web analytics
August 28, 2014 / 2 Elul, 5774
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
Jerusalem Mayor Nir Barkat (L) visits the JewishPress.com booth at The Event. And the Winners of the JewishPress.com Raffle Are…

Congratulations to all the winners of the JewishPress.com raffle at The Event



A Validating Experience (Part IV)


Family-logo

What does it mean to be validated? In what areas of life can one expect to be validated? What attitude, behaviors or actions convey a message (or feeling) to someone that s/he is being validated? How does one validate, or invalidate? What benefits are there to validating and being validated – in the short term as well as long term?

Some of these questions were addressed in the first three parts of this series. We processed the shivah experience of Reb Yochanan ben Zakai upon the death of his son. Why he was consoled by only one of his disciples and not the other four was the focus of a discussion on validating the bereaved. We also viewed Hashem’s validation of Adam’s predicament and needs. Despite Adam’s unsuitable and immature means of “asking” for that which he concluded was a necessity, Hashem ignored his attitude and provided him with a mate.

In this final segment, we will discuss the ins and outs of validation and invalidation, and conclude with a Torah thought that will fine-tune the subject.

Some people believe when they validate someone, they are, in fact, agreeing with or supporting that person’s thoughts and/or behaviors. And while it is possible to come to that logical conclusion, in truth, that assertion is inaccurate. Validation does not mean to agree with someone.

Webster’s dictionary defines validate as to confirm, recognize, or illustrate the worthiness or legitimacy of. Wikipedia adds: to communicate that others’ opinions are acknowledged, respected, heard, and [regardless whether or not the listener actually agrees with the content], they are being treated with genuine respect as a legitimate expression of their feelings rather than [their feelings] being dismissed.

Let’s move to a broader perspective which will also answer some of the above questions. As you read the following verses, note, and consider the diverse ways in which we are invalidated and also validated.

When our feelings are negated and diminished

When our thoughts are judged and rejected

When our decisions are scorned and spurned

When our opinions are shunned and ignored

These are the times when we are being invalidated!

When our predicament is disregarded

When our situation is dismissed

When our position is devalued

When our needs arediscounted

These are the scenarios in which we are being invalidated!

When our mood is unappreciated and overlooked

When our space is imposed upon and invaded

When our privacy is infringed upon and violated

When our boundaries are encroached upon and trespassed

These are the areas where we are being invalidated!

When, as a child, we are distressed over the suffering of a parent,

be it physically

When, as a parent, we are anguished over the misery of a child,

be it emotionally

When, as a spouse, we are besieged by the pain of our soul-mate,

be it mentally

When, as a human being, we grieve over the loss of a loved one

Most certainly, there is a need to be validated!

There is a need for compassion and empathy.

There is a need to be listened to and understood.

There is a need to be accepted ‘as we are.’

There is a need to be comforted and consoled.

There is a need to be nurtured and supported,

To be respected,

To be acknowledged,

To be affirmed.

There is a need to feel and be connected.

There is a need to belong.

“Invalidation goes beyond mere rejection by implying not only that our feelings are disapproved of, but there is something wrong with us because we are not like everyone else; we are strange; we are different; we are weird. None of this feels good, and all of it damages us. When someone tells us, ‘Don’t feel that way,’ it is akin to telling water it should not be wet, or grass, it should not be green. Our feelings are real, whether or not someone likes or understands them. And when someone tries to stop us from feeling the way we do, that individual is being unrealistic as well as controlling.” *

I wonder how many of the following invalidating expressions look familiar and resonate with you. As you think about them, notice the possibility of viewing them as

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “A Validating Experience (Part IV)”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Chief Hezbollah terrorist Hassan Nasrallah.
Israeli Arabs Arrested for Lebanon Ties
Latest Sections Stories
Itzhak Perlman and Cantor Yitzchak Meir Helfgot together in concert.

Almost immediately the audience began singing and clapping and continued almost without stop throughout the rest of the concert.

Mordechai-082214-Armoire

As of late, vintage has definitely been in vogue in the Orthodox community.

Einhorn-082214-Water

Stroll through formal gardens, ride mountain bikes, or go rock climbing.

As they fall upon us we go
To the WALL.

One minute you’re shaving shwarma off a pit, then the shwarma guy tells you he read a (fake) WhatsApp that the boys are dead.

I probe a little deeper and Shula takes me into the world of phantom pains and prosthetic limbs.

This went on until she had immersed eighty times, and then Hashem at last took pity upon her.

Because Menachem lives in Israel, he can feel the ruach in the air.

Perhaps you can reach a compromise during this news frenzy, whereby you will feel more comfortable while he can still follow the latest events.

Leon experienced the War of Independence from a soldier’s perspective, while remaining true to his Jewish ideals and beliefs.

Chabad of Arizona centers recently hosted an evening of remembrance to mark the 20th yahrzeit of the Lubavitcher Rebbe.

More Articles from Debbie Brown
Family-logo

Having parented a struggling adolescent for several years, Yael was expecting that life would be different for her now twenty-year old son. She was, and still is, an excellent student, diligently applying the tools she has been gaining in our coaching sessions. Harmony and peace has returned to her home, and the relationship (with her son) she was working on mending has become a reality. Admittedly, she attributes the restored relationship to a parenting methodology she has undertaken — the love-tough approach.

Family-logo

Toxic Language Tishrei — and the yom tov pattern returns! Of which pattern am I speaking, you ask? If we were to identify the main aspects of each of the holidays during this month, generally speaking, and in rather simplistic behavioral terms, the pattern of the night and following day might look something along the […]

Recently, I asked a family friend, a financial advisor, to share with me his perspective on the importance of rapport in the world of sales. In a general way, I knew that successful salespeople maintain good rapport with their clients. And so I was curious. Was the need for developing rapport in business any different than doing so in a parent-child relationship? To that end, I posed the following questions: “How do you establish rapport with a new client? And what do you believe is a key issue to creating rapport?

A political figure refuses to comment on a current news story in which he is involved.. In the hope of avoiding a scuffle with her parents, a teenager, who has broken curfew, quietly opens up the front door. As she makes a mad dash to her room, she tries to avoid being noticed and questioned. In both situations, a lack of communication may be perceived as failure on the part of the individual to take responsibility for his/her actions, and/or an admission of guilt. In such cases when the person does not say yes, the message being conveyed to others can be perceived as noby default, and vice versa.

The Meaning of The Communication Is The Response It Elicits

In most homes, as women prepare to join the Seder (hopefully, somewhat rested), the anticipatory anxiety associated with the “P” word (pre-Pesach angst) is no longer. The cleaning, preparations, shopping and cooking are now a thing of the past. And finally, the Hagaddah’s legacy of yetzias Mitzrayim (exodus from Egypt) takes front stage.

What does it mean to be validated? In what areas of life can one expect to be validated? What attitude, behaviors or actions convey a message (or feeling) to someone that s/he is being validated? How does one validate, or invalidate? What benefits are there to validating and being validated – in the short term as well as long term?

In the first two parts of this four-part series, we discussed the need to validate someone who is mourning the loss of a loved one. Utilizing a Rabbinic illustration, we presented the story of Rav Yochanan ben Zakai when he sat shivah for his son. The focus was on his receiving consolation: why he received comfort from his one student, Rav Elazer ben Aruch, and not from his other four students. Now let us move to a Biblical backdrop as we continue.

    Latest Poll

    Do you think the FAA ban on US flights to Israel is political?






    View Results

    Loading ... Loading ...

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/parenting-our-children/a-validating-experience-part-iv/2010/02/03/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: