One of the classes I give is a weekly parenting chaburah. Wonderful mothers who truly care about the chinuch of their children join together as we explore the ‘ins and outs’ of parenting 2023.
During a recent class, we began to discuss the many ways children try to get things out of their parents. They push and push. They whine and beg. They complain and blame. They grow sullen or defiant. It does not matter the age or stage. All the moms were expressing frustration.
“It’s so hard!” they exclaimed over and over again.
I cannot disagree. Parenting is one of the most difficult jobs a person can have.
The mistake we make is that after feeling drained from these encounters we mirror the child’s standoffish behavior. When they come home from school and barely mumble a hello, day after day, we stop trying to engage. When we see how they can talk for hours to friends but hardly give their parents (and grandparents) a hello, we grow hurt. They escape to their rooms or into their devices. We sigh and mutter under our breaths. Communication begins to break down. The bond between parent and child frays.
Someone needs to be the adult. Someone needs to break the pattern. The question is-who? Who will bring the relationship back to a place of love and connection?
Did you ever notice how a plant grows? It will twist and turn in all directions, seeking rays of the sun. A child does the same. He will seek out warmth and look for the source of light in his life. If he does not feel the varmkeit from you, his parent, he will try to find it in other places that make him feel loved and accepted.
One of the most important gifts you can give your child is the gift of love. ‘But of course my child knows that I love him! Don’t I do everything for him? Don’t I buy him all this ‘stuff’ he wants? What am I working for? What do I sweat for every day?’
To a child this is not the definition of love. A child needs to hear words of affection. A child needs to see actions that show we are here, no matter what, even in the most difficult times.
Unconditional love means that you are my cherished neshamala. You are a gift to me from Above. Yes, it is hard to draw upon this sentiment in the challenging times. But to carry life and bring the next dor of Am Yisrael to a place of hope and faith is a privilege that must be treasured.
Time passes us by so quickly. The house grows silent. We wish we could have a ‘do-over.’
I told the women that I’d like to leave them with a thought to hold onto.
I recall being at a simcha, holding my then-toddler at the time. He was having a meltdown and was stretched out on the floor, sobbing. My father came over and lifted my child up in his arms.
“Sheyfelah,” he said to me. “Never be too high to bend down and hear the cries of a child.”
Those words have remained with me till today. What an incredible parenting lesson I was given.
Baruch Hashem that toddler is now a father himself. And when he walks the parenting path, I know that he is accompanied by the love that has been transmitted to him through the years. He is still carried on my father’s broad shoulders. He knows that his zaidy left a legacy that raised him higher, embraced him, and brought him to a place of tenderness and warmth.
“Yes, it is hard,” I told these mothers. “But remember that long past the difficult moments are the memories that you’ve created. The times that you’ve bent down to hear the cries of your child. The days that you did not know how you found the strength to keep giving and yet, you put one foot in front of the other, opened your hearts, and gave all that you had left.”
We must only remember this lesson and daven that HKB”H grant us the strength and wisdom bend down and listen.
