web analytics
July 8, 2015 / 21 Tammuz, 5775
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post


Calming Your Spouse


Respler-122013

Dear Dr. Yael:

I am writing in regards to the December 6 letter from Anonymous about the woman who always sees “the good in every person and every situation, all the while rolling with life’s punches. My husband, on the other hand, gets upset about every little thing. He is a nice person, but is always tense.” Those words really hit home – with one difference.

I am a man similar in outlook to the letter writer whose wife – stressed out and tense – is like the husband.

Everything with my wife is an issue. If one of our young children spills something or accidentally breaks something, she screams uncontrollably. She is always angry and moody, which terrifies the children. I try to act lovingly toward her, but after an outburst she will often find a reason to blame me for what happened.

I love my wife and in some ways she is a caring mother. She takes good physical care of the house, the children, and herself. Supper is always ready and the house is spotless. Since it is hard to keep everything neat and clean with three young children, my wife has plenty of cleaning help.

I want to stay married to her and help her become calmer. I sometimes wonder if she leans towards a Borderline Personality Disorder, but when I researched the condition I found that she only has the character traits befitting an angry and moody person. She is a good person but very nervous.

While reading your reply to Anonymous, I realized that in fact my wife comes from a very nervous household with a lot of anger. I am the one with the “shovel” in dealing with life’s difficulties; unfortunately she is the one with the “spoon.” I love that analogy since it speaks accurately of my life situation.

My wife respects me and is devoted to our family, but I wish she were warmer and more loving. Please help me by sharing any ideas about a solution to my problem.

Anonymous  

Dear Anonymous:

You appear to be a caring and loving husband and father. You are very much correct to believe that it is not emotionally healthy to yell at the children for any little spill or break. That behavior is, unfortunately, likely to make them nervous adults.  My favorite line from author Chaim Ginott, a”h, a well-known psychologist and one of the earliest promoters of parenting workshops, is: “The milk spilled here is the sponge.” I like to utter my line when something spills at children’s Shabbos parties: “The juice spilled here is the pre-cut paper towel or napkin.” When that happens it is prudent to hand the child the pre-cut paper towel or napkin, teaching the child to clean the spill without having to yell. Teaching children how to deal calmly with an issue will prepare them for life’s challenges.

It is key that you impress upon your wife the importance of not making a big deal of small issues, a strategy that will create a calmer home environment. In short, your attitude is the right way to raise a family (and to behave in life).

The more confidence and calmness we instill in our children, the stronger they will be to cope with life’s difficulties. A broken glass or small spill doesn’t compare with those difficulties. I applaud you for practicing a calm demeanor, and suggest that you use your “shovel” in a most loving way to successfully reach your wife. Compliment her generously when you notice even small improvements in her behavior.

Growing up in a tense home has put your wife at a great disadvantage, and your warmth and love can be most helpful. Thus, when your wife is getting nervous, act soothingly and calmly toward her, teaching her to handle stressful situations with greater composure. And in order to help your wife respond more positively, you will need to retrain her brain to deal with stressful situations in a more relaxed manner. This will entail communicating with your wife when she is in a good mood and feeling self-confident.

About the Author: Letters may be emailed to deardryael@aol.com. To schedule an appointment, please call 917-751-4887. Dr. Respler will be on 102.1 FM at 10:00 pm Sunday evenings after Country Yossi.


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Calming Your Spouse”

Comments are closed.

Current Top Story
Billboard posted by CAMERA during the Hamas war against Israel.
Flip-Flopping on Felling of Terrorist Groups’ Founders
Latest Sections Stories
Grieff-070315

In the face of evil, we can do acts of kindness. We can do good deeds.

Teens-Twenties-logo

I realized that I am an integral part of that man who wished to win – I am also a part of a nation; I felt like I was standing there and shouting, “I won.”

Teens-Twenties-logo

As I powerfully belted out the song, Ani Maamin B’emunah Sheleima – which means “I believe in God with full faith” – a thought suddenly crossed my mind.

Ganz-View-From-Window-logo

I do not suggest abandoning civilization for a pristine desert island or a hilltop in Judea or Samaria.

After diamonds were discovered in South Africa in the mid-1800s, Antwerp regained its prominence as the diamond capital of the world.

Search the Internet for innovative barbeque items and you might just be surprised at what you come across.

Orlando was once a place where people came only to visit and vacation. Now it is home to a burgeoning Torah community, a place Jewish families can be proud to call home.

You’re not seeking perfection. You’re seeking a life that an average person can manage and feel good about. Don’t feel pressure to change everything at once.

The smuggler’s life has been changed forever. He is faced with a major criminal charge. He will probably be sent to prison.

In Culture Shock, readers will also come to identify with a culture from the other end of Orthodox Jewry’s spectrum.

Children with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) or Executive Function Disorder (EFD) have trouble keeping themselves organized and on-task.

Our Sages have told us exactly how we should act – and how our children should act – in Pirkei Avos, Ethics of the Fathers.

A second supposed difficulty actually becomes a reason to corroborate that Amestris is Esther.

I work with the Bible in one hand and the tools of excavation in the other.

More Articles from Dr. Yael Respler
Respler-logo-NEW

My children encouraged me to date and even set me up with a very special man.

Respler-062615

It is very hard to build a healthy marriage when you do not have good role models.

When they all try to speak at once, I will ask them to stop and speak one at a time.

In America one has to either be very rich or impoverished to receive care – the middle class seems to get taken advantage of.

Growing up, I saw the respect my parents had for each other. Then I got married…

When I complain, she tells me it is retail therapy.

This therapist kept focusing on how “I could do better,” never on how we could make the marriage work.

Unfortunately, the probability is that he will not see a reason to change as he has been acting this way for a long time and clearly has some issues with respecting women.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/calming-your-spouse/2013/12/20/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: