web analytics
September 1, 2015 / 17 Elul, 5775
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post


Spicing Up Your Marriage

Respler-060812

Dear Dr. Yael:

After 30 years of marriage, some things that bothered me before are now magnified. While my husband was trying to make a living I stayed home, doing the shopping and taking care of the kids. I never demanded – and still don’t require – vacations, fancy clothing and going out to eat.

I feel as if I am not my husband’s friend or equal partner. At times I feel like I just work in my home – unappreciated, unloved and lonely. We probably should have worked more on our marriage, but instead we just let things proceed as they were. There were blowups, both of us said things that were not nice, and then things improved for a short time. I always felt that he was a little selfish, always worrying how tired he was and never really caring whether I had a hard day and needed help with the kids or in the house. While I appreciate all of his positive efforts, I also want to feel appreciated.

As we are now getting older, I feel that he asks the kids for their opinions more than he asks me for mine. Much of what he ends up doing is okay, but it is his way of going about things that bothers me. I should be his partner in making decisions, but I feel like my opinion is not wanted. If I disagree with him, either my view is criticized or it is said about me in private that I am difficult and going through a crisis.

Do women in their 50s, my age bracket, regularly experience what I’m going through? I thought that as we got older we would have a warmer and more loving relationship; instead I feel lonely and that I’m always taking a back seat to everyone. I feel that my husband does not value and support me.

How do I channel my feelings for the better, and have us become true life partners?

Saddened Wife

P.S. My children think that I am undergoing a crisis. I assure you that that is not the case; I am simply realizing that things need to change in order for me to be happier. I no longer wish to brush everything under the rug.

Dear Saddened Wife:

I sympathize with your plight.

The roles of mother and wife are of paramount importance and, unfortunately, often not appreciated. I am sure that your family’s successes are due largely to your efforts. However, it seems that you feel that your husband doesn’t appreciate you and doesn’t value your opinion.

Based on your letter, it is unclear how your husband actually feels and what his perspective is on the situation. You seem to feel that you’ve sacrificed a great deal during your marriage and that you clearly feel unappreciated and unloved despite your efforts. (I will suggest ways to help you improve your situation but, to be fair, as I am only hearing your side of the story I will refrain from commenting about your husband.)

It is imperative that you discuss your feelings with your husband. It is very possible that he doesn’t even realize how he is making you feel. It is also possible that your husband may not feel this way about you, but you think he feels this way because of certain actions of his. This may lead you to conclude that his actions are meant to be negative.

It is very important for a woman to have self-esteem. As your children are grown, you might consider doing something outside the home. Maybe it is time for you to start loving and caring for yourself. Perhaps you should do some kind of creative and energetic work – either to earn money or for chesed – that will make you feel happier. Since no spouse can actually fulfill all of the other’s emotional needs, being involved in other activities might very well increase your level of happiness.

Ponder these questions: Do you spend time with friends? Do you have a regular exercise routine? Do you sleep enough and eat well? By making self-enhancement in these areas, you will be taking care of your needs. This does not mean you are selfish; rather, you are feeding yourself emotionally and physically.

On the exercise front, think about walking. It is obviously inexpensive, and a great way to upgrade yourself physically. Try to get a walking partner (you might even become close friends with this person), and begin this exercise now – with the spring/early summer weather upon us. And adhere to a strict walking schedule, so as to gain its full benefits.

To boost your marriage, take a vacation with your husband – it does not have to be an inexpensive one. Take a day or two to do some fun things together. Hopefully, focusing on each other will give you the opportunity to rebuild your relationship.

You may also want to seek professional help from someone with a reputation for saving marriages. If your husband refuses to join you, you should attend alone and learn “countermoves.” Hopefully, these countermoves will ultimately lead him to go for therapy with you or to change for the better.

Hatzlachah in dealing with your challenging situation!

About the Author: Letters may be emailed to deardryael@aol.com. To schedule an appointment, please call 917-751-4887. Dr. Respler will be on 102.1 FM at 10:00 pm Sunday evenings after Country Yossi.


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Spicing Up Your Marriage”

Comments are closed.

Current Top Story
President Obama in the fog.
US Says It Doesn’t Even Know How Many Americans Live in West Bank
Latest Sections Stories
Recipe-082815-LChaim-cookbook

Last year, OneFamily published a cookbook in Hebrew featuring the bereaved mothers’ recipes.

Astaire-082815-Books

How did an unresolved murder case turn into an accusation of ritual murder?

Recipe-082815-Apple-cover

Excerpted from The Apple Cookbook (c) Olwen Woodier. Photography by (c) Leigh Beisch Photography with Food Stylist Robyn Valarik. Used with permission of Storey Publishing.

South-Florida-logo

The flag had been taken down in the aftermath of the Charleston shooting and was now back and flying.

A light breakfast of coffee and danishes will be available during the program.

A variety of glatt kosher food will be available for purchase at Kosher Korner (near Section 1).

Jewish Press South Florida Editor Shelley Benveniste will deliver a talk.

Corey Brier, corresponding secretary of the organization, introduced the rabbi.

The magnificent 400-seat sanctuary with beautiful stained glass windows, a stunning carved glass Aron Kodesh, a ballroom, social hall, and beis medrash will accommodate the growing synagogue.

Even when our prayers are ignored and troubles confront us, Rabbi Shoff teaches that it is the same God who sent the difficulties as who answered our prayers before.

I’ve put together some of the most frequently asked questions regarding bullies, friendship and learning disabilities.

His parents make it clear that they feel the right thing is for Avi to visit his grandfather, but they leave it up to him.

There is a rich Jewish history in this part of the world. Now the hidden customs are being revealed, as many seek to reconnect with their roots.

More Articles from Dr. Yael Respler
Respler-082815

There are times when a psychiatrist will over-medicate, which is why it’s important to find a psychiatrist whom you trust and feel comfortable with.

Respler-082115

Dr. Yael Respler is taking a well-deserved vacation this week and asked Eilon Even-Esh to share some thoughts with her readers in her stead.

My husband is a great guy and very loving – except when things don’t go his way.

A great portion of mental illness stems from a defect in the body.

Personally I wish that I had a mother like my wife.

Why should any girl deserve to end up with a guy who can’t even think straight?

Women don’t often realize they are being abused, especially if the abuse is emotional rather than physical.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/spicing-up-your-marriage/2012/06/07/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: