web analytics
May 23, 2013 /14 Sivan, 5773
At a Glance ▼
Sections
Sponsored Post
The Tosfos Yomtov was convinced that the death of 300,000 –600,000 Jews during the Chmielnicki massacres of 1648-49 were because of improper Tefila. Communicated: Tefilla

Chillul Tefila Bifarhesia, as well as halachicly challenged verbiage and dress, are external manifestations of a critical lack of personal yiras shomayim which has lethal consequences.



It’s Never Too Late

tell a friend
Respler-012712

Dear Dr. Yael:

I love your column, but I’ve read enough about the husband who wants to daven vasikin and the in-laws who feel that their married children do not express hakaras hatov to them. What about addressing the singles who love to read your column and want to read something about relationships? But instead of complaining to you, I would like you to answer my question.

I am a single, attractive woman in her late 30s who is in a good profession. I want to get married and have children, but realize that my biological clock is ticking. While I go out with all different types of men, I find that as I get older the men who are suggested to me seem to be even older. Suddenly a 10-year, or greater, difference (with the man being older) does not seem to faze the shadchanim or anyone who knows me. This includes my married friends, family and others.

It appears to me that it is a man’s world. The men can get it all – especially if they are well off and have a good business or career. Only recently I heard that a 58-year-old man, who was never married, got married to a 40-year-old attractive woman. That is an 18-year difference!

Why do the men have it all? I have even heard of men who were married for almost forty years, had great marriages, experienced the passing of their wives – and then marry women much younger than them. I feel so lost in this single world, and look back at so many opportunities that I passed up because I thought the man was not good enough for me. They all seem to be happily married to other women – with families of their own.

People often blame the parents of the single person, but my wonderful, happily married parents have always loved and supported me. In fact, in my case most of the men I have dated do not seem to measure up to my amazing, financially successful father, who is also a ben Torah and great husband and who I love dearly.

Can someone be too picky because she or he has an incredible father, and parents who have a great marriage?  Do you think I missed my zivug because I compared every man to my father and every relationship to my parents’ marriage? I know that, generally speaking, the reason people have problems getting married is because they had problems concerning their family of origin. However, in my situation I come from a loving home and all my siblings have excellent marriages.

I feel so alone, since I am the only one in my family who is not married. Please tell me if you think I missed my zivug.

                                                                                            Desperate Single Woman  

Dear Desperate Single Woman:

I hear your pain, but do not have a simple answer to your complex situation. I will, however, attempt to answer your question as best I can.

I have witnessed situations where a woman or man from an amazing family compares her or his dates to their amazing father or mother, and as a result might often reject a potential shidduch. Since I have no ruach ha’Kadosh, I do not know if in fact you let go of your zivug. However, I would like you to now focus on finding your true zivug b’karov.

Perhaps you should change your list of requirements and look for what is most important in order for a marriage to work. Instead of looking for looks, money, power, career accomplishments, etc. in a husband, maybe you should look for middos and for someone who will be a loving husband and who will help you build a true bayis full of warmth and love. While you may see a man who is not so “cool” as a negative, this man may actually be a great person with solid middos, a humble man with no need to be the center of attention. A quiet, caring person may actually make a better husband than the witty guy (the one with the great jokes and good lines) who always needs to be the center of attention. It would be prudent for you to step outside the box and try to find someone who may not fit all of your criteria, but might possess the characteristics that would make him a great husband and father.

I therefore suggest that you redo your personal list of “musts” in a shidduch, and rethink what your true needs are. You should not make these decisions based on what looks good to your friends and family. Instead, you need to examine what is desired to make you happy and what it will take to build a home full of respect, warmth and love. If you feel that professional help is required to sort out these issues, seek that help. Don’t worry about whether it is a man’s world. You seem to have a lot going for you, so put your best foot forward and try your best to change your approach in finding your zivug. Hatzlachah in your journey, and I hope that you find your true zivug b’karov.

tell a friend

About the Author:


You might also be interested in:


no comments

You must log in to post a comment.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Minister Yaakov Perry, (Yesh Atid, on the left), with Minister Limor Livnat, (Likud, second from left) visit Haredi soldiers serving in the Israeli Air Force, April 23, 2013.
Perry Committee Haredi Recruitment Plan: Sanctions on Draft Dodgers
Latest Sections Stories
Respler-052413
Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Dear Dr. Yael:

Do you really believe that the Internet is the reason why the divorce rate is so high among young couples? This may be so in some cases, but what about the fact that many singles are pressured to get married at a young age despite not having any idea what they are looking for in a mate? And add to that the fact that many are pressured to make a decision about marriage after dating for a very short period of time.

Neuman-Rabbi-M-Gary
Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

From the moment they stand under the chuppah, newlyweds have two years to enjoy the special bliss that new love brings. This new finding, reported by the New York Times, is based on a study undertaken by American and European researchers. 1,761 people who got married and stayed married over 15 years were followed. The research shows that after two years the couples moved into a more companionable state in their relationships.

Schonfeld-logo1
Sections → Family → Parenting Our Children

Shel Silverstein’s 1974 poem “Where The Sidewalk Ends” is intended to paint a magical picture of a world of peace and serenity far away from the “black and dark streets.” At the time, perhaps the end of the sidewalk was a place that was “measured and slow.” Today, however, for many parents, where the sidewalk ends can feel like a scary place.

Sections → Community → South Florida

Florida is famous for sparkling water. We have the beautiful Atlantic Ocean and Gulf of Mexico surrounding our coast. We have bays, lakes, canals and, of course, an incredible abundance of swimming pools in homes, resorts, apartment complexes and city parks.

Sections → Community → South Florida

The buzz is back as Camp Gan Israel Florida Overnight gears up for another fantastic summer, CGI Florida style. What makes CGI Florida so different from all the other overnight camps? It’s all in the details.

Sections → Magazine → Teens and Twenties

Leah Katz, a TeenZone camper at Oorah’s TheZone summer camp and an 11th grader at Midwood High School, read her winning essay about how TheZone changed her views on Judaism at the Jewish Heritage Awards Ceremony held at Brooklyn District Attorney Charles Hynes’s office in April. The purpose of the Jewish Heritage Essay Contest is to acquaint public school students with Jewish history and customs and to help foster a deeper understanding of Jewish culture. The contest is open to students of all ethnic and religious backgrounds. Leah’s essay is reproduced in full below.

Sections → Jewess Press → Impact Of Women On Jewish History/Prof. L. Jackson

Moshe Sharett, the head of the Jewish Agency’s Political Department, visited Egypt in 1945. In Cairo he met a most remarkable young woman, a beautiful journalist who was the darling of Egyptian high society – from high-ranking military brass, to culture icons and Muslim sheikhs, to the court of King Faruk.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

The two proceeded to talk about everyday things and surprisingly her mother-in-law did not find anything else to criticize. This occurred a few more times, with my client changing the topic every time by complimenting her mother-in-law or mentioning something positive about her.

Sections → Family → Parenting Our Children

There is always a lot of confusion surrounding sensory processing disorder – mainly because there are many different diagnoses that fall under the catch-all phrase sensory processing disorder (SPD). Among them are three specific subcategories:

Sections → Family

The doctor had warned us that even if we did everything right and followed the protocol after the follicle was of the right size, there was no guarantee of success. Fertilization still had to occur, and just like couples do not necessarily become pregnant every month, we had no way to know if we were actually expecting for two full weeks.

More Articles from Dr. Yael Respler
Respler-052413
Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Dear Dr. Yael:

Do you really believe that the Internet is the reason why the divorce rate is so high among young couples? This may be so in some cases, but what about the fact that many singles are pressured to get married at a young age despite not having any idea what they are looking for in a mate? And add to that the fact that many are pressured to make a decision about marriage after dating for a very short period of time.

Respler-Yael
Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

The two proceeded to talk about everyday things and surprisingly her mother-in-law did not find anything else to criticize. This occurred a few more times, with my client changing the topic every time by complimenting her mother-in-law or mentioning something positive about her.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Dear Dr Yael:

During a shiur on Pirkei Avos, a rabbi admired by my husband spoke about how some people begrudge others certain things. He mentioned the “D” word (without saying the word itself), and I think he said it was an illness talked about in the Gemara. He said that people suffering from this “machalah shachor” (dark illness) should live in a desert with the wild animals. My assumption was that the person would be left to die there.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Instead of putting it all on the men, saying for example that they are “trained” by “society” to feel, think and behave as they do, perhaps you could have encouraged these self-described happily-married women to look in the mirror and try to figure out why their husbands seem to act insensitively toward them.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

My friend forwarded this letter and I am sharing it with you, my readers as it concerns an issue that affects many in the “sandwich generation.”

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Dear Dr. Yael:

I am trying, over the Internet, to find programs for my son that are geared toward helping people strengthen their emunah and bitachon. Thus far, I have been unsuccessful. Do you know of any sites I can visit?

Anonymous

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

He needs to have a different ring for his work number in order to be able to ignore all other incoming calls and message alerts. This will give him the opportunity to only speak on the phone or retrieve texts when it is absolutely necessary to do so.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

To this day, all the returned items remain in my parent’s possession. Baruch Hashem, this was the beginning of a very close and wonderful relationship between my parents and these machatanim – on that continues until today.

    Latest Poll

    Which is the most beautiful location in Jerusalem?









    View Results

    Loading ... Loading ...

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/its-never-too-late/2012/01/26/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online:

Related posts:

  1. Must One Honor His In-Laws?
  2. Staten Island
Close