web analytics
May 21, 2013 /12 Sivan, 5773
At a Glance ▼
Sections
Sponsored Post
jumping Following a Passion for Sports to Israel

In Israel, a new five month scholarship program being offered to young aspiring athletes – one of them could be you.



The Wrongs Of Onas Devarim


Latest update: March 21st, 2013
tell a friend
Respler-122812

Dear Dr. Yael:

I am the oldest child in a family of seven; one of my sisters is a year younger than me. Even though we basically have the same responsibilities, somehow I always get stuck with all the household chores. My sister has a tendency to take her time, all the while doing one job. Honestly, sometimes it takes her three hours to do the dishes. She says it is because she is a “schlep.” She actually gets angry with her when I ask her to move quicker, saying that “I am not understanding of her feelings” and “she needs time.”

I think she uses this “schlepping” business as an excuse to get out of doing more chores. I know she can do things quickly. For example, if her friends say they are having a sleepover party, she packs, gets dressed, has the dishes done and is ready to go in 10 minutes flat!

We recently had the entire extended family over for a Chanukah chagigah and as usual, I got stuck doing most of the work. My sister took about an hour to set the table, while I was running around the kitchen with my mother to make sure that everything was ready in time. I want to have a good relationship with my sister, but I find it hard not to be resentful of her. Can you help me?

Frustrated and Overwhelmed

Dear Frustrated and Overwhelmed:

I definitely see how this can be frustrating for you. However, calling your sister names, even ones that she uses to refer to herself (or even thinking this) just intensifies the conflict. Calling her a “schlep” not only adds to her insecurities, it also convinces her that she possesses negative qualities that she seems to not have. It is almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy. If she is called a “schlep” she may end up acting like one, because that is what is expected of her. Thus, your actions are actually making your sister want to do less.

Think about it this way: if you had a teacher who constantly called you a dummy when you replied incorrectly to a question, would you raise your hand in class to answer the teacher’s questions? Probably not, as you’d think that your answer is wrong and that you are going to look stupid. In addition, you would probably not try to do well in her class. “If the teacher thinks I’m stupid, what’s the use of trying?” is the typical response of most teenagers in that situation. It’s the same with your sister. Since you expect very little from her, she does very little for you. Why should she want to please you if you are calling her names or thinking of her in negative terms?

As the older sister, you can create a relationship with your sister that is based on respect. This will lead her to want to please and emulate you. Tell her that you don’t think that she’ s a “schlep” but rather that she is a very capable. Tell her that you love her and want to have a good relationship with her. Explain to her that because she is so capable, you expect more from her in terms of helping around the house. Make sure that you use a loving and caring voice, devoid of frustration and criticism. This will be the hardest part of your talk with her, but if you stay calm, you will be successful. Most people do not respond well when criticized or spoken to out of anger; thus, your tone will be integral to the success of the conversation.

When your sister helps, show her how you appreciate her effort by complimenting her. This is a good way to deal with people in general. When you treat people nicely, they will want to do more for you. Instead of saying, “Hurry up, you are so slow,” say: “I can see how much effort you are putting into doing the dishes; maybe you can finish up so you can use your creativity to help me prepare tomorrow’s lunches.” Do not say this in a sarcastic or frustrated voice, or it will not have a positive impact. Instead, like I advised earlier, use a sincere, loving and complimentary tone. Also, any time you find a reason to compliment your sister, do so. It is very important for siblings to help build each other’s self-esteem. When people feel capable and have self-worth, they are much more likely to be productive.

tell a friend

About the Author:


You might also be interested in:


no comments

You must log in to post a comment.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Part of hoard of weapons uncovered by IDF at wanted terrorist's home near Shechem
IDF Does the Work for PA and Uncovers Huge Weapons Hoard
Latest Sections Stories
Teens-051713
Sections → Magazine → Teens and Twenties

Leah Katz, a TeenZone camper at Oorah’s TheZone summer camp and an 11th grader at Midwood High School, read her winning essay about how TheZone changed her views on Judaism at the Jewish Heritage Awards Ceremony held at Brooklyn District Attorney Charles Hynes’s office in April. The purpose of the Jewish Heritage Essay Contest is to acquaint public school students with Jewish history and customs and to help foster a deeper understanding of Jewish culture. The contest is open to students of all ethnic and religious backgrounds. Leah’s essay is reproduced in full below.

Yolande Gabai Harmer
Sections → Jewess Press → Impact Of Women On Jewish History/Prof. L. Jackson

Moshe Sharett, the head of the Jewish Agency’s Political Department, visited Egypt in 1945. In Cairo he met a most remarkable young woman, a beautiful journalist who was the darling of Egyptian high society – from high-ranking military brass, to culture icons and Muslim sheikhs, to the court of King Faruk.

Respler-Yael
Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

The two proceeded to talk about everyday things and surprisingly her mother-in-law did not find anything else to criticize. This occurred a few more times, with my client changing the topic every time by complimenting her mother-in-law or mentioning something positive about her.

Schonfeld-logo1
Sections → Family → Parenting Our Children

There is always a lot of confusion surrounding sensory processing disorder – mainly because there are many different diagnoses that fall under the catch-all phrase sensory processing disorder (SPD). Among them are three specific subcategories:

Sections → Family

The doctor had warned us that even if we did everything right and followed the protocol after the follicle was of the right size, there was no guarantee of success. Fertilization still had to occur, and just like couples do not necessarily become pregnant every month, we had no way to know if we were actually expecting for two full weeks.

Sections → Community → West Coast Happenings

Jewish Press columnist Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis, founder and president of Hineni, the international Torah outreach organization, recently addressed an overflowing audience at the Beth Jacob Congregation of Irvine in southern California. Rebbetzin Jungreis’s address theme, “Making a Good Relationship Magical,” was apropos for the evening’s main mission: raising funds for the Irvine community’s mikveh.

Sections → Magazine → Teens and Twenties

You have probably been planning your marriage since you were about three. Let’s fast-forward to a big milestone– your twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. (Don’t worry, you don’t look a day over twenty one!) Now, would you appreciate your husband buying you a dozen roses that some florist recommended?

Sections → Jewess Press → Daily Living

As I mentioned in my earlier articles about our family trip to Israel, our night flight went pretty smooth, thanks to my children’s willingness to sleep throughout the flight. I, on the other hand, didn’t sleep a wink and I wasn’t feeling too great by the time we landed. But we were finally in Israel, and just being in the beautifully renovated Ben Gurion airport and hearing all the Hebrew around us was exciting enough.

Sections → Jewess Press → Daily Living

While all the flowers that grace your Shavuos table will surely be a delight to your eye, these will be a delight for your palette as well. Create them at any level, simple or sophisticated; any way you make them they’re sure to be a sensation.

Sections → Magazine → Potpourri

Welcome back to “You’re Asking Me?” where we attempt to answer questions sent in by people who fortunately have fake names, so they won’t be embarrassed. I don’t know how they got through school, though.

Sections → Travel

Speechless wonder is the reaction to the beautiful vision seen though the Arch of the Keshet Cave at the Adamit Park in the Galilee. One of the most amazing natural wonders in Eretz Yisrael, the Me’arat Hakeshet — also known as the Rainbow Cave or Arch Cave — can be found up against the Israel-Lebanon border just a few kilometers from Rosh Hanikra and the sparkling blue Mediterranean Sea. It is situated amid the wild scenery on the cliffs of Nachal Betzet and Nachal Namer, on the Adamit Ridge.

More Articles from Dr. Yael Respler
Respler-Yael
Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

The two proceeded to talk about everyday things and surprisingly her mother-in-law did not find anything else to criticize. This occurred a few more times, with my client changing the topic every time by complimenting her mother-in-law or mentioning something positive about her.

Respler-051013
Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Dear Dr Yael:

During a shiur on Pirkei Avos, a rabbi admired by my husband spoke about how some people begrudge others certain things. He mentioned the “D” word (without saying the word itself), and I think he said it was an illness talked about in the Gemara. He said that people suffering from this “machalah shachor” (dark illness) should live in a desert with the wild animals. My assumption was that the person would be left to die there.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Instead of putting it all on the men, saying for example that they are “trained” by “society” to feel, think and behave as they do, perhaps you could have encouraged these self-described happily-married women to look in the mirror and try to figure out why their husbands seem to act insensitively toward them.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

My friend forwarded this letter and I am sharing it with you, my readers as it concerns an issue that affects many in the “sandwich generation.”

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Dear Dr. Yael:

I am trying, over the Internet, to find programs for my son that are geared toward helping people strengthen their emunah and bitachon. Thus far, I have been unsuccessful. Do you know of any sites I can visit?

Anonymous

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

He needs to have a different ring for his work number in order to be able to ignore all other incoming calls and message alerts. This will give him the opportunity to only speak on the phone or retrieve texts when it is absolutely necessary to do so.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

To this day, all the returned items remain in my parent’s possession. Baruch Hashem, this was the beginning of a very close and wonderful relationship between my parents and these machatanim – on that continues until today.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Just like Aharon HaKohen promoted shalom bayis by sharing with couples all of the good things that his or her spouse said, a therapist can encourage shalom bayis in this same way.

    Latest Poll

    Which is the most beautiful location in Jerusalem?









    View Results

    Loading ... Loading ...

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/the-wrongs-of-onas-devarim/2012/12/27/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online:

Related posts:

  1. Fairness Among Siblings
  2. My Rebbe
Close