web analytics
May 29, 2015 / 11 Sivan, 5775
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post


A Grateful But Tired Grandmother


Respler-012513

Dear Dr. Yael:

I have, Baruch Hashem, a beautiful family with children and several grandchildren. I am fortunate to be close with all of them. I also work and take care of my parents, like many others in the “sandwich generation.” While I love my life, I am constantly exhausted and overworked.

As my husband and I love seeing our grandchildren, we often baby-sit for them whenever we are not working. On most Shabbasos we have at least one of our children over, and on Sundays we pick up our grandchildren or have our children bring them to us. Please understand that I enjoy my time with them; however, because I have a hard time saying no to anyone, I am feeling very overwhelmed. I want to help my hardworking children but am finding it difficult to set some boundaries.

My parents live nearby and I help them with errands, cooking, and doctors’ appointments. As you can imagine, I am greatly blessed; thus, I am not complaining.

Here’s my problem: I, as a people-pleaser, do not like to upset anyone. This is probably why I have difficulty telling my children that I need a break. However, I just know that I do not have the strength to continue with this schedule. What can I say to my children to help them understand how I feel, without insulting them? How do I balance helping them, yet have time to myself?

I am also very close to my in-law children and am afraid of jeopardizing my relationship with them. Since most of their families cannot help, for one reason or another, my children and their spouses all rely on me. I know that the in-law relationship is tricky, so I often go out of my way to make my in-law children feel comfortable and loved. I want them to feel at ease asking me for help, but I have come to realize that I cannot always say yes to their wishes. So how do I refuse their requests without hurting them?

An Overworked Grandmother

 

Dear Overworked Grandmother:

Thank you for your letter. I am sure that many others find themselves in a similar predicament. Baruch Hashem, it is very common today for people to have both parents and grandchildren.  The sandwich generation has grown exponentially, and your dilemma is very real and widespread.  How can one person divide herself into so many parts without falling apart?  The answer: stop dividing yourself.

It is understandable that you want to be with your grandchildren and also want to help your parents. But it is important for you to have some time to relax and recoup.  Because you already do so much for your children and grandchildren, it may be hard to cut down.  Your children may feel a little disappointed or upset if you cut down, but you will need to explain to them that while you love them and wish that you could continue what you are doing, you are falling apart.  Your tone of voice in expressing these feelings to your children will be crucial to a successful outcome.

Prepare beforehand what you want to say to your children – and don’t be defensive.  Remember that there is nothing insulting about how you feel. You should say something like, “We love spending time with you and the grandchildren and we wish that we could continue to visit you as often as we do right now.  I feel terrible, but I do not think that it is good for me to keep pushing myself like I have been.  I would love to cut myself into little pieces so that I’d be able to see and help all of you all the time, but obviously that is not possible.  I will try to help you all as much as possible, but if I cannot, please do not be upset or feel that I don’t want to be there for you.  I absolutely want to help all of you, but I may have to take a rain check sometimes.”

Use your own manner of speech to make yourself more comfortable, but ensure that you keep the tone of the conversation warm, loving and calm.

About the Author: Letters may be emailed to deardryael@aol.com. To schedule an appointment, please call 917-751-4887.


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “A Grateful But Tired Grandmother”

Comments are closed.

Current Top Story
Missionaries in the Tel Aviv area.
Religious Mailmen Complain They Have to Deliver Missionary Propaganda
Latest Sections Stories

How is it possible that some of our people cannot see what I see, the miracle of the existence of the state of Israel?

Road sign in Russian and Yiddish greeting visitors on the road just outside Birobidzhan. (photo by Ben G. Frank)

Birobidzhan railway station sign is the world’s only one spelling the town’s name in Yiddish letters

Ayelet Shaked

She’s seen as a poster child for The Jewish Home’s efforts to reach beyond its Orthodox base.

Girls don’t usually learn Gemara. Everyone knows that.

Mordechai and his men shared a strong mutual loyalty.

“Can I wear tefillin in the bathroom?” That was the question US Private Nuchim Lebensohn wrote to Mike Tress, president of the Agudath Israel Youth Council, in a letter dated November 18, 1942. Lebensohn was not your typical young American GI. Polish by birth, he was forty-three years old and married when he was drafted […]

To what extent is your child displaying defiance?

This therapist kept focusing on how “I could do better,” never on how we could make the marriage work.

Mistrust that has lingered after the fiasco in Ferguson, Missouri, has edged the issue forward.

“The observance of a kosher diet is a key tenet of Judaism, and one which no state has the right to deny,” said Nathan Diament, executive director for public policy of the Orthodox Union.

Two weeks of intense learning in the classroom about Israel culminated with Yom Ha’Atzmaut. Students attended sessions with their teachers and learned about history, culture, military power, advocacy, slang, cooking, and more.

The nations of the world left the vessel to sit rotting in the water during one of the coldest winters in decades and with its starving and freezing passengers abandoned.

More Articles from Dr. Yael Respler
Respler-052215

This therapist kept focusing on how “I could do better,” never on how we could make the marriage work.

Respler-051515

Unfortunately, the probability is that he will not see a reason to change as he has been acting this way for a long time and clearly has some issues with respecting women.

Returning to visit my family for Yom Tov has become torturous for me.

Someone close to us knew that you were good at saving marriages and begged us to give therapy one last chance,

My mother-in-law and I have had our problems since the beginning of my marriage.

It is very natural for kids to want attention and to be jealous of each other, especially when there is a new baby.

How can you expect people who go through such gehenom to even know how to give warmth and love?

Isn’t therapy about being yourself; aren’t there different ways for people to communicate with each other?

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/a-grateful-but-tired-grandmother/2013/01/24/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: