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A Recipe for Failure

(Names and Situations changed)


 


Last week I wrote about how, through keeping a gratitude journal, we can program ourselves to experience more happiness in our lives. However, just as we can program ourselves to be happier, we can be programmed to be miserable and think less of ourselves. This can happen when someone we trust and respect tells us we cannot accomplish what we have set out to do. When our mentors or role models tell us that we do not have the intelligence or creativity to succeed, we begin to see ourselves as inferior. We begin to think less of ourselves, surround ourselves with a sense of failure and accomplish less because we feel incapable.  After all, people rise to the height of their own expectations.

 

            Sybil was working towards getting her degree and was succeeding. She had mastered the techniques needed for the highly interpersonal tasks required for a specific course. Being very much a people person, her innate ability to relate, empathize and be supportive of others along with her high motivation to succeed was a tremendous asset.  It was the text work that was giving Sybil difficulty. One day she discussed a particular problem she was having with her counselor. As Sybil explained her problem with the assignment, red flags were raised in the counselor’s mind. The way Sybil handled the assignment seemed to be consistent with how a learning disabled adult might attack the task. And so the counselor decided to ask Sybil if she’d consent to some testing. Wanting to succeed and hoping that whatever the test revealed might help her with her schoolwork, Sybil agreed. Unfortunately the results confirmed the counselors’ suspicions and it appeared that Sybil’s difficulties stemmed from some learning problems.  Instead of making suggestions on how Sybil could compensate and work around her disability, the counselor advised Sybil to quit the course, telling her that she really didn’t need this degree, would probably not succeed anyway, so why bother. Sybil was devastated. Her self-image plummeted. She quit the course and felt she was condemned to never being able to find success in any academic endeavor or even succeed at a job.

 

            Karen always knew she wanted to be a teacher. And so after high school she enrolled in college with that goal.  Though her grades were good, her counselor called her in and told her she really needed to rethink her career plans. Her test scores, related the counselor, made being a secretary a more realistic goal. Fortunately for Karen, she refused to listen and continued with her studies. Today Karen holds several doctorates and is a respected professional.

 

            When Albert was a student teacher, all the professionals he worked with were concerned with the way he related to young children. He used verbal put downs and insults as his means of controlling his class. And though the children hated him, few acted out, not wanting to be a victim of his whipping words. What was most surprising was that none of Albert’s supervisory staff ever discussed this verbal abuse in their evaluation of his work. They just passed him on with adequate recommendations. Today, years later, Albert is still moving from school to school never understanding why his one-year term appointments are never renewed.

 

            Being in the position of directing a person’s future is an ominous job. You can often determine that person’s future life prospects with your words. It is important to be honest and accurate but never underestimate the power of hard work and motivation. Letting a person know where their difficulties are does not have to be a death sentence. Being honest but giving ideas about how to get around the disabilities while letting the individual decide if they continue with a program is paramount. 

 

            Hearing a person tell you, you cannot succeed in your life’s choice is devastating. But you do not have to accept what is being said. More often than not success is in your own hands and a reflection of your attitude about yourself.

 

            Not giving a person the facts about their aptitudes or performance is as unfair as making career choices for them. We cannot grow if we do not have an accurate idea of our strengths and weaknesses and are given a chance to developed those strengths and change what is negative.

 

            But in the end it must be up to each individual to evaluate the difficulties and the assets they bring to a life choice. It is up to them to decide whether to continue or quit. Making the choice for them by telling them they will not succeed as they are or allowing them to think they will succeed when they need to revaluate can very well destroy their future.


 


You can contact me at annnovick@hotmail.com

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When one is blind one learns to use Braille to read. When one cannot walk, a wheelchair gives mobility. Sign language allows a mute person to speak and ocular implants assist in hearing when one is deaf. These are all compensatory strategies that help a person function despite his disability. But compensatory strategies are not just for physical problems. Understanding our psychological weaknesses and setting up our lives to ensure that we are not tempted to repeat our past mistakes, is as necessary as any aid to the disabled.

Well spouses have often discovered that their friends and relatives, despite their closeness to the situation, often don’t realize the tremendous emotional impact living with chronic illness has on the family. With the best intentions, suggestions, ideas and criticism are offered, based on the non-experience of those with healthy families. Even when the good intentioned get a taste of the difficulties, it is sometimes not enough for them to then identify and understand what the family of the chronically ill must face on a constant basis.

Over the past two weeks I have shared letters from a therapist and a well spouse. Both of the letters gave personal insights into the process of losing hope, how we react when that happens and some ways of coping when test scores, diagnosis and just simple repetitive behavior indicate that change for the better is impossible.

Dear Ann,

I’ve read your last few articles on psycho-neurological testing (Oct.8-22) with interest. As a therapist who has counseled couples dealing with chronic illness, I’d like to give you another perspective.

Dear Ann,

Your articles on the Neuro-Psychological Testing were right on (October 8-22). My husband underwent testing twice and your articles explained it things exactly the way they were. Besides the test, we also tried therapy.

Very often when we can’t face our big hurts or big loses we focus on the little ones. We can discuss those. We can cry over the small loses, be angry at the smaller hurts even though it may look trite and sound ridiculous to others.

Over the last two weeks we have been discussing one way in which well spouses can determine whether behavior displayed by their ill partners is caused by their illness or is a way they have chosen to act. We have focused on Psycho-Neurological testing, what it can tell us, as well as its pros and cons.

Last week I discussed a question that haunts many well spouses: not knowing if the difficult and often inappropriate behavior frequently displayed by their partners are caused by the disease and therefore not-controllable, or if the behavior is a choice the spouse makes and can therefore be changed. This doubt can be the source of much frustration and many marital disagreements. One way of alleviating this doubt is by having a psycho- neurological work up done. But that path is not so simple.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/magazine/a-recipe-for-failure/2009/09/23/

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