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Part 20 – At Risk Parents, At Risk Children


Schonbuch-Rabbi-Daniel

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Here are some effects that divorce may have on children and teenagers:

Children whose parents have divorced are increasingly the victims of abuse and neglect. They exhibit more health problems, as well as behavioral and emotional problems, are involved more frequently in crime and drug abuse, and have higher rates of suicide.

Children of divorced parents more frequently demonstrate a diminished learning capacity, performing more poorly than their peers from intact two-parent families in reading, spelling, and math. They also are more likely to repeat a grade and to have higher dropout rates and lower rates of college graduation.

Divorce generally reduces the income of the child’s primary household. For families that were not poor before the divorce, the drop in income can be as much as 50 percent. Moreover, decline in income is intergenerational, since children whose parents divorce are likely to earn less as adults than children raised in intact families.

Religious worship, which has been linked to health and happiness as well as longer marriages and better family life, is less prevalent in divorced families.

Parents usually experience a lot of pain when divorced, and the most common ways of handling that pain are either to withdraw from their children or to become overprotective. Children are sensitive to their parents’ feelings and have many ways of dealing with this problem, either internally or externally. Children may respond with depression or guilt, believing that somehow the pain is entirely their fault. Most children have a never-ending hope that their parents will reconcile, even after one or both parents have remarried. Therefore, a sense of abandonment by one or both parents is very common for such children and may contribute to at-risk behavior during adolescence.

Relationship Quiz

Assessing your Marriage

Parents of a teenager at risk need to ask themselves some very pointed questions to evaluate the quality of their marriage. Here are some questions:

Are you sensitive to your spouse’s needs? Do you argue in a fair manner? Do you resolve conflicts easily? When you talk to each other, do you feel you have been heard? If not, why not? Are you content with your emotional, social and physical intimacy? Do you have fun together? Do you joke about the bad times you may be having in a friendly way? Are you forgiving with each other? How do you handle the division of household responsibilities?

Spend a few minutes with your spouse, taking this quiz and evaluating how you are doing in your marriage. The first step you must take is acknowledging and accepting any trouble in your relationship. It is common for people to brush off an issue, expecting it will take care of itself and eventually go away. Nobody wants marital problems, but if you ignore them, you will only be giving them room to grow. Talk to your spouse about problems and work together for a solution with which you both agree and feel comfortable.

*Arlene F. Saluter and Terry A. Lugaila, “Marital Status and Living Arrangements: March 1996,” Population Division, U.S. Bureau of the Census, no. P20 496, March 1998, www.census.gov/prod/3/98pubs/p20-496.pdf.

Next week, Part 21, When to seek advice for marital issues

Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, MA, is the Executive Director of Shalom Task Force and author of a “First Aid for Jewish Marriages.” To order a copy, visit www.JewishMarriageSupport.com. For more information about Shalom Task Force, please visit www.shalomtaskforce.org. You can e-mail questions to him at rabbischonbuch@yahoo.com.

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About the Author: Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, MA, Marriage and Family Therapy, is an expert in marriage counseling, pre-marital education, and helping teens in crisis with offices in Flatbush, Cedarhurst, and Crown Heights. He is a certified PAIRS instructor, and trained as a Level 1, Emotionally Focused Therapist at the Ackerman Institute for the Family, and is a member of AASECT. He is the author of At Risk – Never Beyond Reach and First Aid For Jewish Marriages. To watch his free videos on marriage and parenting and for appointments visit: www.JewishMarriageSupport.com or call 646-428-4723


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More Articles from Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch
Schonbuch-Rabbi-Daniel

Separation anxiety disorder is a condition in which a child becomes fearful and nervous when away from home or separated from a loved one – usually a parent or other caregiver – to whom the child is attached.

Schonbuch-Rabbi-Daniel

I try to focus on the parents in a way that is not often addressed. As soon as the child gets anxious, the parent gets anxious;

Most people are not aware that anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the United States, affecting 40 million adults age 18 and older (18% of U.S. population).

Parental conflict affects children in varying ways, depending on their age. For example, teenagers around the age of fifteen or sixteen are most likely to involve themselves in their parents’ battles. Younger children may keep their feelings hidden inside and may only show signs of depression in late childhood or early adolescence.

When parents come to talk to me about a troubled child or teenager, I often find it helpful to explore whether or not their marriage is causing their teenager to be at risk.

Active listening is only one part of the marriage equation; learning what to say and what not to say is the other half. And, it’s not just about expressing your feelings, but doing it in a way that avoids hurting the other person.

Control may be the most destructive force influencing a marriage. Let me illustrate this point with the following story. About two years ago a woman named Bracha, 47, came to speak to me about her husband’s controlling behavior. This is how she described her precarious situation:

Controlling behavior may be the number one reason that your marriage needs first aid.

If you are unfamiliar with the topic of control, it’s no surprise. Most people are unaware that control is a major issue for counselors, therapists and psychologists-at-large.

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Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/part-20-at-risk-parents-at-risk-children/2009/06/26/

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