Situated in the south of Jerusalem, the project benefits from one of the city’s most prestigious and desirable locales, nestled in a particularly attractive area between the Talpiot neighborhood and the green groves of Kibbutz Ramat Rachel.
Note to readers: With boundless gratitude to the Ribbono Shel Olam and with joyful hearts, we are pleased to inform you of the engagement of our son Baruch to Alanna Apfel of Los Angeles, daughter of Gary and Serena Apfel. For those who wish to extend mazel tov wishes to our son and his kallah, his e-mail address is firstname.lastname@example.org. We can be reached at email@example.com.
Yakov and Udi Horowitz
We are not quite sure how to respond to the request of our 12-year-old son, who is begging us to be “left alone” for the second “trip” (the last four weeks of summer) and not attend a local day camp.
He is enrolled in sleep-away camp for the first four weeks of summer and, by all accounts, he seemed to have had a wonderful time there in past years. In fact, last year he won the “Best Camper” award and we received excellent reports from the staff on visiting day.
Our dilemma is that he recently informed us that he wants to “hang out” at home for the last four weeks and not go to day camp – as he has for the past few years. He says that he is tired of being told when to wake up, when to be at meals, and when to go to sleep. He just keeps saying that he wants to be “left alone.”
He is our oldest child, and childcare is not a problem. But we are worried. Is this a normal thing for him to want? Is it good for him to be unstructured for so long?
Rabbi Horowitz Responds
This past summer, I accepted an invitation to serve as a scholar-in-residence at a kosher summer vacation program in Canada. During my stay there, it was quite remarkable to observe the strikingly diverse manners in which people spent their “down-time.”
Some of them embodied the “A-type” personality throughout the 10 days – waking up at 6 a.m., davening at the first minyan, eating a quick breakfast, and briskly walking through the hotel lobby to begin a 12-14 hour day of touring and sightseeing. One evening during dinner, as I listened to one of the A-types tell me about all the sites visited that day, I told my wife that I almost got dizzy just listening to the report.
Others had the polar opposite approach to their vacation. Their idea of leisure time is to disengage from the frantic pace of modern-day life and basically leave their watch in their hotel room safe. One could sum up the vacation profile of the “B-type” people with the Yiddish phrase, Kim ich nisht haint, kim ich morgen – which loosely translated means, I am in no rush to get anywhere or do anything. It was interesting to note that several of the B-type vacationers were the quintessential A-type people in their daily lives back home, and that there were men and women in both groups – often with the two spouses having opposite profiles.
Just imagine what torture it would be to plunk down one of the B-types in a car full of A-types for an endless day of running from place-to-place touring. I think the B-type person would think that he/she is being punished for his/her sins, and not enjoying a vacation.
I often quote the timeless and sage advice of Reb Shlomo Wolbe, zt”l, who said that children should be viewed as the miniature adults they are – each with their unique personality. What he was trying to root out with his remarks was the notion that children can be lumped into one grouping and treated all the same, and instead reinforce the critical reality that they are all individuals – just like adults. When we follow his approach, we embrace the following words of Shlomo HaMelech (King Solomon) in Mishlei (Proverbs): “Chanoch l’na’ar al pi darko – Educate the child according to his ways [and then he will not depart from it].”
Back to your son’s summer request, viewed through the lens of Reb Wolbe’s insight. This simply means that your son wants a B-type format for the second four weeks of summer. This may just be a manifestation of his personality – enjoying “down-time” in his own way. In fact I will make a bold prediction, and tell you that when your child grows up, he will probably carry that B-type vacation profile for the rest of his life.
(I think that this theme of viewing children as little adults – when implemented with wisdom and balance – is one of the most important concepts in effective parenting. And while I don’t like to harp on the negative, I would say that a one-size-fits-all approach is one of the most destructive mindsets that parents can have.)
Keeping all this in mind, I strongly suggest that you honor your son’s request. With the rigorous schedule that our teen children have nowadays, the last thing you want is for him to start a new school year burned out or feeling that he didn’t have a vacation.
I suggest that you consider making the following provisos:
1)Right now, before you give your blessing to his time off, clearly lay out your expectations for him during those weeks. For example, davening with minyan, learning with a chavrusah (study partner) or rebbe for a determined period of time, doing some chores around the house, etc. Make sure that you specify exactly what you want, so there is no confusion.
2)Inform him that since this is uncharted territory, you will consider the first of the four weeks to be a trial period, and that you will evaluate things after one week – with the understanding that should things not go well, you reserve the right to enroll him in day camp for the last three weeks. (Of course, you have the right to do that regardless of your preconditions. But it is always wiser to prepare your children for the consequences of their actions.)
Finally, enjoy your time with him. Kids grow up quickly, so trust me when I say that in a few short years, you will be very glad to get his undivided attention for just a few minutes – when he is a teenager!
Rabbi Yakov Horowitz is the founder and dean of Yeshiva Darchei Noam of Monsey, and the founder and director of Agudath Israel’s Project Y.E.S. He recently released his parenting book, Living and Parenting (ArtScroll). To obtain a copy, please visit www.rabbihorowitz.com, e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org, call 845-352-7100 x 133, or visit your local Judaica store.
About the Author: Rabbi Yakov Horowitz is founder and dean of Yeshiva Darchei Noam and founder and director of Agudath Israel's Project Y.E.S.
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One should not give the money before Purim morning or after sunset.
The mishloach manos of times gone by were sometimes simple and sometimes elaborate, but the main focus was on the preparation of the delicious food they contained.
One of the earliest special Purims we have on record was celebrated by the Jews of Granada and Shmuel HaNagid, the eleventh-century rav, poet, soldier and statesman, and one of the most influential Jews in Muslim Spain.
The lessons conform to the sensitivities and needs of the Orthodox community…
The program took on special significance as it marked not only the first anniversary of Rebbetzin Kudan’s levayah but also the 27th yahrzeit of Rebbetzin Chaya Mushka Schneerson, a”h.
It captures the love of the Jewish soul as only Shlomo Hamelech could portray it – and as only Rabbi Miller could explain it.
Erudite and academic, drawing from ancient and modern sources, the book can be discussed at the Shabbos table as well as in kollel.
I’m here to sit next to you and help you through this Purim with three almost-too-easy mishloach manot ideas, all made with cost-conscious paper bags.
Kids want to be like their friends, and they want to give and get “normal” mishloach manos stocked with store-bought treats.
Whenever he did anything loving for me, I made a big deal about it.
“OMG, it’s so cute, you’re so cute, everything is so cute.”
A program that started with a handful of volunteers has grown exponentially to include students from a wider array of backgrounds.
Those of us familiar with the do’s and don’ts of accepted practice in the mental health profession saw similar blaring warning lights in our minds, as should have occurred when the facts were made public regarding the accusations against Nehemia Weberman. This case may very well be our community’s most important abuse trial during our lifetimes. It is imperative that we have a huge turnout in support of the victim, a courageous young lady who, may she be gezunt andge’bentched, is determined to see this through to the end so others won’t suffer like she did.
These lines are written in loving memory of our dear father, Reb Shlomo Zev ben Reb Baruch Yehudah Nutovic, a”h, whose first yahrzeit is 7 Menachem Av. May the positive lessons learned from this essay be a zechus for his neshamah.
All responsible leaders in our community have roundly condemned the recent violence in Beit Shemesh and Meah Shearim.
A surefire way to gauge the generation in which a person was raised is to have him or her fill in the following sentence: Where were you when ?”
Baby Boomers would ask, “When President Kennedy was shot?” Thirtysomethings would respond, “When the space shuttle exploded?” Today’s teenagers would reply, “On 9/11?”
One week ago on my website I announced my intention to attend the next court appearance of a man who was arrested last year and is now standing trial on 10 felony charges of child abuse.
Dear Rabbi Horowitz:
We were taken aback when our 18-year-old son just called us from Eretz Yisrael (we live in Europe) and told us that he was coming home and wants to immediately go to work. He said that he is wasting his time in yeshiva, and just can’t take it anymore. He said that he will “run away from home” if we don’t allow him to go to work.
Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/parenting-our-children/our-son-refuses-to-attend-day-camp/2008/06/04/
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