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Another interpretation is, “I call to Hashem from the hidden depths of my own personality that even I don’t comprehend.” Everyone has a public and hidden side, unknown to even his spouse, family, even himself! I call to Hashem from the depths of my soul, hidden even from myself and untainted by sin.

Sin creates an iron curtain between Hashem and sinner. What right do I, sinner, have to approach Hashem and request forgiveness? The saintly part of man, hidden even from himself, has permission to approach Hashem. Without MiMamakim we cannot begin to petition Hashem and recite Viduy. Atonement is an act of charity by Hashem allowing us to approach Him.

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How do we reduce this distance between Hashem and us? The answer is in Psalm 130, it is not the sinner who calls to Hashem. The saintly I, the hidden spark untainted by sin, calls to Hashem. Hashem, Shima B’koli, hear the voice of the untainted hidden I, not the voice of the sinner. Im Avonos Tishmor Kah, if You will concern Yourself with the sinner in man, who can stand before You? People fear darkness and anxiously anticipate the morning. Nafshi LHashem Mishomrim Laboker Shomrim Laboker. I know that ultimately I anticipate the morning like those who impatiently await the dawn. Man has a right to anticipate the morning of the day when Hashem will be One and His name will be One. I await that morning and its promise of clarity, when my inner spark will shine and illuminate my soul and I may recognize Hashem.

Now we live in the midst of Erev, confusion, atheism, rebellion against Hashem. Rebellion against Hashem was the foundation of Nazism. It is the principle underlying the scourge of terrorism that is supported by an international movement and that has metastasized into a worldwide disease. Though we are in the depths of Erev, we still pray for the Boker, when Malchus Hashem the One, whose name is One, will reign as proclaimed in Malchiyos on Rosh Hashanah. The Yom Kippuridea, Yom Echad, Yom Myuchas, the aristocratic day that paved the way for creation of man, anxiously anticipates the emergence of that divine, inextinguishable spark in man that enabled creation.

Why did Hashem create Erev, night, at all? Would it not have been better for man to exist in a state of clarity where he is capable of discriminating between good and bad? If man were only enveloped in Yom, the power of distinguishing, he would be incapable of admitting his own periods of confusion when he sins. It is from within this state of confusion that the seeds of the redemptive Teshuvah process are planted.

However, man is incapable of complete repentance while in a state of Erev, confusion. True repentance consists of several phases, the first being recognition of the embarrassment and pain caused by his actions. At this point man begins to recognize how foolish he was. Erev is the phase of Hirhur Teshuvah, when man initiates heartfelt contemplation of his lapses. He has a gnawing feeling that something is amiss, he is confused by the darkness that surrounds him whispering that he must change course. Hirhur Teshuvah begins when man says to himself, “I have sinned.”

For example, the Gemara says that if one betroths a woman on condition that he is a Rasha, even if he were a lifelong sinner, she is not betrothed, as perhaps he contemplated repentance in his heart. Why didn’t the Gemara say she is not betrothed because perhaps he repented fully? Even though he is far from complete repentance, recognizing in his confused state that he has made terrible mistakes and must change his ways removes him from the category of Rasha. This is the prelude to Boker, when the full realization of the depth of sin sets in and man embarks on the path of full repentance. First, he must pass through Erev, confusion, when he contemplates repentance on his way to ultimately reaching Boker, the process of fully understanding his sin and repenting.

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Rabbi Joshua Rapps attended the Rav's shiur at RIETS from 1977 through 1981 and is a musmach of Yeshivas Rabbeinu Yitzchak Elchanan. He and his wife Tzipporah live in Edison, N.J. Rabbi Rapps can be contacted at [email protected].