web analytics
April 28, 2015 / 9 Iyar, 5775
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post


Learning to Say That You’re Sorry

Schonbuch-Rabbi-Daniel

It’s inevitable that sometimes couples will step on each other’s toes; especially during the first year of marriage, where newlyweds find themselves tip-toeing around their spouse’s emotional roadblocks. Don’t forget that it takes time to learn about your spouse’s idiosyncrasies and how to respond in a way that makes him or her feel at ease.

Here are some of the common mistakes people make in marriage:

1. You forget about for an important appointment and your spouse is furious.
2. You make up a time they will call you and you forget to turn on the phone.
3. You invite your in-laws for dinner and forget to tell your spouse.
4. You forget to bring her flowers for Shabbos or Yom Tov.
5. You leave the dishes pilled up in the sink.

Despite your mistakes, you can still undo your past actions by learning how to say, “I’m sorry.”

Saying that you are sorry is so powerful that many couples have told me it’s the secret to having a long-lasting marriage, as the following story that appeared in a British newspaper points out.

A British couple who had been married for 80 years said that their success was down to a glass of whisky, a glass of sherry and the word, “Sorry.”

“I think we’re very blessed,” said Florence Arrowsmith, 100 years old. “We still love one another, that’s the most important part.”

Asked for their secret, Florence said you must never be afraid to say, “Sorry.”

“You must never go to sleep bad friends,” she said, while Percy, 105, said his secret to marital bliss was just two words: “yes dear.”

The couple had three children, six grandchildren and nine great-grandchildren.

How to say that you’re sorry

There are many ways to tell your significant other that you are sorry. To begin with, start by expressing that you genuinely feel sorry for your behavior, actions, or words.

“Please forgive my outburst, I do love and respect you and didn’t mean to speak to you like that.”

“I do love you and I can’t stand fighting with you. Please forgive my part in all this. I want us to speak calmly and with respect for each other.”

”I am very sorry; please forgive my tone of voice. I love you and don’t want us to continue speaking to each other this way.”

“I’m sorry. I love you and I am overreacting. Let’s take a break right now so we can both calm down.”

Second, it is very important to state that you are taking responsibility for your actions and not trying to justify or make excuses. If you don’t take responsibility your apology will have little value. You should also try to convey that your sincerely regret what you did. Many times, someone may simply say they are sorry to try to keep the peace and end an argument, and they are not generally feeling remorse for their behavior. A genuine expression of sorrow for your behavior can mean a lot to the other person.

Michael, 32, and Rivkah, 29 learned about the need to say, “I’m sorry,” the hard way. Michael was a well-respected accountant who worked in a high-pressure job. He usually worked late hours, and looked forward to unwinding at home — not to be greeted by a loud choir of children when he entered the door.

A common scenario unfolded each night when Michael would return home from work and be greeted by his ready-for-bed children and a very exhausted wife. At home, his wife Rivkah was finding raising their children to be a challenging task, especially since their young baby had colic and she faced many sleepless nights alone without Michael’s help. Usually, by the time Michael came home, Rivkah was worn out and needed assistance. However, when Michael would open the door, his children would crowd around him, start jumping up and down and beg for him to play with them. But Michael, who usually felt overwhelmed, would get upset and start lashing out at his kids and yelling at his wife.

To make the situation worse, Rivkah would hand the kids to Michael and run to the bedroom to relax. In response, Michael would turn on the video machine for the children and try to escape to his computer in the living room. Left alone, the children would feel abandoned and start crying for attention, which would cause Michael to lose his temper.

About the Author: Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, MA, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. He is an expert in marriage counseling, pre-marital education, treating Anxiety and Depression, and helping teens in crisis with offices in Brooklyn. To watch his free videos on marriage and parenting and for appointments visit: www.JewishMarriageSupport.com, email rabbischonbuch@yahoo.com or call 646-428-4723.


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Learning to Say That You’re Sorry”

Comments are closed.

Current Top Story
World Zionist Congress elections end April 30.
World Zionist Congress Elections Last Call
Latest Sections Stories
Teens-Twenties-logo

The poetry slam required entrants to compose original poetry with powerful imagery and energetic rhythm bringing their poems to life – making it palpable to the audience.

Teens-Twenties-logo

“I was so inspired by the beautiful lessons I learned and by the holiness around me that I just couldn’t stop writing songs!” she says.

Schonfeld-logo1

But Pi Day is worst of all
I want the extra credit bad
But trying to remember many numbers
makes me sad.

Several thousand Eastern European Jews had escaped Nazi death and Soviet persecution by fleeing to Shanghai, China.

Now that we’re back to chometz, it’s just the right time to give thought to our wellbeing. Who doesn’t want to lose a few bulky matzah-and-potato pounds? Who wouldn’t like to eat smarter and feel better? If you’re like most people I know, these are probably the first things you’d like to address. It’s time […]

My mother-in-law and I have had our problems since the beginning of my marriage.

It was Lia van Leer who changed the image of filmmaking in Israel so that it is now seen as an expression of culture and not mere entertainment.

“People who never buy cookbooks are getting this one,” said Victoria. “They read it cover to cover and find it so interesting.”

We have recently witnessed how other minorities deal with even perceived danger aimed at their brothers and sisters. They respond in great numbers.

The Hebrew Academy students took part in all categories and used successful and innovative techniques to achieve their goals.

“The objective behind establishing small communities as places for relocation was a remedy for the excessive cost of housing and education in the large New York metropolitan market,” Mr. Savitsky explained.

Jewish Democrats did not entirely trust the son of Joseph Kennedy, a man broadly considered to be both anti-Semitic and pro-Nazi.

More Articles from Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch
Schonbuch-Rabbi-Daniel

A compulsion is a repetitive action. But what underlies the compulsion is an obsession or fear.

Schonbuch-Rabbi-Daniel

Teens-at-risk feel alienated from their parents and often believe that no one is interested in hearing about their problems.

Separation anxiety disorder is a condition in which a child becomes fearful and nervous when away from home or separated from a loved one – usually a parent or other caregiver – to whom the child is attached.

I try to focus on the parents in a way that is not often addressed. As soon as the child gets anxious, the parent gets anxious;

Most people are not aware that anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the United States, affecting 40 million adults age 18 and older (18% of U.S. population).

Parental conflict affects children in varying ways, depending on their age. For example, teenagers around the age of fifteen or sixteen are most likely to involve themselves in their parents’ battles. Younger children may keep their feelings hidden inside and may only show signs of depression in late childhood or early adolescence.

When parents come to talk to me about a troubled child or teenager, I often find it helpful to explore whether or not their marriage is causing their teenager to be at risk.

Active listening is only one part of the marriage equation; learning what to say and what not to say is the other half. And, it’s not just about expressing your feelings, but doing it in a way that avoids hurting the other person.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/learning-to-say-that-youre-sorry/2013/03/15/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: