Photo Credit: Jewish Press

Dear Dating Coach,

I am a guy in my mid-twenties and I’m having fun! I go to work by day, hang out with friends at night, and I’m not sure I need to settle down just yet. We are told everyday that there are more single girls than guys and frankly, I can get a date whenever I want. I feel like when I’m ready to get married, it will not be difficult to find someone great as there seems to be choices and choices of amazing single girls waiting for dates. My married older sister keeps telling me that I am making a mistake, but isn’t it better to have “my fun” now before life gets “real?”

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Party Time

 

Dear Party,

Here in Florida, our state slogan should be “Why do today, when you can do mañana.” Mañana means tomorrow in Spanish and seems to be code for “eventually.” Mañana means that your construction project has been extended, your delivery will arrive when it is good and ready, and your phone call will be returned in the order it was received (last). Mañana is a way of life that encourages soaking up rays, long beach days, and long afternoons in the park. Mañana doesn’t appreciate stress and is surprised when others don’t honor its commitment to taking things easy. Mañana sure is fun, but often gets fined for being late, fired for delays, and dismissed after failing to deliver. But don’t be concerned if that happens, you can always worry about it mañana.

 

If I Only Had…

Thank you for reaching out. It’s nice to hear that you have a stable job, good friends, and the ability to enjoy yourself. You wonder why you should settle down when life is so “much fun” now. You believe that when you feel more prepared for a long-term commitment, you can simply pick through a smorgasbord of eligible bachelorettes patiently waiting for their prince charming. You understand that marriage entails a level of commitment that encourages you to consider someone else’s needs. Why rush toward that level of responsibility when you believe that a lovely girl will be available at a moment’s notice?

 

A Little Humility…

I don’t know if there are in fact more single girls than boys. Perhaps girls are conditioned to get married early and to create a family and a home so they present themselves with more enthusiasm and care. Regardless, of their availability, or your ability to be matched quickly with someone lovely, there is no guarantee that you will want to marry the first girl you date once you are ready for marriage. There is no guarantee that they will be interested in marrying you, and there is no guarantee that you will date for only a few months or for many years.

 

I Would Be Perfect.

Your unwillingness to commit now is troublesome – a red flag for someone self-absorbed, overconfident, and has an inability to see the long term affects of your choices. But even more worrying is your complete and total arrogance as you approach shidduchim. Your belief that everything will simply fall into place and align because you are “male” is short-sighted and smacks of conceit. There are many guys who have been dating for years, struggling to meet the right person because dating is hard for so many. If there is any advantage to being an eligible guy in shidduchim you negate it with your inability to see past your own ego. There is always someone better, smarter, nicer, richer…Be humble and make the decision to look for mazel in your life. Mañana is not a good look in dating, and arrogance will lead you there every time.

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Henni Halberstam is a Dating and Marriage Coach whose expert advice will help you navigate dating and relationships in order to ensure a successful marriage. You can contact her at hennihalberstam@gmail.com to schedule a phone session.