web analytics
April 16, 2014 / 16 Nisan, 5774
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
Spa 1.2 Combining Modern Living in Traditional Jerusalem

A unique and prestigious residential project in now being built in Mekor Haim Street in Jerusalem.



The Power Of Love (Part I)


Herskowitz-Moishe

Share Button

Stop The Pain, Not The Marriage

Marriage is not like every other human relationship. It brings two incompatible people together for the purpose of healing and growth. The degree of healing and growth will depend on many factors. One such factor is the ability to give love. Love is the foundation of married life. Even though many people talk about it, there is a great deal of doubt as to whether they really know how to give love. Most couples take it for granted that when they get married, their partners will understand what it takes to care about the happiness and well-being of another. This is why, three years ago, I designed a Marriage Enrichment program called T.E.A.M. — Torah Education and Awareness for a Better Marriage. It was designed to complement the Chassan and Kallah classes after Sheva Brochos. This way, as a team, they could put into practice what they had just learned. Since then, I have used the same T.E.A.M. love principles in premarital, marital and remarital counseling. But my greatest success is with couples who were just about to get divorced, but then realized that it is not the marriage they wanted to end, it’s the pain. If a couple grew up in a home with limited “VP” (a term we use at T.E.A.M. for verbal expression and physical affection), how could they have known and understood the skills and dynamics that make up an intimate relationship?

Recently, one couple shared with me a method they used when they first got married. They made a strong commitment not to make the same mistakes their parents made. They stated that “we may not know what to do, but we certainly know what not to do!” Now, logically, this would make sense, if not for the fact that by the time a person turns eight years old, 80 percent of his/her emotional programming has been already recorded. It’s like having a video camera on in your home all the time, transporting images to your mind of what love is supposed to feel and look like.

Love Principle #1

“Through giving, Hashem chooses each couple on the basis of their potential to heal each other.”

When we give our partners what they need, we also heal our own wounds. Giving love is a healing process that can only be activated if the male gives first! If not for the Torah, we would think that the female gives first, since this midah is so much a part of her nature. The Zohar tells us that the giving is the responsibility of the male. It’s he who gives first, if the healing is to begin.

Love Principle #2

“Love means different things to different people.”

The way you want to be loved may not be the way your partner wants to be loved. It’s important to ask him/her how they want to be loved, so that you know how to give love.

Love Principle #3

We are not mind readers!

It’s not realistic or emotionally healthy to think, “If he/she really loves me, I would not have to ask for something I really need.”

Love Principle #4

“Stop the pain, not the marriage”

Most couples do not want to get divorced. What they want is for the pain to stop. Recently, I was a guest on a talk show, along with a representative for single mothers. She spoke for a short while about her experiences before she got divorced. After the show, as we were leaving, she articulated these exact words “we need to stop the pain, not the marriage” If you don’t heal the pain, you will take it into your next relationship.

Love Principle #5

“Break the cycle”

Any unhealthy emotional programming that your parent learned from the past has now become your emotional programming of the present, and possibly the future (of your children).

Love principal #6

“A relationship is equal the sum of all its parts”

You first have to change something about yourself before you can change something about your relationship. When we change our behavior in response to our partner, we heal our partner and ourselves.

Love Principal #7

“Without change there is no growth”

Share Button

About the Author: Moishe Herskowitz, MS., LCSW, developed the T.E.A.M. (Torah Education & Awareness for a better Marriage). As a licensed clinical social worker and renowned family therapist, he guides new couples through easy-to-accomplish steps towards a happy, healthy marriage. He can be reached at CPCMoishe@aol.com or 718-435-7388.


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

No Responses to “The Power Of Love (Part I)”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Israeli soldiers closed off the area near where a terror attack occurred  near Hevron on Passover eve, in search of the terrorists.
Netanyahu: PA Incitement Caused Pre-Passover Terror Attack
Latest Sections Stories
Tali Hill, a beneficiary of the Max Factor Family Foundation.

The plan’s goal is to provide supportive housing to 200 individuals with disabilities by the year 2020.

Yeshiva Day School of Las Vegas’s deans, Rabbi Moshe Katz and Rabbi Zev Goldman, present award to Educator of the Year, Rabbi Michoel Paris.

Despite being one of the fastest-growing Jewish communities in the U.S. – the estimated Jewish population is 70-80,000 – Las Vegas has long been overlooked by much of the Torah world.

She was followed by the shadows of the Six Million, by the ever so subtle awareness of their vanished presence.

Pesach is so liberating (if you excuse the expression). It’s the only time I can eat anywhere in the house, guilt free! Matzah in bed!

Now all the pain, fear and struggle were over and they were home. Yuli was safe and free, a hero returned to his land and people.

While it would seem from his question that he is being chuzpadik and dismissive, I wonder if its possible, if just maybe, he is a struggling, confused neshama who actually wants to come back to the fold.

I agree with the letter writer that a shadchan should respectfully and graciously accept a negative response to a shidduch offer.

Alternative assessments are an extremely important part of understanding what students know beyond the scope of tests and quizzes.

Your husband seems to have experienced what we have described as the Ambivalent Attachment.

The goal of the crusade is to demonize and hurt Israel.

The JUMP program at Hebrew Academy was generously sponsored by Evelyn and Dr. Shmuel Katz.

More Articles from Moishe Herskowitz
Herskowitz-Moishe-NEW

Your husband seems to have experienced what we have described as the Ambivalent Attachment.

Herskowitz-Moishe-NEW

Many times when a couple is arguing they may, unconsciously, trigger childhood anger. So much so, that if we would stop and listen to what they are arguing about, it would sounds like two eight year olds fighting in the back yard.

In my last article I had mentioned that often one of the symptoms of autophobia, a fear of abandonment, is that as adults people suffering with this condition may become extremely sensitive to rejection.

In part one (Family Issues 04-29-2011) we mentioned that often a symptom of the anxiety disorder, the fear of abandonment, is a strong need to be in control. That is because the person suffering from the disorder has lost someone in their past – due to separation, divorce or death – and may unconsciously blame themselves for the desertion.

The fear of abandonment, also known as autophobia, is an anxiety disorder characterized by an acute fear of being alone. Often, one of the symptoms of this particular anxiety is a strong need to be in control. This is because one has previously lost someone close through separation, divorce or death and may unconsciously blames his or herself for the event. When this happens, any type of separation may traumatize the person, even the marriage of his or her own child can be viewed as a life-threatening event.

The following was a letter sent as a response to the article, “Children of Shame” (02-04-2011). The article addressed the fact that children learn at a very young age to disconnect their feelings as a mechanism to end their feelings of shame. As these children become adults, they find it difficult to reconnect those out of fear that once again they will feel the pain of shame.

Children who grew up feeling shameful for the most part will have also grown up without someone to talk to about how it made them feel.

Shame is one of the most destructive feelings there is. It is a feeling that something is wrong within us and has a negative affect on a child’s self-development.

Traumatic events are typically unexpected, and uncontrollable. If in the past a person experienced a traumatizing event – even if it’s been long forgotten – the brain will remind them of that time, should something similar take place. Memories to traumatic occurrences lie dormant in the recesses of subconscious memories.

    Latest Poll

    Now that Kerry's "Peace Talks" are apparently over, are you...?







    View Results

    Loading ... Loading ...

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/the-power-of-love-series-part-i/2005/08/12/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: