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{Originally posted to the SATIRIC website, PreOccupied Territory}

Jerusalem, December 20 – Israel’s religious establishment will begin levying fees on food establishments to certify them as not complying with Jewish dietary law, a spokesman announced today.


Chief Rabbinate representative Mani Gruber told reporters that the organization has developed a new revenue stream in the form of mandatory supervision and certification charges on restaurants, caterers, and manufacturers of food that do not claim to adhere to the standards of kashrut, in order to give the public what he called clarity on which places they must avoid if they seek to eat only kosher.

“It became clear to the Kashrut Committee that merely certifying those places that claim to be kosher will not suffice,” Gruber informed journalists at a press conference. “The kosher-eating public needs to know for sure that where they aren’t eating, or where their food didn’t come from, is definitely kosher or not kosher. This new policy will provide that certainty, and people can know exactly what kind of food they’re avoiding.”

January 1 will see implementation of the new policy, under which all food establishments will select the type of certification they will retain. The existing levels of kashrut standards will remain available, but those establishments declining to have their wares certified as kosher will instead be required to select from various levels of supervision for specific types of non-kosher certification: milk-meat combinations, pork, leavened grain products that remained in Jewish possession during Passover, animals not slaughtered according to Jewish law, blood, shellfish, untithed produce, or wine made by people who do not adhere to Torah law. Establishments pursuing a more elite non-kosher clientele will also enjoy more expensive options such as certification that the establishment uses or serves wine consecrated or offered to idolatry, or serves more exotic meat choices such as turtle, snake, or frog.

“Our revenue has been a mess,” admitted Ashkenazi Chief Rabbi David Lau. “This new system will help shore up the operational side of things, in addition to addressing some claims of discrimination in our supervision. From now on, we’re going to make sure we don’t ignore the places that don’t want to pony up for a guy to come in maybe once a month to collect his check, take a perfunctory look around the kitchen, and leave. Every restaurant and manufacturer should enjoy that privilege, so we’re going to hire more inspectors to do the same everywhere. People might want to get used to the sight of a Rabbi walking into a non-kosher restaurant to do something other than use the bathroom.”



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