web analytics
August 20, 2014 / 24 Av, 5774
Israel at War: Operation Protective Edge
 
 
At a Glance
Judaism
Sponsored Post
Jerusalem Mayor Nir Barkat (L) visits the JewishPress.com booth at The Event. And the Winners of the JewishPress.com Raffle Are…

Congratulations to all the winners of the JewishPress.com raffle at The Event



Why Can’t I Get Married? (Part Five)


Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis

Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis

As promised, I will now try to offer some recommendations on how to find “Mr./Ms. Right.” Some years ago, an attractive young non-observant woman whom I shall refer to as “Kelly” came to consult me regarding a shidduch.

“Tell me,” I said, “What are you looking for?”

“What am I looking for?” she repeated pensively. “Nothing complicated – just a nice, quality guy. Although sometimes I wonder whether he exists.”

“Of course he does,” I assured her, “but your definition of quality may not be realistic.”

“What do you mean?”

“Let me share with you an incident that occurred some years ago at one of our Hineni classes and you’ll understand.

“A young woman approached me. She was truly beautiful and many in our group recognized her since she was a television personality. She too told me, ‘I’m looking for a quality person,’ and when I challenged her to explain exactly what she meant by quality, she enumerated five musts on which she was not willing to compromise.

“1. Good looking – ‘Looks are important,’ she explained. ‘There has to be a certain chemistry.’

“2. Bright – ‘Someone who is well educated, but also has street smarts.’

“3. Wealthy – ‘He has to support me in the lifestyle to which I have become accustomed. At this stage of my life, I can’t go backwards!’

“4. A great personality and good sense of humor – ‘I have no patience for moody people. I like a man who is fun and with whom I can have a good laugh,’ – and finally,

“5. Someone who is athletic – ‘I love tennis.’ ”

“Good luck to her,” Kelly said, laughing. “That would take five different guys all wrapped into one!”

“That’s exactly what I said, but I also told her that her ‘big five’ was a bunch of ‘zeroes’ and did not add up to anything.”

“Why?” Kelly asked.

“Simple – ‘zeroes’ don’t add up to anything unless there is a digit in front of them.”

Kelly looked at me quizzically, so I repeated, “Five ‘zeroes’ without a digit in front of them, are what we call in Yiddish, ‘Gurnisht Mit Gurnisht’ – G.M.G. – nothing with nothing.”

“I don’t think that I’m obtuse, but I still don’t get it. What digit are you referring to, Rebbetzin?”

“A Torah digit – the first letter of the Torah, which is ‘B’ – ‘Bet’, and the last letter of the Torah which is ‘L’ – Lamed. Those two letters spell ‘lev’ – heart. If he doesn’t have a good heart, then his good looks will become repulsive overnight; his sharp mind and wit will be used to abuse and denigrate you; his wealth will control and manipulate you; and his ‘great personality’ will eclipse and suffocate yours. As for tennis, I told her, “You can always get him a trainer! But how will you train him to acquire a good heart?’”

“So, how do you train someone to have a good heart?” Kelly now asked.

“Finding a good-hearted person is no simple matter,” I told her. “As much as we would like to believe that, basically, we are all good people with a few ‘shtick’ here and there, the truth is that we are not so good, and we have to learn goodness.

“It is written in the Torah that ‘The heart of a man is wicked from his youth’ (Genesis, 8:21).

“We are born seeing only our own needs and must be taught to be sensitive to the concerns of others. This training must start at a tender age. Early on, children must be conditioned to be giving, to be patient, to be considerate, and to be kind. Even simple words like ‘thank you’ and ‘please’ must be taught and are not to be taken for granted – as evidenced by their absence from the vocabulary of so many adults.

“Unfortunately, in many homes, these values are never imparted. Often, parents regard inappropriate behavior as ‘cute’ or something that their children will outgrow. There are also those parents who have no clue as to what constitutes a ‘good heart.’ They raise their children without teaching the disciplines that foster goodness. So it is that there are so many obnoxious adults.”

“But can’t you acquire these disciplines later in life?” Kelly asked.

“Of course you can,” I assured her, “but it’s very difficult to un-learn ingrained character traits. And for a spouse to undo them is virtually impossible. No one should marry in the hope of changing the other. The best we can do is to change ourselves.”

“I wish that I could disagree with you,” Kelly sighed. “I guess I had to learn the hard way. I went out with some of those difficult obnoxious guys, and believe me, they robbed me of many good years. It was only after I suffered much pain and disappointment that I discovered what they were all about. But how can I prevent this from happening in the future? How can I know that the man that I am dating has a ‘good heart’ before I invest all that time?”

Kelly’s question should be of primary concern to all singles. Indeed, how can you tell?

While there is no silver bullet that can offer guarantees, there are nevertheless guidelines that we can follow that can assure us that we did our hishtadlus – due diligence – to ensure that the most important decision of our lives was being made on a solid foundation. What these guidelines constitute, I will, B’Ezrat Hashem, discuss in my next column.

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Why Can’t I Get Married? (Part Five)”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
James Foley and his Islamic State executioner.
ISIS Beheadings Mark Declared War on the United States
Latest Judaism Stories
Azrielli Tower - Shema Yisrael

A bit of (non-Jewish) history can help us understand this week’s Torah portion: In the early 1500s, the Catholic church was being fundamentally challenged by movements which claimed it had monopolized religious power and used to enrich the church and its officials. The most radical of these movements were a particular sect of Anabaptists. Anabaptists […]

Leff-081514

“When a mother plays with her child there is an acute awareness of the child. But even when the mother works at a job or is distracted by some other activity, there is a natural, latent awareness of her child’s existence.

Business-Halacha-logo

“Guess what?” Benzion exclaimed when he returned home. “I just won an identical Mishnah Berurah in the avos u’banim raffle.”

The-Shmuz

While it’s clear to you and to me that a 14,000-pound creature can easily break away from the light ropes holding it, the reality is that it cannot.

An Outcast
‘He Shall Dwell Outside His Tent’
(Moed Katan 7b)

Question: The Gemara in Berachot states that the sages authored our prayers. Does that mean we didn’t pray beforehand?

Menachem
Via Email

Based on the opinion of the Ramban, the Territorial School believes that leaving any territory of the Land of Israel in the possession of non-Jews is a violation of a biblical mandate.

“But they told me to come in today,” she said. They gave me this date months ago. It’s not my fault if it’s the wrong day.”

Tosafos there takes issue with Rashi’s view that the letters that are formed in the knots of the tefillin are considered part of the name of Hashem.

Blind obedience is not a virtue in Judaism. God wants us to understand the laws He has commanded us

What does Hashem want of us? That we should protect each other and the awesome heritage He gave us.

Israel is the only place where we have the potential to fulfill our mandate as the chosen people.

The innkeeper smiled and replied, “Why do you think we are dancing? We are dancing because G-d destroyed the Bais HaMikdash!”

One of the manifestations of the immature person is a sense of entitlement.

More Articles from Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis
Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis

What does Hashem want of us? That we should protect each other and the awesome heritage He gave us.

Gratitude=Great Attitude. Appreciation is always appropriate.

The two words “thank you” have no time expiration; even if spoken after many years they’re as potent as ever.

Let us shake the heavens. Let us not stop until our boys and all our people are liberated from bondage.

Loving-kindness can cure the anger and bitterness in our poisonous world.

The Hebrew word for coincidence is mikreh, which comes from “karah min Hashem – it happened from G-d.”

Saying “thank you” to people to whom we are indebted is humbling – especially if we’ve been raised in a culture of entitlement.

    Latest Poll

    Do you think the FAA ban on US flights to Israel is political?






    View Results

    Loading ... Loading ...

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/judaism/rebbetzins-viewpointrebbetzin-jungreis/why-cant-i-get-married-continued-4/2010/03/17/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: