In a total state of shock, I crawled into the bathroom and wept, remembering the letter and all the warnings I chose to ignore. I made myself believe that this was a one-time thing, because he lost his job and was letting his frustrations out on me. I convinced myself that it would never happen again. I could never tell anyone about this episode, not after dismissing everyone’s warnings about Dan. But in my fantasy world, I could not admit that I had made a terrible mistake. Of course it happened again, many times over and he never apologized or asked forgiveness. And then I was pregnant and resigned to my fate, but hopeful that a baby would make things better between us. Of course it didn’t.
Our son was born with Down’s syndrome. Dan wanted to give the baby away, but I chose to keep him home. The anger and abuse became almost constant and on many nights I would escape his wrath by running into the baby’s room, locking the door and sleeping on the floor next to the crib. This worked for a while until I left the room to use the facilities, then he pounced on me and beat me; he had been waiting behind the locked door for just that opportunity.
I know that my son was the cause of his constant anger; Dan couldn’t stand seeing the imperfect child he fathered and he hated the child and me for keeping him. But love grows in strange places and as my love for Dan left, my love for this small defenseless child grew and gave me a reason for being.
Then came the straw that broke the camel’s back. Two nights ago, Dan broke down the door to the nursery as I was nursing and the sight of the baby he called “it” or “that creature” threw him into a rage. Trying to shield my son from the beating, I sustained the worst of it. When it was over, Dan left the house and at that point I didn’t care if he ever came back.
I am now preparing to leave. Two years of living in terror and torment is all I can take and with the baby in danger, I can’t worry about what people will say when I show up at my parents’ home.
As I close the door on what should have been my perfect marriage, I have many regrets about the past and great fears for the future. What overrides everything, however, is the need to bring both the baby and myself to safety, the rest will be dealt with later. Please help me through the process.
Dear Friend,
Fairy tales are not based on any reality, they are make-believe stories meant to feed into an alternate reality of our own making. I am sorry for your rude awakening and sorry that you chose denial over logic for so long. You are not the first woman to fall for a smooth-talker, a prince charming, nor, sadly, will you be the last. All of us want that perfect husband and amazing marriage, but it doesn’t come without work. Perfection is something we strive towards and, like anything worth having, a good marriage is a work in progress. It needs two people willing to overlook the small stuff and concentrate on the other person’s good qualities while respecting their differences. But that’s for another time when you are better able to absorb where you went wrong.
It is good that you finally see clearly what you must do. Pack up important documents and paperwork and a few necessities and valuables and leave. Go home to your parents and wait and see what happens. Should Dan come looking for you and you feel threatened, call the police. You should retain an attorney in order to start divorce proceedings and call a rav to facilitate a get. By the sound of it, I don’t think you will have to worry about custody issues, as Dan wants nothing to do with his son, so there’s little worry about that. You should also seek out a therapist for yourself. You have been through a major ordeal and will need help working through the great damage you sustained emotionally and physically. Therapy will also help you understand why you fell prey to an abuser and how to avoid making the same mistake in the future.
