web analytics
July 25, 2014 / 27 Tammuz, 5774
Israel at War: Operation Protective Edge
 
 
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
IDC Advocacy Room IDC Fights War on Another Front

Student Union opens ‘hasbara’ room in effort to fill public diplomacy vacuum.



The Power Of Love (Part I)


Herskowitz-Moishe

Stop The Pain, Not The Marriage

Marriage is not like every other human relationship. It brings two incompatible people together for the purpose of healing and growth. The degree of healing and growth will depend on many factors. One such factor is the ability to give love. Love is the foundation of married life. Even though many people talk about it, there is a great deal of doubt as to whether they really know how to give love. Most couples take it for granted that when they get married, their partners will understand what it takes to care about the happiness and well-being of another. This is why, three years ago, I designed a Marriage Enrichment program called T.E.A.M. — Torah Education and Awareness for a Better Marriage. It was designed to complement the Chassan and Kallah classes after Sheva Brochos. This way, as a team, they could put into practice what they had just learned. Since then, I have used the same T.E.A.M. love principles in premarital, marital and remarital counseling. But my greatest success is with couples who were just about to get divorced, but then realized that it is not the marriage they wanted to end, it’s the pain. If a couple grew up in a home with limited “VP” (a term we use at T.E.A.M. for verbal expression and physical affection), how could they have known and understood the skills and dynamics that make up an intimate relationship?

Recently, one couple shared with me a method they used when they first got married. They made a strong commitment not to make the same mistakes their parents made. They stated that “we may not know what to do, but we certainly know what not to do!” Now, logically, this would make sense, if not for the fact that by the time a person turns eight years old, 80 percent of his/her emotional programming has been already recorded. It’s like having a video camera on in your home all the time, transporting images to your mind of what love is supposed to feel and look like.

Love Principle #1

“Through giving, Hashem chooses each couple on the basis of their potential to heal each other.”

When we give our partners what they need, we also heal our own wounds. Giving love is a healing process that can only be activated if the male gives first! If not for the Torah, we would think that the female gives first, since this midah is so much a part of her nature. The Zohar tells us that the giving is the responsibility of the male. It’s he who gives first, if the healing is to begin.

Love Principle #2

“Love means different things to different people.”

The way you want to be loved may not be the way your partner wants to be loved. It’s important to ask him/her how they want to be loved, so that you know how to give love.

Love Principle #3

We are not mind readers!

It’s not realistic or emotionally healthy to think, “If he/she really loves me, I would not have to ask for something I really need.”

Love Principle #4

“Stop the pain, not the marriage”

Most couples do not want to get divorced. What they want is for the pain to stop. Recently, I was a guest on a talk show, along with a representative for single mothers. She spoke for a short while about her experiences before she got divorced. After the show, as we were leaving, she articulated these exact words “we need to stop the pain, not the marriage” If you don’t heal the pain, you will take it into your next relationship.

Love Principle #5

“Break the cycle”

Any unhealthy emotional programming that your parent learned from the past has now become your emotional programming of the present, and possibly the future (of your children).

Love principal #6

“A relationship is equal the sum of all its parts”

You first have to change something about yourself before you can change something about your relationship. When we change our behavior in response to our partner, we heal our partner and ourselves.

Love Principal #7

“Without change there is no growth”

About the Author: Moishe Herskowitz, MS., LCSW, developed the T.E.A.M. (Torah Education & Awareness for a better Marriage). As a licensed clinical social worker and renowned family therapist, he guides new couples through easy-to-accomplish steps towards a happy, healthy marriage. He can be reached at CPCMoishe@aol.com or 718-435-7388.


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “The Power Of Love (Part I)”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
New York Senator Chuck Schumer (D)
BiPartisan U.S. Effort to Ensure Hamas Disarmed Before Ceasefire
Latest Sections Stories
WC-072514-TCLA

“You Touro graduates are automatically soldiers in [Israel’s] struggle, and we count on you,” Rothstein told the graduates.

A-Night-Out-logo

The lemonana was something else. Never had we seen a green drink look so enticing.

Singer-072514

On his marriage, he wrote: “This is what I believe: something of the core, of the essence of this meaningful and life-affirming Judaism will not be absent from our home” (1882).

With the recent kidnapping by the Hamas and the barbaric murder of three children – Gilad Shaar, Eyal Yifrach and Naftali Frankel, we believe that the best answer to honor the memory of those murdered is to continue building those very communities – large and small – that our enemies are trying to destroy.

Written entirely through Frayda’s eyes, the reader is drawn by her unassuming personality.

Adopting an ancient exegetical approach that is based on midrashic readings of the text, thematic connections that span between various books of the Bible are revealed.

While Lipman comes from an ultra-Orthodox background and is an Orthodox rabbi, he offers a breath of fresh air when he suggests that “polarization caused by extremism and isolationism in the religious community may be the greatest internal threat to the future of the Jewish people”

The Joys of Yiddish, Leo Rosten defines a mentch as “someone to admire and emulate, someone of noble character.”

Certainly today’s communication via e-mail, Facebook, Twitter and the like, including the ubiquitous Whatsapp, has reduced the need to talk with people and communicate at length.

These two special women utilized their incredibly painful experience as an opportunity to assist others.

Maybe we don’t have to lose that growth and unity that we have achieved, especially with the situation in Eretz Yisrael right now.

Sleepily, I watched him kissing Mai’s chubby thighs.

I have always insisted that everything that happens to anyone or anything is min Shamayim.

More Articles from Moishe Herskowitz
Herskowitz-Moishe-NEW

In fact Hashem sets up couples that have opposite traits as an opportunity for each to help, learn, and heal the other.

Herskowitz-Moishe-NEW

Your husband seems to have experienced what we have described as the Ambivalent Attachment.

Many times when a couple is arguing they may, unconsciously, trigger childhood anger. So much so, that if we would stop and listen to what they are arguing about, it would sounds like two eight year olds fighting in the back yard.

In my last article I had mentioned that often one of the symptoms of autophobia, a fear of abandonment, is that as adults people suffering with this condition may become extremely sensitive to rejection.

In part one (Family Issues 04-29-2011) we mentioned that often a symptom of the anxiety disorder, the fear of abandonment, is a strong need to be in control. That is because the person suffering from the disorder has lost someone in their past – due to separation, divorce or death – and may unconsciously blame themselves for the desertion.

The fear of abandonment, also known as autophobia, is an anxiety disorder characterized by an acute fear of being alone. Often, one of the symptoms of this particular anxiety is a strong need to be in control. This is because one has previously lost someone close through separation, divorce or death and may unconsciously blames his or herself for the event. When this happens, any type of separation may traumatize the person, even the marriage of his or her own child can be viewed as a life-threatening event.

The following was a letter sent as a response to the article, “Children of Shame” (02-04-2011). The article addressed the fact that children learn at a very young age to disconnect their feelings as a mechanism to end their feelings of shame. As these children become adults, they find it difficult to reconnect those out of fear that once again they will feel the pain of shame.

Children who grew up feeling shameful for the most part will have also grown up without someone to talk to about how it made them feel.

Shame is one of the most destructive feelings there is. It is a feeling that something is wrong within us and has a negative affect on a child’s self-development.

    Latest Poll

    Do you think the FAA ban on US flights to Israel is political?






    View Results

    Loading ... Loading ...

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/the-power-of-love-series-part-i/2005/08/12/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: