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July 28, 2014 / 1 Av, 5774
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Leftovers Exchange Program


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The apple actually doesn’t fall far, though.  When your parents were your age, they were exactly like you.

What happened, right?

They had you.

But yes, if your parents are actually doing something embarrassing, like driving cabs while cutting your hair, we’re all embarrassed with you.  My advice is to leave home, and to come to our home, and help us eat our leftovers.

 

 

Dear Mordechai,

When are toddler leashes okay?

SK, Brooklyn Dear S.,

Toddler leashes are never really okay.  Leashes are for dogs, because you can’t exactly walk around holding their front paw when you cross the street.  And even then they’re not great, because sometimes, with a really big dog, you end up with the dog bounding down the street while the owner bounces along behind.

Nevertheless, it’s okay in the following situations:

1. When you have at least triplets, and you need to get out to the store or to my house to eat leftovers.  In that case, you have to pick whichever child you love the least and put him on the leash, or else you can put all three on leashes like a professional dog walker and you’ll have the other hand free to shield yourself as you bounce along the sidewalk.

2. When you’re trying to walk with a toddler who’s eating a lollypop, and he’s somehow managed to get both arms sticky up to his elbows.

3. If you’d like to go out of your way to embarrass your teenager.

 

That’s it for now.  I’ll be back next month, and hopefully by then I’ll be done trying to foist leftovers on anyone who writes in.  So don’t be afraid to send in any kind of questions you have on pretty much anything, so long as you don’t expect a real answer, except maybe by accident.

Question everything!

Mordechai Mordechai Schmutter humorous-advice columnist will appear in these pages the second issue of every month.  Mordechai also writes a weekly syndicated humor column for Hamodia, and is the author of three books, all published by Israel Book Shop.  He also does freelance writing for hire.  You can send any questions, comments, or ideas to MSchmutter@gmail.com or post them on his Facebook page.

 

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