web analytics
September 1, 2015 / 17 Elul, 5775
At a Glance
Judaism
Sponsored Post


Shidduch Challenges


Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis

Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis

I believe in my last column we established that when it comes to shidduchim we cannot rely on our own “seichel” – for while singles may believe they made the right choice, they might just discover the opposite to be correct. Most people go under the chuppah with high hopes and expectations, convinced they will live “happily ever after,” but the balloon can very quickly burst.

It’s easy enough to get married, but it’s something else again to build a bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael where shalom bayis prevails. How, then, can singles avoid making a disastrous decision?

When my own children were in the shidduch parshah, searching for their soul mates, my saintly father, HaRav HaGaon Avraham HaLevi Jungreis, zt”l, advised me to be careful never to beseech Hashem for a specific shidduch, no matter how attractive the person seemed.

“No one knows,” my father would say, “who is the ‘right’ one or the ‘wrong’ one. That is strictly in the hands of Hashem.” So whenever my children dated, my father’s berachah was “G-tt zol feeren auf gittens – May G-d guide you to the one who is good.”

Thus, the first requirement in finding “that right one” is heartfelt prayer, especially Minchah – the afternoon service – for it was after davening Minchah that our father Yitzchak met our mother Rivkah.

Over the years, Baruch Hashem, I have made countless shidduchim for people from every walk of life, and I always I kept my father’s words in mind. In our society however, when it comes to making a shidduch, people rely on two big words: “chemistry” and “electricity.” We choose to forget that, even in New York, the world’s most powerful city, a power failure can occur.

As for chemistry, there may come a time when that formula loses its magic and the marriage disintegrates. Painfully, our society idealizes a vacuous, meaningless lifestyle that is of no substance. To illustrate this, I’ll share with you an incident that occurred some years ago at my Hineni Torah class. I have related the story a number of times, but it is as pertinent today as it was yesterday and bears repeating, for the priorities the story illustrates are the foundations for a good marriage and should never be compromised.

A young woman approached me following my class. She was truly beautiful and many in our group recognized her since she was a television personality. “I am Jewish”, she announced as she approached me. “Over the years, I have been in many relationships, but now I’m ready for marriage and children. I understand you know many quality people, so I thought I would consult you.”

When I challenged her to explain exactly what she meant by “quality,” she enumerated five “musts”on which she was not willing to compromise. 1. Good looking – “Looks are important,” she explained. “There has to be a certain chemistry.”

2. Bright – “Someone who is well educated but also has ‘street smarts.’ ”

3. Wealthy – “He has to support me in the lifestyle to which I have become accustomed. At this stage of my life I can’t go backward.”

4. A great personality and good sense of humor – “I have no patience for moody people. I like a man who is fun and with whom I can have a good laugh.

5. Someone who is athletic – “I love tennis.”

“Good luck to you,” I said. “That would take five different guys all wrapped into one. But more importantly, your ‘big fives’ are a bunch of zeros and do not add up to anything.”

“Why?” she asked.

“Simple – zeros don’t add up to anything unless there is a digit in front of them.”

She looked at me quizzically, so I repeated, “Five zeros without a digit in front of them are what we call in Yiddish ‘Gurnisht mit gurnisht’ – G. M.G., nothing with nothing.”

“I don’t think I’m obtuse, but I still don’t get it. What digit are you referring to, Rebbetzin?”

A Torah digit – the first letter of the Torah is ‘B’ – beit – and the last letter of the Torah is ‘L’ – lamed. Those two letters spell ‘lev’ – heart. If he doesn’t have a good heart, then his good looks will become repulsive overnight, his sharp mind and wit will be used to denigrate you, his wealth will control and manipulate you, and his ‘great personality’ will eclipse and suffocate yours. As for tennis, you can always get him a trainer. But how can you train him to acquire a good heart?”

“I never quite thought about it that way,” she admitted. “So how does one acquire a good heart?”

“Finding a good-hearted person is no simple matter. As much as we would like to believe that basically we are all good people with a few ‘shticks’ here and there, the truth is that we are not so good and we have to learn goodness. As it says in Bereishis, ‘The heart of man is wicked from his youth.’

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Shidduch Challenges”

Comments are closed.

Current Top Story
Rocket Crossing
ISIS-Linked Gaza Terror Rocket Fails to Reach Southern Israel
Latest Judaism Stories
Torat-Hakehillah-logo-NEW

The common translation of the opening words of this week’s parsha, Ki Seitzei, is: “When you go out to war against your enemy.” Actually the text reads “al oyvecha” upon your enemy. The Torah is saying that when Israel goes out to war, they will be over and above their enemy. The reason why Bnei […]

Rabbi Avi Weiss

The love between Gd & Israel is deeper than marriage; beyond the infinite love of parent for child

Q-A-Klass-logo

Question: When a stranger approaches a congregant in shul asking for tzedakah, should the congregant verify that the person’s need is genuine? Furthermore, what constitutes tzedakah? Is a donation to a synagogue, yeshiva, or hospital considered tzedakah?

Zvi Kirschner
(Via E-Mail)

Taste-of-Lomdus-logo

Since giving the machatzis hashekel will not change his financial situation, he is obligated to do so even though it is more than a fifth of his income.

Today, few people fast during the Days of Selichot, but the custom is to rise early to recite Selichot.

Each month is associated with a particular tribe. The month of Elul is matched up with Gad. What makes Gad unique?

Sanctions and indictment of the Jew, holding him to a higher standard, is as common and misplaced as ever.

To allow for free will, there are times when Hashem will allow a person the “opportunity to be the messenger.”

“There is a mitzvah to pay the worker on that day,” answered Mr. Lerner.

Be happy. Be grateful. God knows what he is doing. It is all happening for a reason.

We get so busy living our lives, handling our day-to-day little crises that we forget to go that one step deeper and appreciate our lives.

The promise for long life only comes from 2 commandments; What’s the connection between them?

Mighty Amalek deliberately attacked enemy’s weakest members, despicable even by ancient standards

If we parents fail to honor responsibilities then society’s children will pay the price for our sins

Consider how our Heavenly Father feels when He sees His children adopting all other parents but Him

More Articles from Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis
Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis

Money comes and goes but its love, commitment, warmth, and kindness that make a family a family.

Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis

To my dismay, I’ve seen that shidduch candidates with money become ALL desirable traits for marriage

Zaidie’s legacy of smiles and loving words was all but buried with him, now the family fights over $

Jewish survival in a dysfunctional world requires women assuming the role Hashem gave them at Sinai

In every generation is the challenge to purge the culture of our exile from our minds and our hearts

His mother called “Yoni, Yoni!” Her eyes, a moment earlier dark with pain, shone with joy and hope

Pesach bonds families and generations: “So that you may relate it to your son and your son’s son.

Amalek’s hate never dies; its descendants are eternal & omnipresent; Hashem is our only protection

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/judaism/rebbetzins-viewpointrebbetzin-jungreis/shidduch-challenges/2012/01/19/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: