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December 8, 2016 / 8 Kislev, 5777
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Special Chanukah Parody Edition


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Question: How do you celebrate Chanukah?

 

 


I can really appreciate Chanukah since it’s a festival about oil, and my family and I understand the value of oil lasting for eight days. We will light the ceremonial menorah at the White House and then enjoy some delicious lattes.

– George W. Bush, president

 

 

 



I’m gonna put on my yarmulka and sing with my harmonica and create another hit record about famous Jews. Hey, can I borrow this article when you’re done?

– Adam Sandler, singer/actor

 

 

 

 


I will inflate the spirituality of my home through lighting the menorah. I will take stock of the history of the day and enjoy it for its religious beauty while making sure family spending is within our budgetary limit.

– Allan Greenspan, former Federal Reserve chairman

 


 


I relate to Chanukah so much that I’ve even adopted the name of its main heroine, Esther. Every time I bite into the traditional bitter herb I think back to the ancient Hebrews and how much they endured. I will celebrate the holiday by purchasing red strings and specially blessed Kabbalah Water for my family and celebrity friends. It’s frighteningly overpriced but it really adds spirituality to our lives.

– Madonna, pop icon

 



What is Chanukah and why do people celebrate it? You definitely can’t say it’s a holiday about nothing since it’s a festivus for the rest of us, yada, yada, yadaI might buy myself some new sneakers, but I’ll stay away from last year’s pirate puffy shirt – not that there’s anything wrong with that. My kids are going to eat latkes with brussels sprouts from a recipe in my wife’s new cookbook, which by the way would make a great Chanukah gift. 

– Jerry Seinfeld, comedian

Ita Yankovich

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