web analytics
November 28, 2014 / 6 Kislev, 5775
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
IDC Herzliya Campus A Day on Campus

To mark IDC Herzliya’s 20th anniversary, we spent a day following Prof. Uriel Reichman, IDC’s founder and president, and Jonathan Davis, VP for External Relations, around its delightful campus.



Marital Connection Plan (Second Of Two Parts)


Neuman-Rabbi-M-Gary

Dear Mordechai,

Our marriage has gotten stale. It’s not that we don’t love each other but with the kids and everything else there seems to never be any time for my husband and me. I’m sure we’re not the only ones but we need some real help. What can we do and how can we go about making time for our marriage. Everyone says just make time but that never seems to work.

Answer (Continued From Last Week)

Connection Plan #3: Have a Weekly Date Night. One night a week, no matter what, you and your spouse should go out alone to enjoy each other’s company. You can do anything, go anywhere and talk about anything, except three things: money, children and work (unless it’s exciting stuff – I got a promotion, our child has been selected as valedictorian, let’s plan our trip to Europe). Many couples laugh and tell me there’s nothing else to talk about. I reassure them that they’ll find something – they didn’t fall in love because of scintillating stressful conversations about kids and money. You fell in love discussing what was interesting to you. On your date nights, it’s time to return to that place in yourself where you are interested and interesting. It is on this night, the same night each week, that no one plans anything else without first clearing it with the other.

If you have young kids, make a standing arrangement with a babysitter or family member for that night of the week, or swap babysitting with a friend, if necessary. And if you must miss date night because you have to attend an event on the assigned evening, you must make it up on another evening that same week. The date must last a minimum of two hours. If a date day works better for you, go for it. If you have a newborn and are uncomfortable using a babysitter, take the infant with you, if you must, but get out of the house. Avoid meeting any other couple for at least the first two hours of your date. The date night is about one thing: enjoying each other’s company. It’s about kindness and tenderness. Talk to your spouse about the things he or she loves to talk about. Be quiet and listen. Enjoy your spouse’s voice, perspective and life energy. Tell a joke. Laugh at yourself. Hold your mate’s face in your hands and smile. With every giggle comes a deeper love and bond.

Take turns planning the date night, or create a “grab bag” of ideas for dating fun: Each of you writes on slips of paper, to put into a “grab bag”, three dates you would like to have. Pick one slip of paper out of the bag three or four days before the date and start planning it together. One couple’s grab bag ideas included painting, reading comic-strip books together and bicycling – three things they had never done since getting married, 17 years earlier. This way you avoid that stale moment in the car when both of you look at each other dumbfounded and say, “Whaddya wanna do?” I dunno. Whadda you wanna do?” which is another way of saying, “I’m not taking this date thing too seriously.”

Get yourself a little charged-up about spending alone time with your lover and soulmate. Make some nights a surprise, and don’t tell your spouse what you’ve planned until you’re already on your way out together. Every time out doesn’t have to be dazzling, just thoughtful enough to say, “I put some effort into this and wanted to find something different to do. Let’s find some new fun together.”

Your date night doesn’t have to be an extravaganza. Sometimes my clients tell me, “I live in a town that closes at 10 p.m.” But walking is a wonderful way to connect or having a drink at a hotel somewhere with music in the background – it lessens the intensity of a dinner out, where couples have to face each other and come up with fascinating material. It’s best to have somewhere to go, something to look at and to chat along the way. If it’s cold, walk in a mall and have fun people watching and window-shopping. Cooking is a creative and sensual experience, research recipes and purchase the ingredients together. Many megabook stores are perfect places for exploring. Have a cup of coffee, play some Scrabble and scan books together. Even a small bookstore offers a wide variety of reading. Sit on the floor between the aisles and share interesting points on many topics. Read each other some jokes, as well as some tips on making your marriage special. Spirit comes from inside: focus on fun and you’ll find the perfect play activities to enjoy together, with laughter.

About the Author: Check out Gary’s web program where he interviews couples who share their struggles and innermost thoughts and feelings at mgaryneuman.com. Facebook or Twitter Gary at mgaryneuman. M. Gary Neuman is a NY Times best selling author and a frequent guest on the Oprah show. He lives in Miami with his wife and five children.


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Marital Connection Plan (Second Of Two Parts)”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
A would-be preacher delivers his message of hate from the Muslim"holy site" on the Temple Mount.
Al Aqsa Mosque ‘Stand-Up’ Preacher Calls for Annihilation of the United States
Latest Sections Stories
Collecting-History-logo

Not as well known, however, is Keller’s involvement with Jewish and Israeli communities.

Rabbi Maurice Lamm

Creativity without clarity is not sufficient for writing. I am eternally thankful to Hashem for his gift to me.

This core idea of memory is very difficult to fully comprehend; however, it is essential.

Sometimes the most powerful countermove one can make when a person is screaming is to calmly say that her behavior is not helpful and then continue interacting with the rest of the family while ignoring the enraged person.

“Two nations are in your womb, and two peoples shall divide within you.”

Divorce from a vindictive, cruel spouse can be a lifelong nightmare when there are offspring.

There were many French Jews who jumped at the chance to shed their ancient identity and assimilate.

As Rabbi Shemtov stood on the stage and looked out at the attendees, he told them that “Rather than take photos with your cellphones, take a mental photo and keep this Shabbat in your mind and take it with you throughout your life.”

Yeshiva v’Kollel Bais Moshe Chaim will be holding a grand celebration on the occasion of the institution’s 40th anniversary on Sunday evening, December 7. Alumni, students, friends and faculty of the yeshiva, also known as Talmudic University of Florida, will celebrate the achievement and vision of its founders and the spiritual guidance of its educational […]

The yeshiva night accommodates all levels of Jewish education.

Recently, Fort Lauderdale has been the focus of international news, and it has not been about the wonderful weather.

Rabbi Sacks held the position of chief rabbi of the United Hebrew Congregations of the Commonwealth for 22 years until September 2013.

More Articles from Rabbi M. Gary Neuman
Neuman-Rabbi-M-Gary

Sacrifice is the backbone of our souls. It indicates self-regulation for a higher purpose.

Neuman-Rabbi-M-Gary

Spoiler Alert: Going to see the movie “Saving Mr. Banks”, starring Tom Hanks is not like going to Disney World. Well, it is like going to Disney World if you go mid-August with your triplet toddlers, feed them all cotton candy, and lose your car because you forgot you parked in Pluto 7.394. It’s not a happy Disney movie.

Stacy and George walked out of the marriage counselor’s office angrier than when they arrived. It was their third session and this last fight over his ex-wife wasn’t going away. The fifty minutes spent embroiled in a detailed account of their battle only fired up their anger – and the counselor’s request to remember how much they love each other wasn’t helping. It would be a week before the next session and both of them were already talking about not coming back.

The therapeutic alliance has always been about a firm connection between patient and counselor. There has always been one primary standard – physically meeting in an office setting. There might be some phone calls in between sessions or to bridge some vacation gap. But therapy has always been about a feeling of connectivity and there is no better way to do this than face-to-face.

Cindy is 43, successful, attractive, a dedicated mom, extremely caring… and she hates herself. She doesn’t readily admit this, but spend a minute inside her head and you’ll discover the resounding messages revolving around negative rants – everything from “I failed” to “I should’ve done better.” You wouldn’t know it from her behavior. She’s a high functioning, regular member of society.

As adults who were children of divorce know, healing does not occur through time alone. In fact, my research found that only 46% said they had a positive relationship with their fathers as adults.

Stacy and Michael walked out of the marriage counselor’s office angrier than when they arrived. It was their third session and this last fight over his ex wife wasn’t going away. The fifty minutes embroiled in a detailed outline of the battle only fired up their anger and the counselor’s request to remember how much they love each other wasn’t helping. It would be a week before the next session and both of them were already talking about not returning for therapy.

From the moment they stand under the chuppah, newlyweds have two years to enjoy the special bliss that new love brings. This new finding, reported by the New York Times, is based on a study undertaken by American and European researchers. 1,761 people who got married and stayed married over 15 years were followed. The research shows that after two years the couples moved into a more companionable state in their relationships.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/marital-connection-plan-second-of-two-parts/2006/03/01/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: