web analytics
August 4, 2015 / 19 Av, 5775
At a Glance
Judaism
Sponsored Post


Why Can’t I Get Married? (Part Five)


Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis

Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis

As promised, I will now try to offer some recommendations on how to find “Mr./Ms. Right.” Some years ago, an attractive young non-observant woman whom I shall refer to as “Kelly” came to consult me regarding a shidduch.

“Tell me,” I said, “What are you looking for?”

“What am I looking for?” she repeated pensively. “Nothing complicated – just a nice, quality guy. Although sometimes I wonder whether he exists.”

“Of course he does,” I assured her, “but your definition of quality may not be realistic.”

“What do you mean?”

“Let me share with you an incident that occurred some years ago at one of our Hineni classes and you’ll understand.

“A young woman approached me. She was truly beautiful and many in our group recognized her since she was a television personality. She too told me, ‘I’m looking for a quality person,’ and when I challenged her to explain exactly what she meant by quality, she enumerated five musts on which she was not willing to compromise.

“1. Good looking – ‘Looks are important,’ she explained. ‘There has to be a certain chemistry.’

“2. Bright – ‘Someone who is well educated, but also has street smarts.’

“3. Wealthy – ‘He has to support me in the lifestyle to which I have become accustomed. At this stage of my life, I can’t go backwards!’

“4. A great personality and good sense of humor – ‘I have no patience for moody people. I like a man who is fun and with whom I can have a good laugh,’ – and finally,

“5. Someone who is athletic – ‘I love tennis.’ ”

“Good luck to her,” Kelly said, laughing. “That would take five different guys all wrapped into one!”

“That’s exactly what I said, but I also told her that her ‘big five’ was a bunch of ‘zeroes’ and did not add up to anything.”

“Why?” Kelly asked.

“Simple – ‘zeroes’ don’t add up to anything unless there is a digit in front of them.”

Kelly looked at me quizzically, so I repeated, “Five ‘zeroes’ without a digit in front of them, are what we call in Yiddish, ‘Gurnisht Mit Gurnisht’ – G.M.G. – nothing with nothing.”

“I don’t think that I’m obtuse, but I still don’t get it. What digit are you referring to, Rebbetzin?”

“A Torah digit – the first letter of the Torah, which is ‘B’ – ‘Bet’, and the last letter of the Torah which is ‘L’ – Lamed. Those two letters spell ‘lev’ – heart. If he doesn’t have a good heart, then his good looks will become repulsive overnight; his sharp mind and wit will be used to abuse and denigrate you; his wealth will control and manipulate you; and his ‘great personality’ will eclipse and suffocate yours. As for tennis, I told her, “You can always get him a trainer! But how will you train him to acquire a good heart?'”

“So, how do you train someone to have a good heart?” Kelly now asked.

“Finding a good-hearted person is no simple matter,” I told her. “As much as we would like to believe that, basically, we are all good people with a few ‘shtick’ here and there, the truth is that we are not so good, and we have to learn goodness.

“It is written in the Torah that ‘The heart of a man is wicked from his youth’ (Genesis, 8:21).

“We are born seeing only our own needs and must be taught to be sensitive to the concerns of others. This training must start at a tender age. Early on, children must be conditioned to be giving, to be patient, to be considerate, and to be kind. Even simple words like ‘thank you’ and ‘please’ must be taught and are not to be taken for granted – as evidenced by their absence from the vocabulary of so many adults.

“Unfortunately, in many homes, these values are never imparted. Often, parents regard inappropriate behavior as ‘cute’ or something that their children will outgrow. There are also those parents who have no clue as to what constitutes a ‘good heart.’ They raise their children without teaching the disciplines that foster goodness. So it is that there are so many obnoxious adults.”

“But can’t you acquire these disciplines later in life?” Kelly asked.

“Of course you can,” I assured her, “but it’s very difficult to un-learn ingrained character traits. And for a spouse to undo them is virtually impossible. No one should marry in the hope of changing the other. The best we can do is to change ourselves.”

“I wish that I could disagree with you,” Kelly sighed. “I guess I had to learn the hard way. I went out with some of those difficult obnoxious guys, and believe me, they robbed me of many good years. It was only after I suffered much pain and disappointment that I discovered what they were all about. But how can I prevent this from happening in the future? How can I know that the man that I am dating has a ‘good heart’ before I invest all that time?”

Kelly’s question should be of primary concern to all singles. Indeed, how can you tell?

While there is no silver bullet that can offer guarantees, there are nevertheless guidelines that we can follow that can assure us that we did our hishtadlus – due diligence – to ensure that the most important decision of our lives was being made on a solid foundation. What these guidelines constitute, I will, B’Ezrat Hashem, discuss in my next column.

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Why Can’t I Get Married? (Part Five)”

Comments are closed.

Current Top Story
Tourist injured by Muslim mob on Temple Mount on August 4, 2015
Arabs Beat Up Tourist on Temple Mount [video]
Latest Judaism Stories
Torat-Hakehillah-logo-NEW

By internalizing the Exodus, it is as if we ourselves were redeemed from Egypt.

Neihaus-073115

Each Shabbos we add the tefilla of “Ritzei” to Birchas HaMazon. In it we ask Hashem that on this day of Shabbos He should be pleased with us and save us. What exactly do we want to be saved from? Before we answer this question, let’s talk about this Friday, the 15th of Av. Many […]

Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks

Amongst the greatest disagreements in Judaism is the understanding of the 1st of the 10 Commandments

Daf-Yomi-logo

The Day He Heard
‘One May Seek Revocation Of A Confimation’
(Nedarim 69a)

The director picked up the phone to Rabbi Dayan. “One of our counselors lost his check,” he said. “Do we have to issue a new one or is it his loss?”

Six events occurred on Tu B’Av, the 15th of Av, making it a festive day in the Jewish calendar.

Why would Moshe Rabbeinu have thought that the vow that disallowed him to enter Eretz Yisrael was annulled simply because he was allowed to conquer and enter the land of Sichon and Og?

Question: When a stranger approaches a congregant in shul asking for tzedakah, should the congregant verify that the person’s need is genuine? Furthermore, what constitutes tzedakah? Is a donation to a synagogue, yeshiva, or hospital considered tzedakah?

Zvi Kirschner
(Via E-Mail)

Snow in Jerusalem! For many New Englanders like me, snow pulls at our nostalgic heartstrings like nothing else can.

Man has conflicting wishes and desires. Man has forces pulling him in competing directions.

Perhaps the admonition here is that we should not trivialize the events of the past by saying that they are irrelevant to the modern Jew.

One must view the settlement of Israel in a positive light. Thinking otherwise is a grievous sin.

Reaching a stronger understanding of what Moses actually did to prevent him from entering the land

Anti-Zionism, today’s anti-Semitism, has gone viral, tragically supported globally & by many Jews

More Articles from Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis
Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis

Money comes and goes but its love, commitment, warmth, and kindness that make a family a family.

Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis

To my dismay, I’ve seen that shidduch candidates with money become ALL desirable traits for marriage

Zaidie’s legacy of smiles and loving words was all but buried with him, now the family fights over $

Jewish survival in a dysfunctional world requires women assuming the role Hashem gave them at Sinai

In every generation is the challenge to purge the culture of our exile from our minds and our hearts

His mother called “Yoni, Yoni!” Her eyes, a moment earlier dark with pain, shone with joy and hope

Pesach bonds families and generations: “So that you may relate it to your son and your son’s son.

Amalek’s hate never dies; its descendants are eternal & omnipresent; Hashem is our only protection

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/judaism/rebbetzins-viewpointrebbetzin-jungreis/why-cant-i-get-married-continued-4/2010/03/17/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: