Photo Credit: Jewish Press

Katzniss

 

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Dear Katzniss,

My advice is to protest. There’s actually a small group you can join who will let you use your archery skills to represent your people and also shoot at elephants. They meet in an unmarked cave. This could be why they’re such a small group.

 

Dear Mordechai,

What’s with these Jews gambling in caves all the time?

Incredulous

 

Dear Incredulous,

What do you want? You gave them nothing to do with their time. You come into their homes, invade their culture… of course they’re going to open casinos. You think they’re going to compete in the Olympics? You’ve met Jews, right? For goodness sakes, they’re gambling for chocolate coins!

 

Maybe if there was a debating event…

 

Dear Mordechai,

Hey! Did the Greeks get the idea for their Olympic torch from our menorah?

Light on my Feet

 

Dear Light,

Let’s see: a flame that burns constantly that is handed down from person to person and takes forever to get to where it’s going? The only difference is that in Judaism, we don’t have a bunch of cold athletes gathering around it for warmth.

 

Dear Mordechai,

We’d like to light the menorah in the Beis HaMikdash, but we can’t find any oil. Should we just order more? It says, “Allow eight days for delivery.”

Olive the Maccabees

 

Dear Olive,

Sure. But for now, keep looking. My advice is to clean the whole Mikdash, top to bottom, like you would clean your home for Pesach. Every year when I clean for Pesach, I end up finding things. In my experience, you’ll at the very least find a handful of dreidels.

 

 

Dear Mordechai,

A girl just came into my tent with some cheese and wine and I think some kind of fish and started talking linguistics. Should I be flattered?

Curious

 

Dear Curious,

Don’t let it go to your head.

 

 

Dear Mordechai,

We just lit the little bit of oil that we had and are trying to get it to last as long as possible. We figure we can get it to go for at least a half hour. Any tips?

Holding Our Breath

 

Dear Holding,

Yeah. Don’t dance near the candles, and don’t let kids anywhere near it. Or elephants. Preferably don’t even be in the room yourself. Just light it and run. But also keep an eye on it. And keep announcing periodically that you have to go to a Chanukah party. Then it’ll never go out.

 

 

Dear Mordechai,

I recently came into possession of the head of one of the Greek generals. Literally. What on earth am I supposed to do with it?

Throwing Out This Knapsack

 

Dear Throwing,

Save it for Rosh Hashanah? I don’t know. Maybe hang it on the gate of your village as a nice conversation piece. “You want to see the head of the Greek army?” you can say.

 

Got a question for “You’re Asking Me?” Get in line. Or you can step over the line, using an elephant.

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