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May 25, 2013 /16 Sivan, 5773
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The Tosfos Yomtov was convinced that the death of 300,000 –600,000 Jews during the Chmielnicki massacres of 1648-49 were because of improper Tefila. Communicated: Tefilla

Chillul Tefila Bifarhesia, as well as halachicly challenged verbiage and dress, are external manifestations of a critical lack of personal yiras shomayim which has lethal consequences.



Sameach B’chelko

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Respler-022213

Dear Dr. Yael:

Your recent column on “The Burden Of Feeling Overwhelmed” (Dear Dr. Yael, 2-8-13) made me very upset. Instead of feeling overwhelmed, this woman should feel blessed. After all, she has over 10 children, four of whom are married and living near her. Additionally, they are financially comfortable with a large home and full-time help.

I wonder if she realizes how many people envy the position she’s in. I have married children who live far away, either in Eretz Yisrael or in California, and we hardly get to see them. And what about those without children? Or those without married children? Or those without grandchildren?

That woman’s view of her life enraged me. She should be grateful for all the berachos that Hashem has given her and for all the mazel in her life. I realize that you must be diplomatic in your answers, but please tell this woman to appreciate her life and to stop complaining about it.

A.K.  

Dear A.K.:

You are correct in saying that we should all be thankful for the berachos that we have, especially when we are zocheh to have many of them. My response was geared toward the letter writer’s dilemma, as even though she should be thankful for her berachos she can also seek help in most effectively managing those berachos. While it is important for all of us to focus on our berachos, it is also important to recognize that everyone has different life challenges.

Some people with many children have a difficult time juggling the needs of every family member. Others do not have children living nearby and have a difficult time adjusting to the “empty nest syndrome.” It is not our place to judge which is the greater. Rather, we should all try to help one another deal with what Hashem gives us.

I appreciate your reminding everyone to be thankful for what they have. It is a beautiful middah to be sameach b’chelko and to enjoy all of Hashem’s berachos.

Hatzlachah!

 ****  

 Dear Dr. Yael:

I try to be a very good wife, mother and homemaker. But although I am pretty sure that deep down my husband appreciates my hard work, he rarely acknowledges or compliments me. I wish that he would sometimes say a good word and tell me how much he appreciates me.

For my part, I try to be very emotionally and physically supportive of my husband, knowing how difficult it is to work and support a family. But doesn’t he realize how hard it is to be home all day with the children and keep the house running efficiently?

Here’s an example: I could have all the kids bathed and ready for bed, a delicious supper prepared, look nice when he walks through the door, and have the house fairly clean – but my husband will either not say anything or he may notice the one thing that I forgot to do, and comment on that! Why is he so quick to criticize but so reluctant to praise? When I ask him about this, he says, “The good is expected and the bad is noted.” Why should the good be expected?

I’ve told my husband that it is important to me to be complimented. He tried for a day or two but then retreated to his old ways. I know that he does not mean anything bad by acting this way and that he loves me, but I really crave compliments from him. They would give me the strength to continue day after day, even if my work is sometimes repetitive and boring. How can I make him understand?

C. S.  

Dear C.S.:

Here’s an idea that may help you: Whenever you want a compliment, ask your husband how dinner was. He will probably say that it was very good. Then tell him to please let you know that dinner was delicious and that he appreciates your efforts in cooking dinner for him.

If you want to be complimented on your new outfit, ask him if he likes it. He will probably say that it is nice. Then tell him to please say that he likes your outfit and that you really look good in it, for such a compliment will really make you feel great.

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Dear Dr. Yael:

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The two proceeded to talk about everyday things and surprisingly her mother-in-law did not find anything else to criticize. This occurred a few more times, with my client changing the topic every time by complimenting her mother-in-law or mentioning something positive about her.

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Dear Dr Yael:

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Instead of putting it all on the men, saying for example that they are “trained” by “society” to feel, think and behave as they do, perhaps you could have encouraged these self-described happily-married women to look in the mirror and try to figure out why their husbands seem to act insensitively toward them.

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My friend forwarded this letter and I am sharing it with you, my readers as it concerns an issue that affects many in the “sandwich generation.”

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