed, a rare and special person with caring beyond your call of duty. One need not be Jewish, or of any other faith for that matter, to understand that the love, respect and devotion we should have for our parents should be timeless and without reservation. To honor one’s parent(s) is a fundamental part of most religions and recognized as one of the Ten Commandments given to mankind by The Almighty. That is what makes the sad and unacceptable truth you write about all the more heartbreaking.
It is true that today most husbands and wives need to work and that where the household consists of many children in confined living space, the reality of caring for sick and elderly parents becomes all but impossible. It is at such a time that a family meeting of all the adult children should be convened so that an acceptable working plan for a parent(s) care can be worked out. That should include whether the care will be handled at home or in a facility, and how to arrange it so that frequent visits are shared by all and pose no excessive hardship on any one individual. This way, the elderly parents will always have family members visiting and offering the love and companionship so vital for their mental and emotional well-being.
If at all possible, it is always far more beneficial and rewarding to keep elderly parents in their home, with adult children returning in some small measure, the love and devotion to elderly parents that they received from them. It is also a priceless experience for young grandchildren to observe and take part in and, possibly, emulate later down the line. In some cases, however, this may not be possible and a full care facility must be chosen based on the best possible care and comfort it will offer. What must be stressed here is that should a full care facility win out, it doesn’t exonerate adult children from their responsibility. Wise children will see this as a beautiful privilege and not a burden. No matter the choice, visit frequently, call daily and shower elderly parents with loving attention. Touch is the most vital physical lifeline to the emotional well-being of the elderly, just as it is to every age group, it is the anchor that keeps us steady. Touch often jogs the memory when forgetfulness threatens to invade.
As you so eloquently put it, our parents are a blessing we should cherish and keep with us as long as the Creator allows. The most tragic lament I have heard was at a recent funeral where the deceased’s daughter wailed, “I didn’t know how much I loved my mother, until now that she is gone.”