web analytics
September 3, 2014 / 8 Elul, 5774
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
Jerusalem Mayor Nir Barkat (L) visits the JewishPress.com booth at The Event. And the Winners of the JewishPress.com Raffle Are…

Congratulations to all the winners of the JewishPress.com raffle at The Event



The Wrongs Of Onas Devarim


Respler-122812

Dear Dr. Yael:

I am the oldest child in a family of seven; one of my sisters is a year younger than me. Even though we basically have the same responsibilities, somehow I always get stuck with all the household chores. My sister has a tendency to take her time, all the while doing one job. Honestly, sometimes it takes her three hours to do the dishes. She says it is because she is a “schlep.” She actually gets angry with her when I ask her to move quicker, saying that “I am not understanding of her feelings” and “she needs time.”

I think she uses this “schlepping” business as an excuse to get out of doing more chores. I know she can do things quickly. For example, if her friends say they are having a sleepover party, she packs, gets dressed, has the dishes done and is ready to go in 10 minutes flat!

We recently had the entire extended family over for a Chanukah chagigah and as usual, I got stuck doing most of the work. My sister took about an hour to set the table, while I was running around the kitchen with my mother to make sure that everything was ready in time. I want to have a good relationship with my sister, but I find it hard not to be resentful of her. Can you help me?

Frustrated and Overwhelmed

Dear Frustrated and Overwhelmed:

I definitely see how this can be frustrating for you. However, calling your sister names, even ones that she uses to refer to herself (or even thinking this) just intensifies the conflict. Calling her a “schlep” not only adds to her insecurities, it also convinces her that she possesses negative qualities that she seems to not have. It is almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy. If she is called a “schlep” she may end up acting like one, because that is what is expected of her. Thus, your actions are actually making your sister want to do less.

Think about it this way: if you had a teacher who constantly called you a dummy when you replied incorrectly to a question, would you raise your hand in class to answer the teacher’s questions? Probably not, as you’d think that your answer is wrong and that you are going to look stupid. In addition, you would probably not try to do well in her class. “If the teacher thinks I’m stupid, what’s the use of trying?” is the typical response of most teenagers in that situation. It’s the same with your sister. Since you expect very little from her, she does very little for you. Why should she want to please you if you are calling her names or thinking of her in negative terms?

As the older sister, you can create a relationship with your sister that is based on respect. This will lead her to want to please and emulate you. Tell her that you don’t think that she’ s a “schlep” but rather that she is a very capable. Tell her that you love her and want to have a good relationship with her. Explain to her that because she is so capable, you expect more from her in terms of helping around the house. Make sure that you use a loving and caring voice, devoid of frustration and criticism. This will be the hardest part of your talk with her, but if you stay calm, you will be successful. Most people do not respond well when criticized or spoken to out of anger; thus, your tone will be integral to the success of the conversation.

When your sister helps, show her how you appreciate her effort by complimenting her. This is a good way to deal with people in general. When you treat people nicely, they will want to do more for you. Instead of saying, “Hurry up, you are so slow,” say: “I can see how much effort you are putting into doing the dishes; maybe you can finish up so you can use your creativity to help me prepare tomorrow’s lunches.” Do not say this in a sarcastic or frustrated voice, or it will not have a positive impact. Instead, like I advised earlier, use a sincere, loving and complimentary tone. Also, any time you find a reason to compliment your sister, do so. It is very important for siblings to help build each other’s self-esteem. When people feel capable and have self-worth, they are much more likely to be productive.

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “The Wrongs Of Onas Devarim”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Journalist Steven Sotloff hid from his Islamic captors that he was Jewish but fasted on Yom Kippur.
Beheaded Journalist Hid His Judaism from ISIS Captors
Latest Sections Stories
LBJ-082914

What better proof do we need than the recent war with Hamas in Gaza, dubbed “Operation Protective Edge,” that transformed the pain and suffering of three families into a sense of unparalleled unity and outpouring of love of the entire nation of Israel?

Katzman-082914

So many families are mourning, and all along we mourned with them.

Astaire-082914

In addition to his great erudition, Rabi Akiva was known for his optimism.

Kupfer-082914-Chuppah

She told me that she was busy and that he could sit in his wet clothes for the rest of the day. It would teach him to be more careful.

What can we do to help him stop feeling so sad all the time?

Children with dyslexia or dysgraphia frequently have problems in social relationships.

Israel’s neighbors engaged in hostilities from the onset. The War of Independence was a hard-won battle. Aggression and enmity has followed for 66 years.

The contest will include student-created sculpture, computer graphic design, collage, videography, PowerPoint and painting.

David, an 8-year-old boy on the autism spectrum, recently attended a Friendship Circle event. As he entered he told his Dad, “I love coming to the FC programs ‘cause everyone loves each other.”

Goldsmith himself went on his own “voyage of discovery” to the places where his grandfather and uncle landed and were sent.

Frank proclaimed himself Zvi’s successor and the reincarnation of King David.

You’re probably wondering why the greatest advocate of fast and easy preps in the kitchen is talking about layer cakes, right?

Almost immediately the audience began singing and clapping and continued almost without stop throughout the rest of the concert.

As of late, vintage has definitely been in vogue in the Orthodox community.

More Articles from Dr. Yael Respler
Respler-082914

What can we do to help him stop feeling so sad all the time?

Respler-Yael

Perhaps you can reach a compromise during this news frenzy, whereby you will feel more comfortable while he can still follow the latest events.

There could be no Jewish-themed books and, as such, the lack of knowledge these boys displayed in regards to many of the topics we read about was clear.

Upon hearing that he did, the owner sent him the atarah – all shiny and new – to be returned to me. I was reunited with my father’s precious gift.

A prominent shadchan recently articulated a dilemma she’s facing.

The real solution to bullying is to empower the bullied child.

My teachers like me and they tell my parents that I am a great girl with good middos.

Some yeshivish couples do not believe in going out with other couples, but that does not mean that the women cannot have social lives.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/the-wrongs-of-onas-devarim/2012/12/27/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: