Last week I relayed Evelyn’s story. She is a well spouse who was making a simcha. She chose not to invite people who hadn’t visited or called her husband since he became a resident in a nursing home. Included in her invitation boycott was anyone who hadn’t called her or invited her for a Shabbos or Yom Tov meal or even a cup of tea during the same period. Evelyn related to me how some people realized exactly why they were excluded from the simcha and even apologized or tried to make up for their neglect. But what of the people who chose not to “get it” – the people who just got angry and felt slighted? I asked Evelyn how she felt now, months after the simcha. Was she sorry she hadn’t invited everyone in her community as she had in the past?
Evelyn told me that not only was she still comfortable with her decision, but she felt it was the most freeing decision she had made in a long, long time. The people she had invited to her simcha were people who had stood by her during the past two years, and though she understood that no one intended to deliberately hurt her, that is exactly what had happened. She told me she meant no ill will toward anyone, but simchas make us all vulnerable and filled with emotion.
She felt that having people present at her simcha who had ignored them through their crises of these past years would have made the day uncomfortable for her and her husband. She knew she would have to fight the negative feelings that would rise within her heart when she saw them.
This way, she felt surrounded by people she wanted there – people whose actions mirrored their sentiments. She felt that at the simcha, the room was full of warmth and caring, and that was what she wanted. She told me she had no regrets for having shortened her guest list to almost half. And anyone who chose to remain angry with her and not even bother to ask aloud (or in their heart, for that matter) why they were excluded could just stay excluded. No, she had no regrets.
Evelyn concluded our interview by telling me that the best part of the shortened guest list was the feeling it gave her when (maybe for the first time in her life) she refused to respond to what others expected her to do. Instead, she felt that she had taken control of her life and did what was right for her, and it was a wonderful feeling.
Bracha had always gone to, helped out and supported community functions. Since she didn’t live in a large Jewish community, she always felt it was important to support all the Jewish functions and help whenever she could. This year, however, had been a year filled with crisis after crisis for Bracha and her chronically ill husband. She too had had the misfortune of having to juggle a simcha and a crisis all at the same time.
Since then, she found herself feeling alone and depressed much of the time. She feared for the future as her husband’s condition worsened. Her physical and mental energy were sapped.
As Chanukah approached, Bracha thought about the annual dinner she always attended. She thought about all the children running around and the tumult she used to love. She knew that this year it would take all her energy to be there. She would have to field questions about her husband over and over again. She anticipated walking away more depressed than she was now, if that was possible. Yet the desire to support the event made her unsure of whether or not she’d attend.
While debating what to do, the chairperson of the event called Bracha to ask if she was coming. Bracha felt immediately better. How nice that there was concern about her being alone. She felt the support that comes when someone thinks of you. She thanked the caller for her thoughtfulness and concern and said she just wasn’t sure if she’d attend this year given all she was dealing with. She was sure they’d have an extra “latke” or two should she decide to come without a reservation.
The chairperson responded, without even a hint of embarrassment, that she was really calling because they needed more help and was hoping that Bracha could take a cooking, serving and/or clean up shift.
The call helped Bracha decide. She knew that this year she needed to, and should look after, her own needs. She decided to follow her heart, care for herself, and not go to the community event. Instead, she called a close, supportive friend and asked her to accompany her to a restaurant for dinner.
She knew that her absence at the shul would be noticed and felt that maybe that was a good thing. If anyone asked why she hadn’t attended, she’d tell the truth. She’d say that she just wasn’t up to it this year because she was depressed and hoped that by changing her routine, her “dance,” perhaps what she was dealing with might be noticed.
If not, at least, she, like Evelyn, spent the evening in the way she wanted, and not doing what was routine and expected. She had recharged her batteries, placed herself in a positive situation, and had no regrets about changing the “dance.”
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