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The Road Map To A Happy Marriage

Schonbuch-Rabbi-Daniel

Negative behavior: threats, attacks, sarcasm, rudeness — How do you perceive your spouse’s behavior? What are their inner feelings?

Negative behavior: defensiveness, shyness, withdrawn, uncommunicative —How do you perceive your spouse’s behavior? What are their inner feelings?

Negative behavior: judging, criticizing, disapproving — How do you perceive your spouse’s behavior? What are their inner feelings?

Here are some possible answers

Negative behavior: threats, attacks, sarcasm, rudeness — How do you perceive your spouse’s behavior? Obnoxious, hostile, aggressive. What are their inner feelings? Hurt, anxious, embarrassed, fearful.

Negative behavior: defensiveness, shyness, withdrawn, uncommunicative —How do you perceive your spouse’s behavior? Rejecting, suspicious, mistrustful, apprehensive.

What are their inner feelings? Angry, resentful, insecure, disappointed.

Negative behavior: judging, criticizing, disapproving — How do you perceive your spouse’s behavior? Resentful, bitter, indignant. What are their inner feelings? Overly self-critical, insecure, angry.

If you’re good at reading between the lines, you’ll notice that outer expressions of anger and sadness often emerge from inner feelings of insecurity or discontent. Think about the stresses in your life that cause you to be cranky, upset or just miserable to be around. Feelings of rejection are often scrambled in our inner world and then dished out at others who just happen to get in our way. All of us have days when we get upset at the people closest to us, but usually it is just that we are upset by other circumstances such as getting yelled at by our boss, receiving a parking ticket or missing the bus. For a marriage to succeed, you need to know when your wife or husband is just having a bad day or if other “inner world” need are not being met.

Let’s take a look at some of the issues that can guide you through your spouse’s inner world. They include:

* Self Esteem
* Individuality
* Love and Friendship
* Control
* Spirituality

In the following weeks we will explore these five levels and utilize a new test to help you identify your level of “relationship” intelligence with your spouse and ways you can improve your marriage.

About the Author: Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, MA, Marriage and Family Therapy, is an expert in marriage counseling, pre-marital education, and helping teens in crisis with offices in Flatbush, Cedarhurst, and Crown Heights. He is a certified PAIRS instructor, and trained as a Level 1, Emotionally Focused Therapist at the Ackerman Institute for the Family, and is a member of AASECT. He is the author of At Risk – Never Beyond Reach and First Aid For Jewish Marriages. To watch his free videos on marriage and parenting and for appointments visit: www.JewishMarriageSupport.com or call 646-428-4723


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One Response to “The Road Map To A Happy Marriage”

  1. Great article! This post is very interesting and helpful for couples. I am glad to have read this article. -http://www.greensboro-counseling.com/

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Separation anxiety disorder is a condition in which a child becomes fearful and nervous when away from home or separated from a loved one – usually a parent or other caregiver – to whom the child is attached.

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I try to focus on the parents in a way that is not often addressed. As soon as the child gets anxious, the parent gets anxious;

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Parental conflict affects children in varying ways, depending on their age. For example, teenagers around the age of fifteen or sixteen are most likely to involve themselves in their parents’ battles. Younger children may keep their feelings hidden inside and may only show signs of depression in late childhood or early adolescence.

When parents come to talk to me about a troubled child or teenager, I often find it helpful to explore whether or not their marriage is causing their teenager to be at risk.

Active listening is only one part of the marriage equation; learning what to say and what not to say is the other half. And, it’s not just about expressing your feelings, but doing it in a way that avoids hurting the other person.

Control may be the most destructive force influencing a marriage. Let me illustrate this point with the following story. About two years ago a woman named Bracha, 47, came to speak to me about her husband’s controlling behavior. This is how she described her precarious situation:

Controlling behavior may be the number one reason that your marriage needs first aid.

If you are unfamiliar with the topic of control, it’s no surprise. Most people are unaware that control is a major issue for counselors, therapists and psychologists-at-large.

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Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/the-road-map-to-a-happy-marriage-2/2012/11/22/

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