There are a few brave young Charedi men who realize that staying full time in the Beis HaMedrash is not the best use of their time. They realize that their strengths lie elsewhere. Instead of staying in a Yeshiva and learning Torah at a mediocre level because of peer pressure or for Shidduch purposes – they opt for choosing careers where their true talents lie, prepare for them… and then go to work.
Unfortunately for them, the young women coming out of Beis Yaakovs and seminaries these days aren’t interested in them. They have been indoctrinated to seek only full time learners – those who are learning full time in Yeshivos and will continue to do so in a Kollel indefinitely after marriage. They will not accept dates with those who don’t, no matter how fine their character.
To that end these young women are encouraged by their teachers and mentors to support their husbands by being the bread winners. Ironically many of them get the kind of education that will give them great incomes. Some attend colleges and universities and become professionals in various fields with good paying jobs. All with the goal of supporting their future husbands in Kollel.
For their troubles, they seek true Talmidei Chachamim, and will not date anyone that does not fit that bill. And we wonder why there are so many single women? There are a lot of women who seek such men… but not all that many men who measure up. What about the fellow who decided to work for a living and be Koveiah Itim? They won’t even look at him.
But… as I have said before, the definition of a good girl is one that wants a good ‘learner’. The definition of a good boy is someone that IS a good learner. It is a lot easier to want a good learner than it is to be a good learner. The ‘cream’ that these young women are looking for just is not there in sufficient numbers to satisfy the numbers of young women seeking them.
So it is no small wonder that there are so many ‘good’ girls and so few ‘good’ men. It’s not that they aren’t there. They are. But they do not make the cut. These are all men of fine character, that will make wonderful husbands and fathers. They are bright; they are kind; they are generous; and they are loving. They have the same values that these young women have. But instead of learning full time they found another way of serving God. What do they get for all their introspection and honesty? They are thrown off the dating grid. Charedi women who will not consider them at all for a date.
How strong is that indoctrination? I am reminded of a story from a few years ago about a young Charedi working man who had great character and values. He related a horror story about his Shidduch experience. No matter how much he tried he had a very hard time getting dates. Sensing that he was being seen as a 2nd class citizen in the Charedi dating world, he decided to ask a former Rebbe (or Rosh Yeshiva… or Mashgiach…) why he was having such a hard time.
His Rebbe’s answer was astonishing! This young man was told that he was indeed a 2nd class citizen! In fact this Rebbe told he was sub par compared to the full time Torah learners… and that is how he was seen by the pool of women he chooses to date.
Where does all this leave people like JS? It leaves him unmarried – with only 5 dates in 2 years.