Africa Israel Residences, part of the Africa Israel Investments Group led by international businessman Lev Leviev, will present 7 leading projects on the The Israel Real Estate Exhibition in New York on Sep 14-15, 2014.
Note to readers: With boundless gratitude to the Ribbono Shel Olam and with joyful hearts, we are pleased to inform you of the engagement of our son Baruch to Alanna Apfel of Los Angeles, daughter of Gary and Serena Apfel. For those who wish to extend mazel tov wishes to our son and his kallah, his e-mail address is email@example.com. We can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Yakov and Udi Horowitz
We are not quite sure how to respond to the request of our 12-year-old son, who is begging us to be “left alone” for the second “trip” (the last four weeks of summer) and not attend a local day camp.
He is enrolled in sleep-away camp for the first four weeks of summer and, by all accounts, he seemed to have had a wonderful time there in past years. In fact, last year he won the “Best Camper” award and we received excellent reports from the staff on visiting day.
Our dilemma is that he recently informed us that he wants to “hang out” at home for the last four weeks and not go to day camp – as he has for the past few years. He says that he is tired of being told when to wake up, when to be at meals, and when to go to sleep. He just keeps saying that he wants to be “left alone.”
He is our oldest child, and childcare is not a problem. But we are worried. Is this a normal thing for him to want? Is it good for him to be unstructured for so long?
Rabbi Horowitz Responds
This past summer, I accepted an invitation to serve as a scholar-in-residence at a kosher summer vacation program in Canada. During my stay there, it was quite remarkable to observe the strikingly diverse manners in which people spent their “down-time.”
Some of them embodied the “A-type” personality throughout the 10 days – waking up at 6 a.m., davening at the first minyan, eating a quick breakfast, and briskly walking through the hotel lobby to begin a 12-14 hour day of touring and sightseeing. One evening during dinner, as I listened to one of the A-types tell me about all the sites visited that day, I told my wife that I almost got dizzy just listening to the report.
Others had the polar opposite approach to their vacation. Their idea of leisure time is to disengage from the frantic pace of modern-day life and basically leave their watch in their hotel room safe. One could sum up the vacation profile of the “B-type” people with the Yiddish phrase, Kim ich nisht haint, kim ich morgen – which loosely translated means, I am in no rush to get anywhere or do anything. It was interesting to note that several of the B-type vacationers were the quintessential A-type people in their daily lives back home, and that there were men and women in both groups – often with the two spouses having opposite profiles.
Just imagine what torture it would be to plunk down one of the B-types in a car full of A-types for an endless day of running from place-to-place touring. I think the B-type person would think that he/she is being punished for his/her sins, and not enjoying a vacation.
I often quote the timeless and sage advice of Reb Shlomo Wolbe, zt”l, who said that children should be viewed as the miniature adults they are – each with their unique personality. What he was trying to root out with his remarks was the notion that children can be lumped into one grouping and treated all the same, and instead reinforce the critical reality that they are all individuals – just like adults. When we follow his approach, we embrace the following words of Shlomo HaMelech (King Solomon) in Mishlei (Proverbs): “Chanoch l’na’ar al pi darko – Educate the child according to his ways [and then he will not depart from it].”
Back to your son’s summer request, viewed through the lens of Reb Wolbe’s insight. This simply means that your son wants a B-type format for the second four weeks of summer. This may just be a manifestation of his personality – enjoying “down-time” in his own way. In fact I will make a bold prediction, and tell you that when your child grows up, he will probably carry that B-type vacation profile for the rest of his life.
(I think that this theme of viewing children as little adults – when implemented with wisdom and balance – is one of the most important concepts in effective parenting. And while I don’t like to harp on the negative, I would say that a one-size-fits-all approach is one of the most destructive mindsets that parents can have.)
Keeping all this in mind, I strongly suggest that you honor your son’s request. With the rigorous schedule that our teen children have nowadays, the last thing you want is for him to start a new school year burned out or feeling that he didn’t have a vacation.
I suggest that you consider making the following provisos:
1)Right now, before you give your blessing to his time off, clearly lay out your expectations for him during those weeks. For example, davening with minyan, learning with a chavrusah (study partner) or rebbe for a determined period of time, doing some chores around the house, etc. Make sure that you specify exactly what you want, so there is no confusion.
2)Inform him that since this is uncharted territory, you will consider the first of the four weeks to be a trial period, and that you will evaluate things after one week – with the understanding that should things not go well, you reserve the right to enroll him in day camp for the last three weeks. (Of course, you have the right to do that regardless of your preconditions. But it is always wiser to prepare your children for the consequences of their actions.)
Finally, enjoy your time with him. Kids grow up quickly, so trust me when I say that in a few short years, you will be very glad to get his undivided attention for just a few minutes – when he is a teenager!
Rabbi Yakov Horowitz is the founder and dean of Yeshiva Darchei Noam of Monsey, and the founder and director of Agudath Israel’s Project Y.E.S. He recently released his parenting book, Living and Parenting (ArtScroll). To obtain a copy, please visit www.rabbihorowitz.com, e-mail email@example.com, call 845-352-7100 x 133, or visit your local Judaica store.
About the Author: Rabbi Yakov Horowitz is founder and dean of Yeshiva Darchei Noam and founder and director of Agudath Israel's Project Y.E.S.
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Today, fifty years and six million (!) people later, Israel is truly a different world.
There will always be items that don’t freeze well – salads and some rice- or potato-based dishes – so you need to leave time to prepare or cook them closer to Yom Tov and ensure there is enough room in the refrigerator to store them.
This is an important one in raising a mentsch (and maybe even in marrying off a mentsch! listening skills are on the top of the list when I do shidduch coaching).
While multitasking is not ideal, it is often necessary and unavoidable.
Maybe now that your kids are back in school, you should start cleaning for Pesach.
The interpreter was expected to be a talmid chacham himself and be able to also offer explanations and clarifications to the students.
“When Frank does something he does it well and you don’t have to worry about dotting the i’s or crossing the t’s.”
“On Sunday I was at the Kotel with the battalion and we said a prayer of thanks. In Gaza there were so many moments of death that I had to thank God that I’m alive. Only then did I realize how frightening it had been there.”
Neglect, indifference or criticism can break a person’s neshama.
It’s fair to say that we all know or have someone in our family who is divorced.
The assumption of a shared kinship is based on being part of the human race. Life is so much easier to figure out when everyone thinks the same way.
Various other learning opportunities will be offered to the community throughout the year.
Those of us familiar with the do’s and don’ts of accepted practice in the mental health profession saw similar blaring warning lights in our minds, as should have occurred when the facts were made public regarding the accusations against Nehemia Weberman. This case may very well be our community’s most important abuse trial during our lifetimes. It is imperative that we have a huge turnout in support of the victim, a courageous young lady who, may she be gezunt andge’bentched, is determined to see this through to the end so others won’t suffer like she did.
These lines are written in loving memory of our dear father, Reb Shlomo Zev ben Reb Baruch Yehudah Nutovic, a”h, whose first yahrzeit is 7 Menachem Av. May the positive lessons learned from this essay be a zechus for his neshamah.
All responsible leaders in our community have roundly condemned the recent violence in Beit Shemesh and Meah Shearim.
A surefire way to gauge the generation in which a person was raised is to have him or her fill in the following sentence: Where were you when ?”
Baby Boomers would ask, “When President Kennedy was shot?” Thirtysomethings would respond, “When the space shuttle exploded?” Today’s teenagers would reply, “On 9/11?”
One week ago on my website I announced my intention to attend the next court appearance of a man who was arrested last year and is now standing trial on 10 felony charges of child abuse.
Dear Rabbi Horowitz:
We were taken aback when our 18-year-old son just called us from Eretz Yisrael (we live in Europe) and told us that he was coming home and wants to immediately go to work. He said that he is wasting his time in yeshiva, and just can’t take it anymore. He said that he will “run away from home” if we don’t allow him to go to work.
Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/parenting-our-children/our-son-refuses-to-attend-day-camp/2008/06/04/
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