Dear Dating Coach,
A year ago, I dated a girl that I really liked. After dating for while though, I worried that my feelings weren’t right, and we stopped seeing each other. Since then I have gone out with other girls, but I compare them all to her. A shadchan recently suggested that we should go out with each other again (she is interested) and I really want to – but I am afraid that I will end up hurting her again. Should I give us another chance?
Rinse and Repeat
Dear Repeat,
The Super Bowl is coming to Miami and that means there will be parties with manly foods, large screens, and football fun. (I assume that’s what they are. I have never been to one. I know this must surprise you. Not.) There are people who take sporting events very seriously and they know of course that their team’s chances of winning depends entirely on them. Maybe they wear the same socks during the playoffs (please let them be washed), maybe they let their beards grow during those final games, or maybe they just need to stand two inches from the screen so they can coach the players more effectively. (Only a non-believer would say that the players can’t hear them through the screen.) Obviously, they are unable to leave the room during the game or their team will lose the ball. This is a proven fact. (It is not.) So when they finally feel dizzy with starvation, they will dash to the kitchen to grab a snack as fast as they possibly can. When they return, if their team still has the football, they will breathe a huge sigh of relief and say, “Phew that was close.” If of course their team has lost possession of the ball, they will hang their heads in shame, positive that their ‘leaving’ was the cause. If you don’t believe any of this is true, you must only have girls in your family.
Round One
When our feelings are unresolved, it can be confusing to think of someone you have previously dated. There were many things that you liked about her, but after a while you were unsure of your feelings and felt it was unfair to continue dating her. Now that time has passed, and you have gone out with other girls, you still think of her and even compare new girls to her. Right after you stop dating someone, especially someone you have gone out with for a while, it is normal to still think about that person. You may even worry about the decision you made; but after going out with new people, those feelings usually fade. In your case however, since so much time has gone by and you still can’t seem to stop thinking about her, it may be time to revisit your connection.
Round Two
You are not an oracle, a magic eight ball, or a genie in a lamp. We have not been gifted with the power to tell the future. This is a personal risk that you must take if you decide to go out with her again. Only you will be able to determine if you are now ready to commit to her and a future together. Her feelings however, are entirely her own. She is obviously strong and confident in her heart’s ability to take a leap of faith by going out with you again. You don’t get to decide if she is capable of getting back on the field – of taking that risk and handling potential disappointment should this not work out again. Frankly, to imagine you do, not only speaks to your sense of self-importance, but diminishes the strength of character she so clearly possesses.
Round Three
Her interest in pursuing a second chance with you, is her decision to make. You can only decide if you want to take the plunge, and then be grateful that she is so graciously offering you this second chance. To me, second chances are always positive and often lead to happy new beginnings. So be thankful that she is still available and interested and give your future together another chance. At the very worst, you will get the closure you need, and at best, you will have a funny story to tell your grandchildren together.