web analytics
May 22, 2013 /13 Sivan, 5773
At a Glance ▼
Sections
Sponsored Post
The Tosfos Yomtov was convinced that the death of 300,000 –600,000 Jews during the Chmielnicki massacres of 1648-49 were because of improper Tefila. Communicated: Tefilla

Chillul Tefila Bifarhesia, as well as halachicly challenged verbiage and dress, are external manifestations of a critical lack of personal yiras shomayim which has lethal consequences.



Marital Roles (Third Of Five Parts)


Latest update: June 3rd, 2012
tell a friend
Neuman-Rabbi-M-Gary

With these lists, you can also begin to see the items that are of such great importance to the marriage that both of you want to be involved in every decision in these areas. For example, my wife and I discuss all in­vestments before either of us spends our money. That may change in time, but for now, it works, and we en­joy the discussions. Both of you may want to be in­volved in paying the bills, or doing homework with your children.

Be realistic in your choices. If one of you is home when the kids are doing homework and one is still at work, it would compromise the system for the parent who is home to be unable to make quick decisions about daily homework or to have to wait for the work­ing partner to get home, at which point the kids are too tired to do homework. Make sure you’ve chosen areas that befit not only your ability, but the reality of your time and energy, as well. Just because one of you may be more qualified in a given task doesn’t mean that person must take control over it. For example, you may be an actuary, but if you’re doing most of the parenting for twin newborns, you’re probably better off allocating the responsibility for your ten-year-old’s math project to your spouse. Similarly, if it stresses you out to deal with a particular task, you can opt not to be responsible for it, or at least to create a system in which your spouse helps enough to relieve the stress.

However, if everything else is equal (you both get just as stressed over the bills), you should take responsibil­ity for the areas you feel more confident in. To throw responsibility onto your spouse when you are more gifted at caring for that item is diminishing your marriage’s chances for success, just as you’d be hurting your busi­ness if you handed off important tasks to someone else who had less capability in that area. For the most unde­sirable chores (e.g. cleaning the bathrooms), you might allocate according to who finds it less objectionable; de­cide to take turns (which means you must agree on the length of the tour of duty); or find a third party willing to do the task (e.g. a cleaning person), which means you have to agree on the budget.

There may be some areas neither of you has volun­teered to take care of. Perhaps you both love your dog, but not cleaning up after it or going to the vet. Start choosing which tasks you will do even though you don’t particularly care to, bearing in mind that these types of “sacrifices” are necessary to bring about the benefits we desire from marriage.

Use this document for one week at a time before re­convening and discussing clearly what has worked and what has not. For example, you might not have recog­nized how much effort it was going to take to plan the vacation and now realize you need to share the task. Adjust as you go at the end of each week. Within three or four weeks, you will have developed a streamlined, consistent approach to working well together. However, many responsibilities will not crop up for months (car­ing for children during summer break, preparing for a vacation trip). Both of you need to revisit your roles every few months and continue to discuss what works and what needs adjustment.

RABBI NEUMAN is a Florida licensed psychotherapist and author of two books, Helping Your Kids Cope With Divorce the Sandcastles Way (Random House) and Emotional Infidelity, How to Affair-proof Your Marriage and Other Secrets to a Great Relationship (Crown). He and his work have been featured many times on The Oprah Show, Today, The View and in People, Time and elsewhere. He lives with his wife and five children in Miami Beach, Florida. For more information on his work, visit www.mgaryneuman.com or e-mail changingfamilies@mgaryneuman.com.

tell a friend

About the Author: Check out Gary’s web program where he interviews couples who share their struggles and innermost thoughts and feelings at mgaryneuman.com. Facebook or Twitter Gary at mgaryneuman. M. Gary Neuman is a NY Times best selling author and a frequent guest on the Oprah show. He lives in Miami with his wife and five children.


You might also be interested in:


no comments

You must log in to post a comment.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Rep Weiner's Anti-GOP Rant
Why Weiner’s Entry Is Bad News for Both Bills
Latest Sections Stories
South-Florida-logo
Sections → Community → South Florida

Florida is famous for sparkling water. We have the beautiful Atlantic Ocean and Gulf of Mexico surrounding our coast. We have bays, lakes, canals and, of course, an incredible abundance of swimming pools in homes, resorts, apartment complexes and city parks.

South-Florida-logo
Sections → Community → South Florida

The buzz is back as Camp Gan Israel Florida Overnight gears up for another fantastic summer, CGI Florida style. What makes CGI Florida so different from all the other overnight camps? It’s all in the details.

Teens-051713
Sections → Magazine → Teens and Twenties

Leah Katz, a TeenZone camper at Oorah’s TheZone summer camp and an 11th grader at Midwood High School, read her winning essay about how TheZone changed her views on Judaism at the Jewish Heritage Awards Ceremony held at Brooklyn District Attorney Charles Hynes’s office in April. The purpose of the Jewish Heritage Essay Contest is to acquaint public school students with Jewish history and customs and to help foster a deeper understanding of Jewish culture. The contest is open to students of all ethnic and religious backgrounds. Leah’s essay is reproduced in full below.

Sections → Jewess Press → Impact Of Women On Jewish History/Prof. L. Jackson

Moshe Sharett, the head of the Jewish Agency’s Political Department, visited Egypt in 1945. In Cairo he met a most remarkable young woman, a beautiful journalist who was the darling of Egyptian high society – from high-ranking military brass, to culture icons and Muslim sheikhs, to the court of King Faruk.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

The two proceeded to talk about everyday things and surprisingly her mother-in-law did not find anything else to criticize. This occurred a few more times, with my client changing the topic every time by complimenting her mother-in-law or mentioning something positive about her.

Sections → Family → Parenting Our Children

There is always a lot of confusion surrounding sensory processing disorder – mainly because there are many different diagnoses that fall under the catch-all phrase sensory processing disorder (SPD). Among them are three specific subcategories:

Sections → Family

The doctor had warned us that even if we did everything right and followed the protocol after the follicle was of the right size, there was no guarantee of success. Fertilization still had to occur, and just like couples do not necessarily become pregnant every month, we had no way to know if we were actually expecting for two full weeks.

Sections → Community → West Coast Happenings

Jewish Press columnist Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis, founder and president of Hineni, the international Torah outreach organization, recently addressed an overflowing audience at the Beth Jacob Congregation of Irvine in southern California. Rebbetzin Jungreis’s address theme, “Making a Good Relationship Magical,” was apropos for the evening’s main mission: raising funds for the Irvine community’s mikveh.

Sections → Magazine → Teens and Twenties

You have probably been planning your marriage since you were about three. Let’s fast-forward to a big milestone– your twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. (Don’t worry, you don’t look a day over twenty one!) Now, would you appreciate your husband buying you a dozen roses that some florist recommended?

Sections → Jewess Press → Daily Living

As I mentioned in my earlier articles about our family trip to Israel, our night flight went pretty smooth, thanks to my children’s willingness to sleep throughout the flight. I, on the other hand, didn’t sleep a wink and I wasn’t feeling too great by the time we landed. But we were finally in Israel, and just being in the beautifully renovated Ben Gurion airport and hearing all the Hebrew around us was exciting enough.

More Articles from Rabbi M. Gary Neuman
Neuman-Rabbi-M-Gary
Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

There are millions of adults today who experienced the trauma of their parents’ divorce 20, 30, 40 or more years ago. Some have found closure, but many more have not. Regrettably, it is a time in a child’s life that is never forgotten. It stays with you; it is part of who you are.

Neuman-Rabbi-M-Gary
Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

My father-in-law spent over thirty-five years as a circuit court judge. He noticed that some clients paid teams of lawyers only to be poorly represented. He noted in these cases that, “the lawyers are so busy arguing with each other that nobody’s arguing the case.” There was an absence of cohesiveness and the ego driven fighting rendered the team ineffective.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Cheating on a spouse is a terrible betrayal. Yes, sadly, it is quite common, but that doesn’t erase the devastation and pain it causes. The discovery of cheating almost always comes on the heels of extreme lying. The big question always is, how can the one cheated on ever trust again? It is logical and practical to think that once a spouse has cheated, there is no reason to assume it would not occur time and again.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Not long ago, he was jumping on Oprah’s couch like a lovesick teen, and now Tom Cruise faces a bitter divorce with Katie Holmes. Why is it that when a couple seems to have everything: fame, fortune, health, and an adorable child, it doesn’t work? It’s enough to make everyone else hopeless. After all, if celebrities have everything and can’t make it, what are the chances for the rest of us?

Judaism → Holidays

Dear Gary,
As Pesach approaches, I get worried because I want to have a great Yom Tov, and yet, every year, the seder ends in some sort of fighting and arguing. My husband wants the seder to be all about divrei Torah and so do I, but between the younger children (who we want to be awake for the whole seder) and guests, we somehow end up in stern looks and squabbles. I’m happy we have guests or else we’d probably start yelling at each other and even Eliyahu Hanavi would bail. I know everyone jokes about how tough Pesach is, but I can’t see the humor anymore – and neither can my children. What can we do to manage a calm (I don’t even wish for happy) seder?

A Sad Mom

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Q. I’ve had some problems getting over the anger I’ve carried throughout my life towards my father. He left my mother for another woman and my mother never really recovered. Even now, 20 years later, I still have difficulty dealing with him because of that. He hasn’t ever apologized, blaming my mother for sharing the information with me, and expects me to forgive and forget. Every Yom Kippur becomes a painful experience – feeling immense pressure to forgive and the guilt of my not wanting to. I feel I must forgive him but don’t know how.

An angry daughter

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Question: My husband is always telling me the wonderful things he’s done to make me happy. If he makes the bed, makes calls on my behalf, works hard in the office, I hear about it. The other day he had to take care of a health insurance issue and he made sure to tell me that it took over two hours and three phone calls, in case I thought it went smoothly. I don’t constantly tally up what I do for him and I find it childish that he does. My friends tell me that their husbands don’t do this – so, why does mine?

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Question: My husband and I both travel a great deal, independent of each other. My husband owns a start up company and I am very supportive of his need to travel constantly during the next couple of years. In the meantime, I am the primary wage earner and occasionally have to travel myself. Our youngest child is in college so we aren’t tethered to home. A long time ago, about 15 years, my husband was unfaithful. Obviously we worked through it and determinedly rebuilt our marriage. While he has not given me any reason to doubt him, lately it seems as if we hardly talk. We spend so much time apart and when we are together, we are both so exhausted. I have not brought up this issue with him as I am not sure what to say. Can you help?

    Latest Poll

    Which is the most beautiful location in Jerusalem?









    View Results

    Loading ... Loading ...

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/marital-roles-third-of-five-parts/2006/04/19/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online:

Related posts:

  1. Staten Island
Close