web analytics
March 29, 2015 / 9 Nisan, 5775
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post


To A Lonely Wife: Give It A Rest!


Respler-031612

Dear Dr. Yael:

I read the March 2 letter from A Lonely Wife who feels unappreciated and neglected as she seeks more attention from her husband. It is necessary for her to receive a reality check – in other words, mussar.

While apparently having it all, she is unfulfilled. Well, how would she feel if she had to provide for her family? How would she feel if her husband was sick, or if she had to be the caregiver for a sick child or elderly family member? Perhaps her husband gives her too much of the good life.

What if he lost his parnassah? She would have to do her part by going out into the real world and earning one herself. And that would undoubtedly lead to her becoming a whining, miserable woman once she saw that others have more than her.

In short, she appears to be extremely needy and self-centered. She is a narcissist and, unlike her husband, disconnected from the real world. A Lonely Wife should understand that parnassos today are fleeting, and that there are potentially enormous problems associated with raising children. She needs to get with the program and shed her image of what the “perfect life” should be like.

As a therapist you need to tell her the truth, namely that she has had it too good. There are plenty of struggling single women who would be thrilled with such a successful husband – who is also a ba’al chesed! Please tell her to get off his back.

A Realist

Dear Realist:

Thank you for your response. We should always empathize with people who are going through hard times, and we should be thankful for all of our brachos. No one’s life is perfect and we must always look for the good in our lives, so as to remain positive and appreciative of the gifts that Hashem bestows on us.

Having a relationship with your husband is not something that is negative. On the contrary, we should all strive to work on our shalom bayis and improve our relationships with our spouses. Maybe others read the letter in question differently, but I read it as being written by a woman who wants to improve her relationship with her husband. Perhaps, but not necessarily so, she has too much time on her hands.

Many of today’s men are very busy earning a parnassah and doing important work on behalf of the klal. But they must understand that it is also important to be good husbands and fathers. Men who are constantly on their BlackBerries or iPhones need to shut them off when they walk in the door, or at least resist answering every text, phone call or e-mail.

The working world is not easy, but it is also not easy to be home with the children all day. Women need to have their husbands available for some kind of sharing or communication. That is not a selfish or narcissistic need. With the limited information she supplied, it is hard to assess whether A Lonely Wife just wants some much-needed communication or is needy and selfish. But I tend to give others the benefit of the doubt, and thus assume that this woman is a good person who just needs some communication with her husband. Hatzlachah!

Dear Dr. Yael:

Did I recently read correctly about couples with children complaining about their parents? Well, of all things!

Don’t these children have a clue by now of what their parents had to do to raise them? Regardless that they feel wronged, the biblical mitzvah of honoring one’s father and mother is unconditional. (Maybe in extreme situations, one’s rav should be consulted.)

And to still complain about parents who are still helping you after you’re married? I for one can’t stomach seeing or reading about this nonsense. Nothing personal, Dr. Respler, but I find much of what goes on in your profession enabling and/or legitimizing this behavior.

I thank my parents and grandparents for what they’ve done for me. I can never repay them, and can only ask them to stay exactly as they are.

No longer a teen, I have come to realize that they have no faults.

D.L.

Dear D.L.:

Thank you for your reality check. We need to have kavod for our parents no matter what they do or say. A frum therapist who follows daas Torah would never legitimize being chutzpadik; rather, he or she would try to help the young woman change her perspective and work on having a better relationship with her parents and/or in-laws. Therapists are listeners, trying to help their clients work on different relationships in their lives. We cannot change how people feel and we need to validate their feelings, but we can help them see things from another perspective and give them insight into different relationships. Parents may not be perfect and may have faults, but that does not change a child’s requirement to show them derech eretz. For their part, most parents want their children to be happy and want to be good to them, and are thus willing to work on their relationships with their children.

About the Author: Letters may be emailed to deardryael@aol.com. To schedule an appointment, please call 917-751-4887.


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “To A Lonely Wife: Give It A Rest!”

Comments are closed.

Current Top Story
Child looks on as Houti rebels' truck passes with weapons.
Houthis Copy Hamas Tactics and Use Civilian Shields to Hit Saudi Planes
Latest Sections Stories
Neuman-Rabbi-M-Gary

Are we allowed to lie for shalom bayis? It would seem so, but what might be a healthy guideline for when it’s okay and when it’s not?

book-To-Fill-The-Sky-With-Stars

The connection between what I experienced as a high school teenager and the adult I am today did not come easy to me.

Respler-032715

Isn’t therapy about being yourself; aren’t there different ways for people to communicate with each other?

South-Florida-logo

Jack was awarded a blue and gold first-place trophy, appropriately topped off with a golden bee.

Participating in ManiCures during the school day may feel like a break from learning, but the intended message to the students was loud and clear. Learning and chesed come in all forms, and can be fun.

Building campaign chairman Jack Gluck has led the effort over many years.

When using an extension cord always make sure to use the correct rated extension cord.

There was no question that when Mrs. Cohen entered the room to meet the teacher she was hostile from the outset.

Szold was among the founders and leaders (she served on its executive committee) of Ichud (“Unity”), a political group that campaigned against the creation of an independent, sovereign Jewish state in Eretz Yisrael.

My friend is a strong and capable Jewish woman, but she acted with a passivity that seemed out of character.

“If you don’t stand straight, you’ll never get a husband.”

First, sit down with your helpers and a pen and paper and break the jobs down into small parts.

More Articles from Dr. Yael Respler
Respler-032715

Isn’t therapy about being yourself; aren’t there different ways for people to communicate with each other?

Respler-032015

I believe that Hashem will only bring Moshiach when we finally achieve achdus.

I love my husband dearly and I do everything to make him happy.

Men and women have different roles to play in marriages and as parents.

The husband needs to make some changes!

Whenever he did anything loving for me, I made a big deal about it.

She says that they are our children and since she brings in half, or sometimes more than half of our parnassah, we need to be full partners in their chinuch.

I surprise my wife with gifts, large and small.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/to-a-lonely-wife-give-it-a-rest/2012/03/15/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: