Note to readers: With boundless gratitude to the Ribbono Shel Olam and with joyful hearts, we are pleased to inform you of the engagement of our son Baruch to Alanna Apfel of Los Angeles, daughter of Gary and Serena Apfel. For those who wish to extend mazel tov wishes to our son and his kallah, his e-mail address is firstname.lastname@example.org. We can be reached at email@example.com.
Yakov and Udi Horowitz
We are not quite sure how to respond to the request of our 12-year-old son, who is begging us to be “left alone” for the second “trip” (the last four weeks of summer) and not attend a local day camp.
He is enrolled in sleep-away camp for the first four weeks of summer and, by all accounts, he seemed to have had a wonderful time there in past years. In fact, last year he won the “Best Camper” award and we received excellent reports from the staff on visiting day.
Our dilemma is that he recently informed us that he wants to “hang out” at home for the last four weeks and not go to day camp – as he has for the past few years. He says that he is tired of being told when to wake up, when to be at meals, and when to go to sleep. He just keeps saying that he wants to be “left alone.”
He is our oldest child, and childcare is not a problem. But we are worried. Is this a normal thing for him to want? Is it good for him to be unstructured for so long?
Rabbi Horowitz Responds
This past summer, I accepted an invitation to serve as a scholar-in-residence at a kosher summer vacation program in Canada. During my stay there, it was quite remarkable to observe the strikingly diverse manners in which people spent their “down-time.”
Some of them embodied the “A-type” personality throughout the 10 days – waking up at 6 a.m., davening at the first minyan, eating a quick breakfast, and briskly walking through the hotel lobby to begin a 12-14 hour day of touring and sightseeing. One evening during dinner, as I listened to one of the A-types tell me about all the sites visited that day, I told my wife that I almost got dizzy just listening to the report.
Others had the polar opposite approach to their vacation. Their idea of leisure time is to disengage from the frantic pace of modern-day life and basically leave their watch in their hotel room safe. One could sum up the vacation profile of the “B-type” people with the Yiddish phrase, Kim ich nisht haint, kim ich morgen – which loosely translated means, I am in no rush to get anywhere or do anything. It was interesting to note that several of the B-type vacationers were the quintessential A-type people in their daily lives back home, and that there were men and women in both groups – often with the two spouses having opposite profiles.
Just imagine what torture it would be to plunk down one of the B-types in a car full of A-types for an endless day of running from place-to-place touring. I think the B-type person would think that he/she is being punished for his/her sins, and not enjoying a vacation.
I often quote the timeless and sage advice of Reb Shlomo Wolbe, zt”l, who said that children should be viewed as the miniature adults they are – each with their unique personality. What he was trying to root out with his remarks was the notion that children can be lumped into one grouping and treated all the same, and instead reinforce the critical reality that they are all individuals – just like adults. When we follow his approach, we embrace the following words of Shlomo HaMelech (King Solomon) in Mishlei (Proverbs): “Chanoch l’na’ar al pi darko – Educate the child according to his ways [and then he will not depart from it].”
Back to your son’s summer request, viewed through the lens of Reb Wolbe’s insight. This simply means that your son wants a B-type format for the second four weeks of summer. This may just be a manifestation of his personality – enjoying “down-time” in his own way. In fact I will make a bold prediction, and tell you that when your child grows up, he will probably carry that B-type vacation profile for the rest of his life.
(I think that this theme of viewing children as little adults – when implemented with wisdom and balance – is one of the most important concepts in effective parenting. And while I don’t like to harp on the negative, I would say that a one-size-fits-all approach is one of the most destructive mindsets that parents can have.)
Keeping all this in mind, I strongly suggest that you honor your son’s request. With the rigorous schedule that our teen children have nowadays, the last thing you want is for him to start a new school year burned out or feeling that he didn’t have a vacation.
I suggest that you consider making the following provisos:
1)Right now, before you give your blessing to his time off, clearly lay out your expectations for him during those weeks. For example, davening with minyan, learning with a chavrusah (study partner) or rebbe for a determined period of time, doing some chores around the house, etc. Make sure that you specify exactly what you want, so there is no confusion.
2)Inform him that since this is uncharted territory, you will consider the first of the four weeks to be a trial period, and that you will evaluate things after one week – with the understanding that should things not go well, you reserve the right to enroll him in day camp for the last three weeks. (Of course, you have the right to do that regardless of your preconditions. But it is always wiser to prepare your children for the consequences of their actions.)
Finally, enjoy your time with him. Kids grow up quickly, so trust me when I say that in a few short years, you will be very glad to get his undivided attention for just a few minutes – when he is a teenager!
Rabbi Yakov Horowitz is the founder and dean of Yeshiva Darchei Noam of Monsey, and the founder and director of Agudath Israel’s Project Y.E.S. He recently released his parenting book, Living and Parenting (ArtScroll). To obtain a copy, please visit www.rabbihorowitz.com, e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org, call 845-352-7100 x 133, or visit your local Judaica store.