For One Day Only: $1=$4, Thanks to Matching from BIG Donors
Dear Readers: The following letter is representative of the views expressed by many concerned parents and grandparents who called, e-mailed and wrote to me regarding the shidduch crisis as it pertains to Torahdik young men who earn as opposed to learn (full time) – an issue that was brought up in an earlier column.
To Parents Involved In Shidduchim
If you do not like the system, then do not perpetuate it!If you feel that your son should be preparing for parnasa before he is married, then make sure that you only send your son to a high school and post-high school yeshiva that will allow and encourage him to attend college or a vocational program. Do research – speak to the administration and speak to other parents. If you put your son on a certain path – that will hopefully be the path he follows. There are many “frum” options available for frum young men today (college at night, all male colleges, vocational schools, etc.). If you wait till he is “older” to put your foot down on this issue, it will be too late. He will already be in a certain system that will not honor your viewpoints.
If you do not want your daughter to marry someone who has no concrete plans for parnasa after marriage, then do not send your daughter to a high school and seminary that encourages girls to marry boys who have no plans. By the time they have gone through the system, they will not want to listen to what you have to say because“they know better.”
If our generation can start producing more bnei Torah who will take concrete financial responsibility for their future families, then our daughters will hopefully begin to realize that there is nothing wrong with – and everything right with – marrying such boys. Parents will no longer feel the pressure to have to “buy” full-time learning husbands for their daughters and accede to their every demand. As a matter of fact, maybe the tide will turn and it will be the parents of the girl who will insist that the parents of the “full-time learner” provide support because their son is not bringing in any income to the family unit while their daughter is working so that her husband can learn full time.
Do not be ashamed that your son will be able to provide for his family so that your daughter-in-law may have the option to stay home for some time and raise her babies. Do not be ashamed that your daughter will marry a boy who will provide for her and the family. This is the Torah way as is evident from the kesuva and from many statements in the Torah. Ask a knowledgeable rabbi and he will provide many sources for you.
To Administrators, Principals, Rebbeim And Moros
With all due respect, please stop driving a wedge between your students and their parents. Shalom bayis and kibud av v’eim are being compromised – sometimes in very major ways.
The ultimate personal and financial responsibility of a married couple will not fall on your shoulders, but rather on the parents on both sides. Unless you are willing to take full legal financial responsibility for your married students forever, it does not seem right for you to encourage your students to live a lifestyle that may prove to be very burdensome to them (and their parents and in-laws) in the future.
Ask a knowledgeable rabbi if there is something wrong with a husband/father working to support his family, while still being “kovei itim” – or a mother having the golden opportunity to raise her babies herself if it is financially feasible.
Speak to your friends who have been married for more than a few years to get a better sense of reality (both financially speaking and what life is really like when you have to juggle children, work and household responsibilities).
And most importantly, listen carefully to the thoughts and advice of your parents who not only speak from personal experience – but who know you and love you more than anyone else.
Do not be afraid of what others will say, as long as you know you are following a Torah way of life.
About the Author:
If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.
Comments are closed.
Anna Henriques, who hopes to one day head back to Jamaica, says, “Rabbi Raskin must be willing to respect what exists in Jamaica. The way to the future is to gently bring in the traditions of the past and at the same time embrace the idiosyncrasies of the Jamaican people.”
The Silver Platter has it all: gorgeous photography, oodles of useful tips and, more importantly, incredible recipes that you will find yourself making again and again.
We tend to justify and idealize this division with pride attributing these tendencies as demonstrating a higher level of kedushah.
Everyone in the kehilla can get involved, she added, and mothers can network with each other.
On her first ever trip to Israel last week, popular radio talk-show personality and clinical psychologist Dr. Joy Browne, whose spirited broadcasts regularly attract millions of listeners across North America, paid a visit to OneFamily headquarters in Jerusalem in order to learn more about the physical and emotional challenges faced by victims of terror in […]
With the famous Touro Synagogue, a variety of mansions, each with its own distinct personality, as well as the beautiful coast, Rhode Island makes for an excellent vacation spot.
To avoid all this waste and unnecessary anxiety, let’s break the task down step by step and tackle each one at a time.
While there are those who insist they need full-color photos to be truly entranced by a recipe, I suggest you get over that particular requirement because the written word here will draw you in and cause you to salivate as you peruse the recipes scattered throughout The Well-Spiced Life (Israel Book Shop).
For those who couldn’t go off base, a personal parcel was priceless in its ability to convey a feeling of home.
With the danger of being discovered always a possibility, the partisans not only moved around in the forest, but also eliminated any collaborators.
There are fathers who bravely step up to the plate and fill in the maternal vacuum with their love and devotion.
Divorce from a vindictive, cruel spouse can be a lifelong nightmare when there are offspring.
Not knowing any better, I assumed that Molly and her mother must be voracious readers.
Unpleasant happenings are quickly discarded if they do not affect us directly.
I have always insisted that everything that happens to anyone or anything is min Shamayim.
It is so hurtful to heighten people’s sense of inadequacy and guilt in a matzav that is already horrendous and difficult to bear.
Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/magazine/learning-the-hard-way-conclusion/2006/06/07/
Scan this QR code to visit this page online: