web analytics
March 1, 2015 / 10 Adar , 5775
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post


It’s Never Too Late

Respler-012712

Dear Dr. Yael:

I love your column, but I’ve read enough about the husband who wants to daven vasikin and the in-laws who feel that their married children do not express hakaras hatov to them. What about addressing the singles who love to read your column and want to read something about relationships? But instead of complaining to you, I would like you to answer my question.

I am a single, attractive woman in her late 30s who is in a good profession. I want to get married and have children, but realize that my biological clock is ticking. While I go out with all different types of men, I find that as I get older the men who are suggested to me seem to be even older. Suddenly a 10-year, or greater, difference (with the man being older) does not seem to faze the shadchanim or anyone who knows me. This includes my married friends, family and others.

It appears to me that it is a man’s world. The men can get it all – especially if they are well off and have a good business or career. Only recently I heard that a 58-year-old man, who was never married, got married to a 40-year-old attractive woman. That is an 18-year difference!

Why do the men have it all? I have even heard of men who were married for almost forty years, had great marriages, experienced the passing of their wives – and then marry women much younger than them. I feel so lost in this single world, and look back at so many opportunities that I passed up because I thought the man was not good enough for me. They all seem to be happily married to other women – with families of their own.

People often blame the parents of the single person, but my wonderful, happily married parents have always loved and supported me. In fact, in my case most of the men I have dated do not seem to measure up to my amazing, financially successful father, who is also a ben Torah and great husband and who I love dearly.

Can someone be too picky because she or he has an incredible father, and parents who have a great marriage?  Do you think I missed my zivug because I compared every man to my father and every relationship to my parents’ marriage? I know that, generally speaking, the reason people have problems getting married is because they had problems concerning their family of origin. However, in my situation I come from a loving home and all my siblings have excellent marriages.

I feel so alone, since I am the only one in my family who is not married. Please tell me if you think I missed my zivug.

                                                                                            Desperate Single Woman  

Dear Desperate Single Woman:

I hear your pain, but do not have a simple answer to your complex situation. I will, however, attempt to answer your question as best I can.

I have witnessed situations where a woman or man from an amazing family compares her or his dates to their amazing father or mother, and as a result might often reject a potential shidduch. Since I have no ruach ha’Kadosh, I do not know if in fact you let go of your zivug. However, I would like you to now focus on finding your true zivug b’karov.

Perhaps you should change your list of requirements and look for what is most important in order for a marriage to work. Instead of looking for looks, money, power, career accomplishments, etc. in a husband, maybe you should look for middos and for someone who will be a loving husband and who will help you build a true bayis full of warmth and love. While you may see a man who is not so “cool” as a negative, this man may actually be a great person with solid middos, a humble man with no need to be the center of attention. A quiet, caring person may actually make a better husband than the witty guy (the one with the great jokes and good lines) who always needs to be the center of attention. It would be prudent for you to step outside the box and try to find someone who may not fit all of your criteria, but might possess the characteristics that would make him a great husband and father.

I therefore suggest that you redo your personal list of “musts” in a shidduch, and rethink what your true needs are. You should not make these decisions based on what looks good to your friends and family. Instead, you need to examine what is desired to make you happy and what it will take to build a home full of respect, warmth and love. If you feel that professional help is required to sort out these issues, seek that help. Don’t worry about whether it is a man’s world. You seem to have a lot going for you, so put your best foot forward and try your best to change your approach in finding your zivug. Hatzlachah in your journey, and I hope that you find your true zivug b’karov.

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “It’s Never Too Late”

Comments are closed.

Current Top Story
Hamas terrorists manage  to find their way to the Temple Mount in Jerusalem as well.
Egypt Formally Designates Hamas as Terrorist Entity
Latest Sections Stories
Golan Wine Medals

‘Double Gold’ awarded to 2012 Yarden Heights wine & 2011 Yarden Merlot Kela Single Vineyard.

Niehaus-022715

One should not give the money before Purim morning or after sunset.

Mendlowitz-022715-Basket

The mishloach manos of times gone by were sometimes simple and sometimes elaborate, but the main focus was on the preparation of the delicious food they contained.

Astaire-022715-Countryside

One of the earliest special Purims we have on record was celebrated by the Jews of Granada and Shmuel HaNagid, the eleventh-century rav, poet, soldier and statesman, and one of the most influential Jews in Muslim Spain.

Jews, wake up! Stop educating the world and start educating yourselves.

The lessons conform to the sensitivities and needs of the Orthodox community…

The program took on special significance as it marked not only the first anniversary of Rebbetzin Kudan’s levayah but also the 27th yahrzeit of Rebbetzin Chaya Mushka Schneerson, a”h.

It captures the love of the Jewish soul as only Shlomo Hamelech could portray it – and as only Rabbi Miller could explain it.

Erudite and academic, drawing from ancient and modern sources, the book can be discussed at the Shabbos table as well as in kollel.

I’m here to sit next to you and help you through this Purim with three almost-too-easy mishloach manot ideas, all made with cost-conscious paper bags.

Kids want to be like their friends, and they want to give and get “normal” mishloach manos stocked with store-bought treats.

Whenever he did anything loving for me, I made a big deal about it.

“OMG, it’s so cute, you’re so cute, everything is so cute.”

A program that started with a handful of volunteers has grown exponentially to include students from a wider array of backgrounds.

More Articles from Dr. Yael Respler
Respler-022015

Whenever he did anything loving for me, I made a big deal about it.

Respler-021315

She says that they are our children and since she brings in half, or sometimes more than half of our parnassah, we need to be full partners in their chinuch.

I surprise my wife with gifts, large and small.

They are like children keeping count of who changed how many diapers each day.

I find his mother to be a difficult person and my nature is to stay away from people like that.

Often both girls and boys compare their date to their parents.

The Moroccan wife’s chief pride is showing that she ought to win the prize for the most attentive and solicitous spouse and mother.

Both parties need to become more tolerant of one another.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/its-never-too-late/2012/01/26/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: