Tag: behavior

This lap-sized hardcover is something for parents and children to read to each other. Rhyming verses tell the adorable story of Sam McKay, a little boy convinced that his parents are partying when he's under his bedtime blanket. He routinely fights off bedtime with a yawn as he envisions how much fun the adults might be having downstairs.

Over the last two weeks we have been discussing one way in which well spouses can determine whether behavior displayed by their ill partners is caused by their illness or is a way they have chosen to act. We have focused on Psycho-Neurological testing, what it can tell us, as well as its pros and cons.

Last week I discussed a question that haunts many well spouses: not knowing if the difficult and often inappropriate behavior frequently displayed by their partners are caused by the disease and therefore not-controllable, or if the behavior is a choice the spouse makes and can therefore be changed. This doubt can be the source of much frustration and many marital disagreements. One way of alleviating this doubt is by having a psycho- neurological work up done. But that path is not so simple.

Many well spouses have written to say that their partners' behaviors has changed drastically, making life very difficult for the entire family. "What in my spouse's behavior is choice and what is a result of the illness and beyond my partner's control?" It is a question that tortures many spouses of the chronically ill.

While once it may have seemed possible to shelter our children from inappropriate exposure to sexuality, today it seems to be an impossible goal. While some families have been successful in insulating their children from the Internet, movies, and other harmful aspects of secular culture, many families have not been as successful. And, even those parents have made every effort to appropriately safeguard their children may find themselves unhappily surprised at what they have been exposed to by their friends. In addition, outdoor secular media such as billboards, bus ads and newspaper covers portray disturbingly graphic images that force us to confront the fact that our children are being exposed to ideas and ways of life we may consider to be harmful to their souls and their mental health.

After returning from a year of studying in seminary in Eretz Yisrael, Feigi was ready to join the "real world." Seminary had been a wonderful, spiritually uplifting experience, but now it was time to settle down, find a job, and think about what she wanted to do with the rest of her life. Feigi started job hunting. She had excellent credentials and was perfectly qualified to start a career in any of a variety of fields. Yet despite her intelligence and willingness to work, she was unable to focus on a clear sense of direction.

In preparation for the Yamim Noraim, last week I focused on Mitzvos bein Adam L'Chavero - interpersonal relationships that are often overlooked, such as the escalation of chutzpah, that has become emblematic of our society.

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At different points in their lives, many people will attempt to make behavioral changes. Whether the changes are temporary or lasting will depend greatly upon several factors. For example: Does the person want to change? Does the individual have the resources and knowledge to successfully make a lasting change? Is there anything preventing the person from changing? Then there is always the expected relapse. What factors will trigger a person's return to a former behavior?

In last week's column I responded to the mother/grandmother who wrote about the escalation of chutzpah on the part of the young vis-à-vis their parents. In my answer I suggested that we have adopted some 21st century attitudes that not only countenance this obstreperous behavior but actually endorse it. I also mentioned that while we may take certain consolation in knowing that our sages predicted what we are experiencing today, nevertheless, it does not mean that we of the Torah community should countenance it. Chutzpah toward parents/grandparents, teachers and elders in any shape or form is unacceptable.

In my last two columns I published a letter from a mother/grandmother who felt very saddened and discouraged at the shameless chutzpah that marks today's parent-child relationship. In the first segment of her letter, she cited the disrespectful conduct of children, and in the second, she gave examples of the deplorable behavior of young adults - even married couples.

In last week's column I published the first part of a letter written by one of our readers who related that this past year, circumstances had compelled her and her family to go away for Yom Tov, but she was terribly embarrassed by the behavior of many of the people in her group.

Dear Rebbetzin Jungreis: Once again, Yom Tov has come and gone. I was hoping that with all the things going on in the world, people would have learned something...or at least would want to change.

Controlling behavior may be the #1 reason that your marriage needs first aid. If you are unfamiliar with the topic of control, it’s no surprise. Most people are unaware that control is a major topic for counselors, therapists and psychologists-at-large, which until recently has not entered into the public’s attention.

Dear Mom and Dad, Yes, I am addressing you both in the same sentence, because even though you are divorced, to me you are still Mom and Dad. I just want you both to know how much I love you. Things have been really crazy and I need to get a few things off my chest. You being divorced has really been hard on me. I remember how you argued so much that most of the time I parented myself. I was so scared ... When you fought, I felt so invisible.

The last few articles have dealt with advice that an experienced caregiver can pass on to someone who is new at it. The articles were prompted by a letter I received from a former caregiver who was trying to help out a friend who recently found herself in a similar caregiving situation.

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In my case, the answer to the above question is, "Yes, too much pressure (in my case blood pressure) led me to indulge in not so smart (actually stupid) "avoidance" behavior.

Imagine a child on a bicycle speeding downhill. The world is whizzing by. The road takes a sudden curve. The wind whips his face and his eyes blur with tears. Suddenly, he spots a ditch up ahead. He tries to brake − but the brakes don't work! As the bike's momentum increases, it is all he can do to keep from flying off. Obstacles in his path cry out for his attention. Everything seems out of control. What chance does he have to avert the tractor-trailer heading right toward him?

Anyone who has been a parent for a while understands that children will most likely display imperfect behavior from time to time. But how do you determine if your child has a serious problem with her/his behavior, one that is more than just a passing phase of rebelliousness? And once you've properly assessed the condition, how do you go about treating it so that he/she can become a respectful and productive member of society?

Last week I wrote about Judy and Miriam, two women of different ages and experience, who were closer than mother and daughter until misunderstanding pushed them apart.

When Linda Loman sees that the only people attending her husband Willy's funeral are her sons Biff and Happy and neighbors Charley and Bernard, she wonders what happened to the multitude of mourners that Willy had always promised.

Crossing boarders always makes me nervous. Even though I do nothing wrong and always declare what I am carrying, I still feel unhinged.

While I'm on the subject of expectations...

I recently interviewed a grandfather who was a former well spouse.

Recently, I came across a talk show whose topic of discussion was about managing personal finances.

Dealing With Your Own Feelings

My day begins as a perfectly sunny, breezy, late summer morning. But then we meet.

In February of this year I interviewed and wrote the stories of well spouses who chose divorce as their means of coping with their spouses chronic illness.

I received a letter from a distraught mother and her daughter. After all the children were married, the mother took her elderly parent in to live with them.