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Starting All Over


Herskowitz-Moishe

When searching for a partner in marriage we are often attracted to people who are different than we are. Sometimes the very same qualities we find charming and exciting are the ones we find ourselves trying to change after marriage. Rather than understand, accept and appreciate our partners for who they are, we turn the differences into the source of our frustration, irritation and dissatisfaction. Many couples try to change their partners to be more like themselves. These couples sincerely want things to be better between them, but because they don’t understand the problem they can’t figure out how to fix it. They start criticizing, complaining and blaming each other. This blame is the downfall for most couples. Instead of negotiating, they demand change. But without counseling this change is not always for the better.

About one third of the divorced people who re-marry tend to repeat and to carry over the same or more complicated personality and relationship problems into their second marriage. When I council couples who are divorced and now want to get married we start all over, once the couple understands each other’s personality type they can have more compassion and support for who they are and nurture the qualities that the other partner values, not just the ones that they value.

The curriculum I use is the same as in Pre-Marital Counseling. We cover twenty-one topics in seven sessions. But the difference is that each person comes into the marriage with wounded pride, and a lot of pain. Loyalty issues may arise for the children since they often hope secretly that mommy and tati will get back together again. As bad as the home situation was, many of these children still grieve for the previous family structure.

The role of the Pre-Marital Counselor is crucial. The complications of couple conflict are such that distortion of perception by one or both prospective mates can often affect the marriage. As the couple will start all over, Pre-Marital Counseling will hopefully change harmful habits, relieve emotional stress, clarify issues and develop insights which will result in personal and spiritual growth so that the couple can once again achieve shalom bayis, and a build a makom kodesh.

CPC – Center for Pre-Marital Counseling, is endorsed by Rabbi Pikus of COJO of Flatbush, and leading rabbonim and Torah authorities in the NY community.

Moishe Herskowitz MS., CSW, is a marriage counselor and maintains his private practice in Brooklyn as founder of CPC. He is an educator, lecturer, consultant and adjunct professor at Touro College. He is the counseling coordinator for Career Services at Touro College and the At Risk Center in Brooklyn. Moishe is presently working as a licensed guidance counselor for the NYC Board of Ed. in Special Education.

For more information or to obtain a free brochure, please contact Moishe Herskowitz at 435-7388 or at CPCMoishe@aol.com.

About the Author: Moishe Herskowitz, MS., LCSW, developed the T.E.A.M. (Torah Education & Awareness for a better Marriage). As a licensed clinical social worker and renowned family therapist, he guides new couples through easy-to-accomplish steps towards a happy, healthy marriage. He can be reached at CPCMoishe@aol.com or 718-435-7388.


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Your husband seems to have experienced what we have described as the Ambivalent Attachment.

Many times when a couple is arguing they may, unconsciously, trigger childhood anger. So much so, that if we would stop and listen to what they are arguing about, it would sounds like two eight year olds fighting in the back yard.

In my last article I had mentioned that often one of the symptoms of autophobia, a fear of abandonment, is that as adults people suffering with this condition may become extremely sensitive to rejection.

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The fear of abandonment, also known as autophobia, is an anxiety disorder characterized by an acute fear of being alone. Often, one of the symptoms of this particular anxiety is a strong need to be in control. This is because one has previously lost someone close through separation, divorce or death and may unconsciously blames his or herself for the event. When this happens, any type of separation may traumatize the person, even the marriage of his or her own child can be viewed as a life-threatening event.

The following was a letter sent as a response to the article, “Children of Shame” (02-04-2011). The article addressed the fact that children learn at a very young age to disconnect their feelings as a mechanism to end their feelings of shame. As these children become adults, they find it difficult to reconnect those out of fear that once again they will feel the pain of shame.

Children who grew up feeling shameful for the most part will have also grown up without someone to talk to about how it made them feel.

Shame is one of the most destructive feelings there is. It is a feeling that something is wrong within us and has a negative affect on a child’s self-development.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/starting-all-over/2003/07/16/

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