web analytics
November 27, 2014 / 5 Kislev, 5775
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
IDC Herzliya Campus A Day on Campus

To mark IDC Herzliya’s 20th anniversary, we spent a day following Prof. Uriel Reichman, IDC’s founder and president, and Jonathan Davis, VP for External Relations, around its delightful campus.



Paper Cuts


Herskowitz-Moishe

Q: Dear Moishe : Why do some couples need marital counseling and others do not ?

A: I have been asked this question many times in many e-mails. The answer has a Part A and Part B sequence, so let me begin with an introduction taken from the T.E.A.M. (Torah Education and Awareness for a better Marriage) curriculum.

As well-intentioned and loving as our parents are, the fact remains that nobody is perfect. Just as we all make mistakes, so do they. But for some children, these mistakes are like paper cuts. At first you don’t feel them, but later you feel the pain.

In childhood, the usual treatment for a wound is a bandage. The deeper the wound, the more bandages you put on. For some couples, these childhood wounds were never healed, and they remain hidden under lots and lots of bandages.

In marriage Hashem provides each and every one of us with a partner to remove those bandages, so that that these paper cuts can finally heal. For each of us, there exists a particular recipe for healing, and the ingredients can only be the couple themselves. Now, here is where it gets interesting! When you meet someone and start to fall in love, those bandages that you kept on for so long start to fall off, and those wounds that were so well hidden will start to open up. The pain that was so long forgotten will start to surface. Even though this is a good thing, because you found someone to love and share your feelings with, that person may not perceive it this way. Now that these wounds have been exposed, they are no longer safe and protected behind all those bandages. Those bandages of protection that served a purpose in childhood are now shutting out your partner in adulthood. In most cases your partner may not be ready to give them up, and in fact may fight to put them back on!

At this point, we have two choices: Part A – Couples Committed in a Relationship, and Part B – Couples in Need of Commitment in a Relationship.

A. Trust your partner enough to allow him/her to get closer to you. By doing so, you can heal each other and provide the specific needs that can only be met by the partner Hashem has chosen for you. You make a commitment in this marriage to give unconditional love.

B. Distance yourself so that those bandages will never come off. Some of the best methods used are: angry outbursts, lack of trust, resentment, being critical, fighting, yelling, being chronically busy on the computer, being a workaholic, drinking, eating, watching TV, shutting down and giving the silent treatment or staying out late.

If a couple becomes aware that new love heals old pain and is willing to make the T.E.A.M. Commitment, that couple can make a relationship work!

* * * * *

T.E.A.M. is endorsed by many prominent Rabbanim including: Rav Pam zt”l, Rav Belsky, Rav Dovid Goldwasser, Rav Herbst, Rav Lehrfield,Rabbi Pikus and Rav Ralbag. If there are any topics you would like me to discuss in my articles or have any questions, please feel free to contact me at CPCMoishe@aol.com or at 718-435-7388. You can also log on to CPCTEAM.org and download past articles and more information about the T.E.A.M. approach.

Moishe Herskowitz MS., LCSW, developed the T.E.A.M. (Torah Education & Awareness for a better Marriage) approach based on 20 successful years of counseling couples – helping them to communicate effectively and fully appreciate each other. As a licensed clinical social worker and renowned family therapist, he developed this breakthrough seminar to guide new couples through easy-to-accomplish steps towards a happy, healthy marriage. Moishe Herskowitz holds a certificate from the Brooklyn Institute for Psychotherapy and Psychoanalysis in couples and marriage therapy. He is an active member of the New York Counseling Association for marriage and family counseling.

About the Author: Moishe Herskowitz, MS., LCSW, developed the T.E.A.M. (Torah Education & Awareness for a better Marriage). As a licensed clinical social worker and renowned family therapist, he guides new couples through easy-to-accomplish steps towards a happy, healthy marriage. He can be reached at CPCMoishe@aol.com or 718-435-7388.


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Paper Cuts”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Betar soccer fans pour out on the field at Jerusalem's Teddy Stadium, where Hamas planned to carry out a mass-casualty attack.
Hamas Planned Massive Attack at Teddy Soccer Stadium in Jerusalem
Latest Sections Stories
Rabbi Maurice Lamm

Creativity without clarity is not sufficient for writing. I am eternally thankful to Hashem for his gift to me.

Schonfeld-logo1

This core idea of memory is very difficult to fully comprehend; however, it is essential.

Sometimes the most powerful countermove one can make when a person is screaming is to calmly say that her behavior is not helpful and then continue interacting with the rest of the family while ignoring the enraged person.

“Two nations are in your womb, and two peoples shall divide within you.”

Divorce from a vindictive, cruel spouse can be a lifelong nightmare when there are offspring.

There were many French Jews who jumped at the chance to shed their ancient identity and assimilate.

As Rabbi Shemtov stood on the stage and looked out at the attendees, he told them that “Rather than take photos with your cellphones, take a mental photo and keep this Shabbat in your mind and take it with you throughout your life.”

Yeshiva v’Kollel Bais Moshe Chaim will be holding a grand celebration on the occasion of the institution’s 40th anniversary on Sunday evening, December 7. Alumni, students, friends and faculty of the yeshiva, also known as Talmudic University of Florida, will celebrate the achievement and vision of its founders and the spiritual guidance of its educational […]

The yeshiva night accommodates all levels of Jewish education.

Recently, Fort Lauderdale has been the focus of international news, and it has not been about the wonderful weather.

Rabbi Sacks held the position of chief rabbi of the United Hebrew Congregations of the Commonwealth for 22 years until September 2013.

The event included a dvar Torah by student Pesach Bixon, an overview of courses, information about student life and a student panel that answered frequently asked questions from a student perspective.

It is difficult to write about such a holy person, for I fear I will not accurately portray his greatness…

More Articles from Moishe Herskowitz
Herskowitz-Moishe-NEW

In fact Hashem sets up couples that have opposite traits as an opportunity for each to help, learn, and heal the other.

Herskowitz-Moishe-NEW

Your husband seems to have experienced what we have described as the Ambivalent Attachment.

Many times when a couple is arguing they may, unconsciously, trigger childhood anger. So much so, that if we would stop and listen to what they are arguing about, it would sounds like two eight year olds fighting in the back yard.

In my last article I had mentioned that often one of the symptoms of autophobia, a fear of abandonment, is that as adults people suffering with this condition may become extremely sensitive to rejection.

In part one (Family Issues 04-29-2011) we mentioned that often a symptom of the anxiety disorder, the fear of abandonment, is a strong need to be in control. That is because the person suffering from the disorder has lost someone in their past – due to separation, divorce or death – and may unconsciously blame themselves for the desertion.

The fear of abandonment, also known as autophobia, is an anxiety disorder characterized by an acute fear of being alone. Often, one of the symptoms of this particular anxiety is a strong need to be in control. This is because one has previously lost someone close through separation, divorce or death and may unconsciously blames his or herself for the event. When this happens, any type of separation may traumatize the person, even the marriage of his or her own child can be viewed as a life-threatening event.

The following was a letter sent as a response to the article, “Children of Shame” (02-04-2011). The article addressed the fact that children learn at a very young age to disconnect their feelings as a mechanism to end their feelings of shame. As these children become adults, they find it difficult to reconnect those out of fear that once again they will feel the pain of shame.

Children who grew up feeling shameful for the most part will have also grown up without someone to talk to about how it made them feel.

Shame is one of the most destructive feelings there is. It is a feeling that something is wrong within us and has a negative affect on a child’s self-development.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/paper-cuts/2006/05/10/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: