web analytics
November 28, 2014 / 6 Kislev, 5775
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
IDC Herzliya Campus A Day on Campus

To mark IDC Herzliya’s 20th anniversary, we spent a day following Prof. Uriel Reichman, IDC’s founder and president, and Jonathan Davis, VP for External Relations, around its delightful campus.



Above And Beyond The Court System


Blended-Family-logo

After my recent article about the difficult trials divorcing couples face within the court system (Family Issues 1-13-2012), especially when there are children involved, I received a heartfelt e-mail from a grandfather in tremendous pain over the demise of his son’s marriage and the subsequent custody battle over his beloved grandchild. He was concerned that his son would be portrayed to the court as incapable of caring for his young child due to recent debilitating health issues his son has unfortunately suffered. The grandfather felt conflicted over the fact that a beit din would not hear the custody concerns but instead a judge would hear the matter during a family court hearing. As an observant Jew he felt that going to a secular or civil court was not an acceptable option for his family. His daughter-in-law, who was seeking the divorce, felt differently and requested that the beit din only take responsibility for securing the get, the Jewish divorce decree, and subsequently appealed to the secular court system to deal with matters of custody, visitation and child support.

Unfortunately divorce is on the rise in the Jewish world. Sadly, each new day brings additional broken families. In fact, the average couple divorcing is no longer a shocking occurrence. I recall that when my marriage fell apart over sixteen years ago, due to what would now be considered “typical” circumstances, it bordered on scandalous in my small community. At that time I could count on one hand the number of divorcees I had ever come in contact with. Sadly, today that is not the case.

Shalom bayit, a peaceful and joyous home with a happy harmonious family is the dream of every new couple starting out. Sometimes that dream gets sidelined to such a degree that there is simply no other option except to divorce. There are even circumstances where a divorce is warranted according to halacha. When a relationship has broken down it can become toxic to the point that the individuals transgress the Torah laws that govern how one should treat his fellow Jew. Hashem’s precious Torah is all good, and allows for the possibility of the dissolution of a marriage – it even provides the necessary guidelines for divorce. There are appropriate steps that must be taken, laws that govern the proper way to give and to receive a get in order to retain the dignity, sanctity and holiness of the process and the respect for the parties involved.

Living in galut, as we all do these days, where we are governed by laws other than just halacha, there is often no choice but to utilize the family court system, in addition to beit din, to some degree in matters of divorce. Enforcing child support, parental rights and parenting time are but a few of the standard functions of the court system. In Israel the system is a bit different as the beit din is considered part and parcel of the legal apparatus and therefore the decision of a recognized beit din can be (but is not always) enforceable by law. In most places the results of beit din arbitrations are considered a form of mediation between the parties and are accepted in civil court; but judgments in child-custody cases are not necessarily binding until they are filed with the civil court system. Each court system, the beit din as well as the family court, is honest about their directive; they each claim to be to be looking out for the best interest of the child/children, yet their interpretations of what “the best interest” is may differ. The rabbinical court will often put greater emphasis on the spiritual well being of the child while the civil courts may see the religious upbringing as secondary to other concerns.

Entering into a civil court situation to decide on the “best interest of your child” is a scary reality that so many parents face today; you are to a certain degree handing over your right to make decisions for your family. Allowing others – people who may or may not understand your personal ideals, priorities and standard of religious beliefs – to make certain decisions that can radically change the course of your life. Taking that chance is essentially a roll of the dice; you never know the outcome until it is too late.

Parents who once shared hopes and dreams for their children now become the prosecution and the defense in family court. Each side fights for control in an attempt to protect what they feel are their “rights.” As difficult as it is for divorcing couples to agree on certain issues, if the opponents take a step back and honestly weigh their options, it would be hard for me to accept that they would choose to surrender control to a third party, and allow strangers to take the reins when deciding on the daily lives of our precious children. Understandably there will be conflict and compromises – and most certainly sacrifices – that would inevitably have to be made on both sides in order to provide the children with the continuity they deserve in order to grow up in a stable home environment, but isn’t it worth it?

About the Author: Yehudit welcomes and encourages input and feedback on issues relating to the Blended Family and can be reached at blendedfamily@aol.com


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Above And Beyond The Court System”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
IDF Chief Rabbi Rafi Peretz delivers lecture.
IDF Chief Rabbi: Nothing is Holy to Muslims on Temple Mount except Al Aqsa
Latest Sections Stories
West-Coast-logo

Lester Crown, a perennial member of the Forbes 400 list since 1982 and founder of the prestigious Covenant Foundation, took the stage in Washington, D.C. before a room of high-powered dignitaries, philanthropists, and innovators.

Collecting-History-logo

Not as well known, however, is Keller’s involvement with Jewish and Israeli communities.

Creativity without clarity is not sufficient for writing. I am eternally thankful to Hashem for his gift to me.

This core idea of memory is very difficult to fully comprehend; however, it is essential.

Sometimes the most powerful countermove one can make when a person is screaming is to calmly say that her behavior is not helpful and then continue interacting with the rest of the family while ignoring the enraged person.

“Two nations are in your womb, and two peoples shall divide within you.”

Divorce from a vindictive, cruel spouse can be a lifelong nightmare when there are offspring.

There were many French Jews who jumped at the chance to shed their ancient identity and assimilate.

As Rabbi Shemtov stood on the stage and looked out at the attendees, he told them that “Rather than take photos with your cellphones, take a mental photo and keep this Shabbat in your mind and take it with you throughout your life.”

Yeshiva v’Kollel Bais Moshe Chaim will be holding a grand celebration on the occasion of the institution’s 40th anniversary on Sunday evening, December 7. Alumni, students, friends and faculty of the yeshiva, also known as Talmudic University of Florida, will celebrate the achievement and vision of its founders and the spiritual guidance of its educational […]

The yeshiva night accommodates all levels of Jewish education.

More Articles from Yehudit Levinson
Blended-Family-logo

Since I did not know much about divorce in those years, I just assumed that this was the “norm.” I learned later on how exceptional this family really was.

Blended-Family-logo

Although my ex-husband was unable to attend we still wanted to include his family members who lived here is Israel and were very happy that we choose to do so for our son’s sake.

This particular article has been on my computer for quite some time now – incomplete. What compelled me to complete it was my son’s 19th birthday. Born of my first marriage and raised solely by my husband and me for the past seventeen-plus years, my son has only a few memories of time spent with his biological father. My children have made me acutely aware of Parental Disconnect issues. I hope that sharing my thoughts on it will help save others from the pain and confusion we have had to work through.

Family court, visitation and child support are all unavoidable realities for divorced parents. One particular rule that would be wise to heed is that child support should be less about dollars and cents and more about dollar and “good” sense.

Journaling, putting your feelings down on paper, is a well known method of coping with difficult or traumatic experiences. In fact there have been studies done that seem to prove that people who “journal” live happier, healthier lives. In his book Writing to Heal, James Pennebaker, Professor and Chair of the Psychology Department at the University of Texas at Austin, explores this concept. He stresses that when we write about trauma, emotional upheavals or difficult issues we are struggling with, the “heart rates slow, blood pressure drops and immune systems strengthen.”

In all honesty, I really do feel blessed. Interestingly though only someone in a family situation like mine could possibly comprehend this particular “blessing,” and many would not consider it a blessing at all. You see I feel fortunate to have not one, but two wonderful women in my life – both of whom happen to be my mothers-in-law, one from my first marriage and one from my second.

Recently a popular Jewish weekly magazine featured a story depicting the life of a young boy whose parents were divorced. Each parent had re-married, establishing new families. Their shared custody of this son, and he spent substantial time with each of his parent’s new families. Giving a voice to the child of divorce was the intention of the story. It highlighted the distress children feel as well as the confusing messages they often receive from the adults in their lives.

When an opportunity for a fresh start is handed to us, when that new door opens, it is often viewed as a gift from Hashem. In most cases in order to completely realize it, we must fully embrace it. For people transitioning into marriage the second time around this is often the reality they face: a new opportunity seldom comes without a price, without us having to, in some way, compromise the life we were accustomed to. Seamlessly blending “pre re-marriage” life with “post re-marriage, new blended family” life is difficult at best and often times takes many years to sort its’ way out.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/parenting-our-children/above-and-beyond-the-court-system/2012/04/26/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: