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What Kind of Community Needs to Hear this?

Rabbis have to stop dismissing everything that comes from outside the Beis Medrash.
Rabbi Mendel Epstein

Rabbi Mendel Epstein
Photo Credit: The 5 Towns Jewish Times

An interview with Rabbi Mendel Epstein has gone viral. The protagonist of the article is Rabbi Epstein, a man who has dedicated his life to helping women navigate the rough waters of Jewish divorce. He is a professional to’ein (Jewish for lawyer) and advocates for women. He has a lot of insight. He also carries a bias. We all do. There’s no crime in bias. But it’s important that we know what we are dealing with.

In terms of substance, I agree with a lot of what Rabbi Epstein says. Obviously. Who wouldn’t?

He comes off a bit paternalistic at times. He’s also working in a very male dominated social environment so some of what he says sounds uncomfortable to more modern ears. I think it’s clear that he is talking about a fairly insular Haredi community. Most of the modern orthodox or even centrist yeshiva type people I know are fully aware of these things and don’t need to be informed or even reminded to treat their wives respectfully.

Four items in his “Bill of Rights” for Orthodox Jewish wive are:

(1) A wife must be treated with respect and not be abused. A woman in an abusive relationship has a right to seek a get.

(2) She is entitled to be supported by her husband. Read the kesubah.

(3) A husband is obligated to honor and respect his wife’s parents.

(4) She is entitled to a normal conjugal relationship.

He also cites some very specious anecdotal evidence about divorce and infidelity that sound exaggerated. He basically tries to assert the “it might lead to mixed dancing” argument as fact.

But here is the real problem. What kind of society needs to be told these things? How is this all not patently obvious? What kind of world needs a rabbi to affirm these basic principles?

It’s not as if Rabbi Epstein is saying that there a few people who need to be reminded or scolded about these things. He seems to be saying that this Bill of Rights is necessary for our entire society. This makes me ill.

We tout our communities as safe havens from the dysfunction on the outside. But is it true? Is there dysfunction on the outside? Are we functioning better? These are very difficult claims to answer. Rabbi Epstein seems to be poking a hole in our armor. It seems that in some ways we need to look to the outside as our guide on how to behave. Ask any middle-class, educated, family orientated person about marriage and there is no doubt that they will echo Rabbi Epstein’s supposed bombshell.

But how does this happen? How is it that we are falling behind?

It’s possible that we have demonized the outside so much in our communities and educational systems that we passively reject whatever they espouse. We gloss over חכמה בגויים תאמין. We think that we have the answers and they don’t. Eventually this leads us to a place where we tune out the good ideas and advice from the outside and bad habits and poor social standards become set in our communities.

I don’t doubt that there are many people who need to hear this Bill of Rights. But I also don’t doubt that anyone normal would agree with them. So why does it need to be said? It has to be that we simply ignore these issues. Why are we ignoring them if the rest of modern society is addressing them? There is no satisfactory answer to this question.

One more thing. Rabbi Epstein places too much faith in the Beis Din system. I have never in my entire life heard of someone who had a positive Beis Din experience. It seems extremely unlikely that a woman’s best course of action is to go to a Beis Din that requires both parties to agree to a binding arbitration. The problems with our Beis Din system are well known and it’s a disservice to his audience that Rabbi Esptein recommends entering into this basically corrupt system. See: Restoring Credibility to the Beis Din System.

The article ends with a call for action and ideas for solutions. I think it’s pretty simple. Reinstitute חכמה בגויים תאמין. Start learning from the outside. Read secular books of marriage and intimacy. Pay attention to what psychologist, marriage therapists, and secular experts say. Rabbis have to stop dismissing everything that comes from outside the Beis Medrash. We can learn a lot from experts on these matters, especially intimacy. We have to start respecting people outside our community and not believing as a matter of faith that a yarmulka and a sheitel and a vort and a 500 guest wedding and sheva brachos and shana rishona are going to magically make for great marriages and happy couples.

There are many very happy marriages within our community. There are also many happy marriages outside our community. We can learn from them. We should learn from them. Hopefully we can arrive at a place where we can laugh at the absolute silliness of a Bill of Rights that says not to abuse women, to provide for one’s family, and to be intimate with one’s wife. I hope we get there soon.

Visit Fink or Swim.

About the Author: Rabbi Eliyahu Fink, J.D. is the rabbi at the famous Pacific Jewish Center | The Shul on the Beach in Venice CA. He blogs at finkorswim.com. Connect with Rabbi Fink on Facebook and Twitter.


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7 Responses to “What Kind of Community Needs to Hear this?”

  1. Igor Stavnitser says:

    "But here is the real problem. What kind of society needs to be told these things? How is this all not patently obvious? What kind of world needs a rabbi to affirm these basic principles?"

    What kind of society?
    Society that has heard incredible stories since birth. Stories that make contemporary stories of misogyny sound tame. Yael's sacrifice, Yehuda's treatment of Tamar, etc.. Society where there is no forum for critical discussions of such stories, other than following few standard explanations.

    In any case you don't get a community you want, you get a community you get. So this Rav got the one on his hands that needs to be told that you can't abuse your wife. So… who exactly are you angry at?

  2. why would a person get married and then decide to abuse their wives, or it does happen their husbands? then they are probably getting married for the wrong reasons, and should be told so before they take their vows.

  3. Eliyahu Fink says:

    Why do you think I am angry?

  4. Eliyahu Fink says:

    Why do you think I am angry?

  5. Well, Torah is a tool, not a magic wand (even the latter is a tool, actually… never mind). If you don't use it the proper way, it's gonna do nothing. So, there are religious jews who need to be told those things (another question – they just won't give a damn about anything they're told by anybody other than those who have already taught them exactly what they already believe… never mind, again). And the others – have, for about 100 year, been reading secular books, getting degrees in universities, and, in general, looking at things "outside the community"… I don't quite understand your passion. :)

  6. Igor Stavnitser says:

    Igor Tseitkin Abuse must be quantified somehow to make any conclusions. Each case is uniquely tragic, however, it would be useful to see some numbers to benchmark incidence of abuse vs other groups before making any conclusions. With so many different types of spousal abuse to choose from, there are probably cases within all groups. What are the numbers and sources?

  7. malkae says:

    people who abuse their wives are not ‘regular’ people, they are dysfunctional were not talking about the norm, they have a need to dominate, control, abuse and disrespect in order to feel powerfull and they have no empathy

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