web analytics
October 24, 2014 / 30 Tishri, 5775
At a Glance
Judaism
Sponsored Post
Meir Panim with Soldiers 5774 Roundup: Year of Relief and Service for Israel’s Needy

Meir Panim implements programs that serve Israel’s neediest populations with respect and dignity. Meir Panim also coordinated care packages for families in the South during the Gaza War.



Jewish Dating: “Glamour Girl” or Aishes Chayil?


Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis

Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis

For the past few weeks I have been focusing on the difficulties of finding an appropriate shidduch. Despite the many efforts made by individuals and the Jewish community, the problem does not go away – if anything, it continues to escalate. I have received numerous e-mails in response to this painful challenge.

In last week’s column I shared with you just two of them, and B’ezrat Hashem, in the future, I hope to publish more. I invite our readers to share their views on how to best resolve this dilemma or at the very least, ameliorate it. In the interim, however, I will discuss the letter of the young lady who felt so hurt by the insensitive words of the shadchan whom she consulted.

My dear friend: I totally understand your feelings. It’s very difficult to call someone for help with a personal problem as sensitive as finding a shidduch, only to be put down and suffer embarrassment. Having said this, I would like you to try to bear in mind the teaching of our sages: “Al tadin…Do not judge your friend until you stand in his place.”

I know this is a tall order because it requires that we consider the actions or the words of the person who hurt us from his or her perspective. So let us consider what this shadchan may have meant to say when she uttered those abrasive words.

Could it be she wished to tell you that nowadays many men can be superficial in their search for a life partner, looking for a “glamour girl” rather than an aishes chayil? Could it be she tried to tell you it would be wise for you to be more flexible, more open-minded, and not lock yourself into limiting your options to just a certain “type”?

I do not know if this was her true intent, but let’s react the Torah way and give her the benefit of the doubt. Try to look away rather than allow her to injure you emotionally and diminish your confidence and self-esteem. When we feel hurt, it’s much better to let go and move on. To nurse our pain may just leave deep scars. So, once again, I advise you to give that shadchan the benefit if the doubt and move on.

The very first shidduch I made was at the age of sixteen. I discovered then, and I have seen it again and again, that while everyone dreams of that “ideal” future spouse, very often people end up marrying a totally different type. Yet, amazingly, they are convinced they have found the “person of their dreams.”

I can cite dozens of examples where singles seeking a shidduch come to me and describe their requirements. I would be hesitant to introduce them to someone who did not meet those expectations – only to later discover they had married a person whom I had never considered recommending for they were the exact opposite of what they described.

So, yes, I advise you to be more open and not lock yourself into a preconceived image.

And now I will share with you what is perhaps even more incredible when it comes to shidduchim. It can happen that the qualities you admired during the dating process can be the very qualities you find objectionable after marriage. For example, you always wanted someone who was strong and capable of “taking charge” – someone you could respect. And, happily, you found him. After marriage, however, these very same traits you admired will now seem oppressive.

Or you might meet someone during the dating process who is very kind, very considerate and ever ready to do whatever you desire. After marriage, however, these very qualities can become irritants as you now view them as a weakness – an inability to give direction or assume leadership.

There is much more to finding the right shidduch than meets the eye. It’s one thing to get married but it is something else again to live in harmony afterward, and at the end of the day that is what counts. Unfortunately, going under the chuppah does not guarantee a bayit ne’eman b’Yisrael where shalom bayis prevails. For this we need a lot of “siyato d’shamayoh” – help from G-d.

In my next column, I hope to outline exactly what that means. I will also cite those situations where you must stand firm, where you cannot have an open mind, where you cannot negotiate or compromise.

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

2 Responses to “Jewish Dating: “Glamour Girl” or Aishes Chayil?”

  1. Beryl Cohen says:

    This Rebbitzen is a most wonderful speaker, she speaks from her heart and makes one think. A really amazing woman.

  2. Very Open! Rabbi Leon Pettyjohn.

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Do you know where your vegetables grow?
Not So Kosher Shemittah L’Mehadrin
Latest Judaism Stories
Greenbaum-102414

Noach was the lonely man of faith living in a depraved world, full of wickedness.

Parsha-Perspectives-logo

Avraham became a great man during the 175 years of his life, while his predecessors became increasingly wicked, despite staggering knowledge, during their lifetimes of hundreds of years.

Rapps-Rabbi-Joshua-logo

Shem realized that he owed his existence to his father who brought him into the world.

Daf-Yomi-logo

Law-Abiding Citizen
‘That Which Is Crooked Cannot Be Made Straight…’
(Yevamos 22a-b)

The flood was not sent to destroy, but to restore the positive potential of the world.

Question: I recently loaned money to a friend who has been able to repay only part of it. This was an interest-free loan. We exchanged a signed IOU, not a proper shtar with witnesses, since I have always trusted her integrity and only wanted a document that confirms what was loaned and what was repaid. Now that shemittah is approaching, what should I do? Should I forgive the loan? And if my friend is not able to repay it, may I deduct the unpaid money from my ma’aser requirement?

Name Withheld

Why is there is no mention of dinosaurs, and other prehistoric animals, in the Torah?

Strict din demands perfection. There is no room for shortcomings and no place for excuses; you are responsible.

Surprisingly, my husband and one son arrived home over half-an-hour earlier than usual. I excitedly shared my perfect-timing story, but my better half one upped me easily.

Noach felt a tug, and then heard a rip. His jacket had been caught on the nail, and the beautiful suit had a tear.

Boundaries must be set in every home. Parents and children are not pals. They are not equals.

Noah and his wife could not fathom living together as husband and wife and continuing the human race

The Babel story is the 2nd in a 4-act drama that’s unmistakably a connecting thread of Bereishit

Our intentions are critical in raising children because they mimic everything we parents do & think

A humble person who achieves a position of prominence will utilize the standing to benefit others.

More Articles from Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis
Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis

Boundaries must be set in every home. Parents and children are not pals. They are not equals.

Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis

The call of the shofar is eternal. It is not musical. Its magnetic allurement cannot be explained.

We recently marked the thirteenth anniversary of 9/11 – that terrible day when the symbols of man’s power and achievement crumbled before our eyes and disappeared in fire and smoke. For a very brief moment we lost our smugness. Our confidence was shaken. Many of us actually searched our ways. Some of us even learned […]

One of the cornerstones of our Jewish life is chesed, kindness. Chesed can only be taught by example

“There is nothing new under the sun” is as valid today as it was yesterday.

The time immediately preceding Mashiach’s arrival is likened to the birth pangs of a woman in labor.

If we regard pain and suffering as mere coincidence, we will feel no motivation to examine our lives

What does Hashem want of us? That we should protect each other and the awesome heritage He gave us.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/judaism/rebbetzins-viewpointrebbetzin-jungreis/anguish-that-does-not-go-away/2012/01/11/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: