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Dear Dr. Yael,

I am writing to you in response to the letter from the widow who was left by a gentleman for a woman who was wealthier and willing to support him.

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In reading the letter, I came to some conclusions of my own I would like to share:

I’m pretty sure he dated someone else before the writer. His wife only died a few months before he and the letter-writer started dating, so the previous woman had to be there almost instantaneously after the wife died.

One week after breaking up with the writer he is dating another wealthy woman?! Where does he find another wealthy woman one week later? I think he had to know her while they were dating. I would be very curious where he met her and the letter-writer.

He said his children don’t want this union because he will be taking on the financial burden of daily living. Did he tell her that as an excuse to get rid of her, or did she meet the children and hear it from them?

I wonder if: 1. The man is indeed a widower. 2. He preys on wealthy widows. 3. Can she possibly do a “background” check on him? Speak to his rav? It might make her feel better.

I believe she dodged a bullet. And if he should try to come back, she should not take him. This has scam written all over it. Though she doesn’t say, I am curious if she paid for their dates.

I am not trying to make this woman feel bad. Actually I’m hoping she reads this and feels better – this is not a man worth her time or mourning. He seems like a scam artist and she should be glad to be rid of him.

A Reader

 

Dear Reader,

Thank you for your intuitive response to this letter. I think that your interpretation is possible, but it is also equally possible that this man was manipulated by his children and is not a bad person. We have no way of knowing, as we do not know what is really going on here. I think it would be a good idea for this woman to look into this man’s background if he comes back into her life – and to look into any other men’s backgrounds that she decides to date, as it is important to make sure that she does not fall into a bad situation. I do not think it’s wise or necessary to focus on this man any longer as he is out of the picture and no good can come out of re-opening this wound. This was obviously a very painful situation for this woman and she’s working on moving forward and healing herself.

I think that most situations can be seen through various lenses. Yes, maybe this man was a scam artist, but maybe he was just lonely. Maybe he was looking to remarry to fill a void, but his children are pushing him into marrying a wealthy woman. I think either scenario is possible; I have heard of both these situations.

I appreciate you highlighting another side to this situation and giving our readers some food for thought. It is always wise to check into a person you are looking to marry, no matter what age you are. Baruch Hashem, today getting information about someone is easier than ever and we must use this to our advantage.

People are not always what they seem, thus I agree we have to be cautious. On the other hand, we have to make the best of situations we are given and not always think the worst of people.

If the original writer reads this and has a response, we’d love to hear it. Hatzlocha!

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Dr. Yael Respler is a psychotherapist in private practice who provides marital, dating and family counseling. Dr. Respler also deals with problems relating to marital intimacy. Letters may be emailed to deardryael@aol.com. To schedule an appointment, please call 917-751-4887. Dr. Orit Respler-Herman, a child psychologist, co-authors this column and is now in private practice providing complete pychological evaluations as well as child and adolescent therapy. She can be reached at 917-679-1612. Previous columns can be viewed at www.jewishpress.com and archives of Dr. Respler’s radio shows can be found at www.dryaelrespler.com.