web analytics
October 2, 2014 / 8 Tishri, 5775
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
Meir Panim with Soldiers 5774 Roundup: Year of Relief and Service for Israel’s Needy

Meir Panim implements programs that serve Israel’s neediest populations with respect and dignity. Meir Panim also coordinated care packages for families in the South during the Gaza War.



Showing Respect Gets Results

Respler-042012

Dear Dr. Respler: At the recent wedding of my best friend’s son, I arrived for the chuppah early so as to secure a seat close to the front and by the aisle. I didn’t want to miss anything.

The room quickly filled up and soon there were no seats available. Suddenly, a woman walked in and placed a chair in the aisle, right in front of me and sat there, blocking my view. I knew she was the type of person who might start yelling at me if I said anything to her and, as this would cause a commotion, I decided to remain quiet. I definitely did not want to create a scene. I wasn’t the only person being affected. Another close friend of the chosson’s mother was sitting next to me and this woman blocked her view as well.

This friend quietly approached the woman, whispered something in her ear, and the woman immediately left her seat. I asked my friend what she had said and was astounded by the eloquent way she handled someone who was clearly demonstrating chutzpah.

In a quiet and respectful manner, she told that woman that the position she was sitting in would probably block the photographer from snapping proper pictures. She said it in a quiet and respectful tone.

I was very impressed with her answer. Dr. Yael, please address the issue of how we can help people who behave inappropriately change their action without creating an argumentative situation. As I usually opt to remain quiet while seething inside, any helpful advice would be appreciated. A Passive Reader

Dear Passive Reader: Thank you for raising this matter. I will try to give you some ideas as to how to put the technique you’ve lauded into action. I agree that your friend handled herself appropriately and astutely.

People who behave inappropriately generally have low self-esteem and do not respond kindly to criticism. Your friend seems to have learned how to make people feel at ease, treating them in a non-threatening way. The statement to the woman obstructing both of your views, that perhaps the photographer would not be able to take appropriate pictures, was not a criticism or negative statement but rather a non-threatening observation, which allowed the other woman to move without feeling defensive or disparaged. Furthermore by showing the other woman respect, she allowed her to feel at ease.

Recently I was stuck in a traffic jam on a side street in Brooklyn. I was blocked off due to a problem ahead of me and there were several police officers monitoring the situation. Seeing that I could not proceed, I just sat back and relaxed. Next to me was a young, impatient frum guy who started honking his horn. I did not quite get why he was honking, as clearly nothing was moving because something was going on.

A young police officer strutted over to me and started screaming. I pulled down my window and he said in a loud, irate tone, “Lady, why are you honking? Don’t you see there is a problem?” I knew that I had not honked; it was the frum guy next to me who did. Quickly assessing my situation, I realized that I could not tell the cop that I did not honk, since saying that would mean I was massering (informing) on him. I also hoped that with my knowledge of psychology, I would be more successful in dealing with the police officer. So I listened to the cop yelling at me and I apologized by saying, “I am so sorry, sir. You are right to be upset. You protect our city, so please accept my apology.” This did not appease the young police officer, who seemed to enjoy yelling at me. He continued to yell, and when I thought he was finished I started to roll up the window.

But he kept yelling, trying to put me in my place. I rolled down the window and listened politely until he felt satisfied that he had yelled enough. Baruch Hashem, he did not issue me a ticket for honking inappropriately. And all the while the young frum guy gazed at what was happening, knowing that he was the culprit and appreciating the fact that I was taking the blame for his misdeed. With the police officer gone from the scene, the problem was resolved five minutes later and it was full steam ahead.

In my story, I attempted to accord the police officer extreme respect. Likewise, in your story, your friend demonstrated respect to the other woman. Had she said loudly and disrespectfully, “Don’t you know that the way you are sitting will interfere with the photographer?” I am not sure that the results would have been as effective as they turned out to be. By exerting effort to demonstrate respect, she validated the other woman’s ego.

We need to follow this woman’s lead by never embarrassing others and ensuring that we respect others’ feelings. The saying, “You will get more results with honey than by stinging the other human being,” is always true – and especially so when dealing with angry and chutzpadik people. Remaining calm and speaking respectfully is a great technique when dealing with difficult people.

The key issue in relationships is to always think of ways to make the other person feel good and preserve their ego and integrity. You will always win in life by acting this way, for it is the proper way for a true bas Yisrael and ben Yisrael to behave.

I wish you hatzlachah in your dealings with difficult people, and in your attempts to accomplish your goals without hurting others!

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Showing Respect Gets Results”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Colin H. Kahl, VP Joe Biden's new national security adviser.
Biden’s New NSA Chief Mocked Israeli Nuke Fears
Latest Sections Stories
Israeli winery

“You want to know what this wine looked like, which wine King David drank, white or red…. We can see if it’s red or white, strong or weak.”

Mindy-092614-Choc-Roll

I should be pursuing plateaus of pure and holy, but I’m busy delving and developing palatable palates instead.

Schonfeld-logo1

Brown argues that this wholehearted living must extend into our parenting.

If we truly honor the other participants in a conversation, we can support, empathize with, and even celebrate their feelings.

I witnessed the true strength of Am Yisrael during those few days.

She writes intuitively, freely, and only afterwards understands the meaning of what she has written.

“I knew it was a great idea, a win-win situation for everyone,” said Burstein.

Not knowing any better, I assumed that Molly and her mother must be voracious readers.

“I would really love my mother-in-law …if she weren’t my mother-in-law.”

For each weekly reading, Rabbi Grysman begins with a synopsis of the Torah portion, followed by a focus on a major issue.

It’s Rosh Hashanah. A new year. Time for a fresh start. Time for a new slate. Time for change.

Governor Rick Scott visited North Miami Beach/Aventura on the morning of Wednesday, September 17.

While the cost per student is higher than mainstream schools, Metzuyan Academy ESE is a priceless educational opportunity for children with special needs in South Florida.

Challah-pa-looza helped get the community ready and excited about the upcoming Jewish New Year.

More Articles from Dr. Yael Respler
Respler-092614-In-Laws

“I would really love my mother-in-law …if she weren’t my mother-in-law.”

Respler-092614

Not enjoying saying no, I often succumbed to requests viewing them as demands I couldn’t refuse.

It’s fair to say that we all know or have someone in our family who is divorced.

I recently met a wonderful woman who writes poetry. With her permission, I am sharing a poem she wrote about time.

What can we do to help him stop feeling so sad all the time?

Perhaps you can reach a compromise during this news frenzy, whereby you will feel more comfortable while he can still follow the latest events.

There could be no Jewish-themed books and, as such, the lack of knowledge these boys displayed in regards to many of the topics we read about was clear.

Upon hearing that he did, the owner sent him the atarah – all shiny and new – to be returned to me. I was reunited with my father’s precious gift.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/showing-respect-gets-results/2012/04/19/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: