web analytics
May 26, 2015 / 8 Sivan, 5775
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post


Chronicles Of Crises In Our Communities

By:
Chronicles-logo

PART TWO: P.R.A.Y.

(Thinking It Through: Prevention, Recognition, Avoid, [It’s] Your Decision)

Dear Readers,

In last week’s column a woman described the pain of living in an abusive relationship and wrote of her challenges in trying to circumvent her torment and suffering.

Despite her nisyonos at every turn, Humbled but Strengthened never lost hope of freeing herself of her shackles and escaping the horror chamber, as was made evident by the title of the first part of her article: H.O.P.E. — for Hold On, Pain Ends!

In this follow-up, Humbled but Strengthened uses her own experience to advise, encourage and give strength to the abused woman finding herself trapped in a hostile environment.

Prevention:

First you must learn how to identify RED FLAG BEHAVIOR. Then you must learn to value yourself enough to uphold the boundaries of your personal comfort zone. Don’t confide in just anyone; choose mentors carefully! (A friend-turned-foe is dangerous!)

Recognition:

Take note of “isolated incidents” that become patterns of behavior over time. Always trust your feelings and instincts — even if you can’t put your finger on exactly what it is that’s disturbing you.

Know that “sincere remorse” that is expressed frequently is not sincere! No remorse at all is even worse.

Does he drive off into the sunset – leaving you behind to deal with the household – after every argument? Not romantic.

Avoid…

• Confidants with the authority or ability to intervene/protect you, yet who do nothing at all.

• Counselors who use even-steven style therapy. Abuse is not a 50/50 situation! It’s unfair to the victim, and increases the abuser’s excuses to abuse! Counterproductive. It’s like telling Mr. A., “It was wrong of you to steal,” and then turning to Mr. B. and saying, “But you were careless to leave your door unlocked.”

Your Final Decision:

When the status quo becomes unbearable and is unchanging for any consistent period of time, the first step is for an effective/influential person to make it crystal-clear to the husband that things cannot continue this way any longer. Sometimes a woman is so abused she can hardly think coherently anymore, despite being otherwise intelligent.

If you have the money or support system to manage your survival within the marriage, you may not be as compelled to leave as a woman who has zero resources with which to help herself within the marriage. A woman who just gave birth or is physically weak for any other reason, (extreme lack of sleep or illness) may want to leave but lack the energy. This woman’s husband must be strongly cautioned about his abuse and warned that she will be helped to leave if it does not stop.

Ultimately, each woman must arrive at a decision she can live with, even years later. To fully grasp the gravity of her situation, she should ask herself the following:

• Does the relationship (or lack thereof) bring out a side of you that never used to be part of your personality (e.g., distress, tearfulness, anxiety…)? Has this been worsening over time?

• Do you feel like you’re the only one who’s been earnestly trying to improve the relationship since [what seems like] forever?

• Does he physically/emotionally abuse your children?

If you’re going do it – do it! Don’t announce all your plans or he will beat you to it. He may seem innocent, but if he’s asking his own advice, he may be getting street-smart without you realizing it. Take steps to protect yourself in beis din or court, such as collecting credible evidence of all abuse. Also, keep your personal documents and those of the children (and valuables) out of the home. Don’t underestimate his accessibility to your secret hiding spots.

Don’t vacillate, thinking that after 25 years he’s finally going to change controlling behavior. This behavior emanates from an unhealthy place and worsens over time.

Your pleasant personality traits are a dream for an abuser; that’s how he got as far as he did in the first place. Your humble, vulnerable, pliable traits make you easy to control.

But most of all, each and every woman must know – with unshakeable certainty – that Hashem will never forsake her. Talk to Hashem in plain English or using your Tehillim, and He will send you a sign that He is with you.

About the Author: We encourage women and men of all ages to send in their personal stories via email to rachel@jewishpress.com or by mail to Rachel/Chronicles, c/o The Jewish Press, 4915 16th Ave., Brooklyn, N.Y. 11204. If you wish to make a contribution and help agunot, your tax-deductible donation should be sent to The Jewish Press Foundation. Please make sure to specify that it is to help agunot, as the foundation supports many worthwhile causes.


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Chronicles Of Crises In Our Communities”

Comments are closed.

Current Top Story
President Obama watches helplessly as his two-year-old Passover Seder guest throws a tantrum.
Photo of Obama’s Passover Seder ‘Fifth Child’ Tantrum
Latest Sections Stories
Teens-Twenties-logo

Girls don’t usually learn Gemara. Everyone knows that.

Lewis-052215-Jewish-Soldiers-logo

Mordechai and his men shared a strong mutual loyalty.

Reidel-052215

“Can I wear tefillin in the bathroom?” That was the question US Private Nuchim Lebensohn wrote to Mike Tress, president of the Agudath Israel Youth Council, in a letter dated November 18, 1942. Lebensohn was not your typical young American GI. Polish by birth, he was forty-three years old and married when he was drafted […]

To what extent is your child displaying defiance?

This therapist kept focusing on how “I could do better,” never on how we could make the marriage work.

Mistrust that has lingered after the fiasco in Ferguson, Missouri, has edged the issue forward.

“The observance of a kosher diet is a key tenet of Judaism, and one which no state has the right to deny,” said Nathan Diament, executive director for public policy of the Orthodox Union.

Two weeks of intense learning in the classroom about Israel culminated with Yom Ha’Atzmaut. Students attended sessions with their teachers and learned about history, culture, military power, advocacy, slang, cooking, and more.

The nations of the world left the vessel to sit rotting in the water during one of the coldest winters in decades and with its starving and freezing passengers abandoned.

Rabbi Yisroel Edelman, the synagogue’s spiritual leader, declared, “The Young Israel of Deerfield Beach is looking forward to our partnership with the OU. The impact the OU has brought to Jewish communities throughout the country through its outreach and educational resources is enormous and we anticipate the same for our community in Deerfield Beach as well.”

Our goal here is to offer you recipes that you can make on Yom Tov with ingredients you might just have in the house. Enjoy and chag sameach!

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/chronicles-of-crises/chronicles-of-crises-in-our-communities-238/2013/06/06/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: