Should one take sides in a family fight? If yes, under what circumstances?
When one takes sides in any dispute it is either because he/she has pre-determined that the one side is correct and thus loses all objectivity as an arbiter in any possible resolution of the dispute, or he has a clear bias either for the one side or a bias against the other side – and surely he eliminates himself from aiding in any possible resolution.
Family fights present a more difficult dynamic than an entanglement between those unrelated to you. When it comes to a disagreement between friends or neighbors, one may simply remove himself from the picture (and calmly let both sides know that he/she is there to talk to and advise with possible avenues of mediation).
The rabbi is presented with these challenges on occasion where a dispute arises between spouses or members of his congregation. If he can get the opposing sides to agree to mediation, how much better, especially for the rabbi who wishes to retain a positive influence over both sides.
Unfortunately, at times it will seem that one side has gone over the deep end in their accusations and there is a temptation for the rabbi or the layman to take sides.
In Scripture we find how there was a family fight between King Saul and his son-in-law King David. Jonathon, the heir presumptive to his father, King Saul, takes sides and surprisingly it is with his brother-in-law David and not his father. We all know where that went, resulting in the tragic death of both Saul and Jonathon.
Then there is the Biblical story of Jacob favoring Joseph over all his other sons; which actually precipitated their dispute and how that led to the servitude in Egypt.
It is important for one not to rush to judgment and keep an open mind, especially where one has to face those near and dear on a more frequent basis.
Today, we are so fortunate to have those professional or layman, much in the manner of Aharon, the High Priest, who are willing and able to mediate all types of disputes, family or business. We are best to avail ourselves of their services, thus bringing a sense of peace and tranquility to those in great need of such help.
– Rabbi Yaakov Klass is chairman of the Presidium of the Rabbinical Alliance of America; rav of Congregation K’hal Bnei Matisyahu in Flatbush, Brooklyn; and Torah Editor of The Jewish Press. He can be contacted at [email protected] and [email protected].
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Generally, one should not get involved in any dispute without hearing both sides of the story. Somehow it is a feature of human nature that a person automatically identifies and gives credibility to the first version presented to him. Chazal in their great wisdom cautioned against hearing one side without the presence of the other. At the very least, an outsider who wishes to help must know the entire story from both perspectives. Well-meaning people trying to help can sometimes cause irreversible damage to the party in the right.
After making a serious effort to become fully informed, there is a place for an outsider to be of assistance or source of support for loved ones. Obviously, a person must be careful not to fuel a fight and to avoid lashon hara; just because one side is acting in an unjustified way does not give a heter to malign them or discuss the issue unnecessarily.
We are taught in Pirkai Avos about the great mitzva of trying to emulate Aron Hakohen who was famous for his success in this arena. However, it takes a certain skill and level-headedness to fill that role.
– Rabbi Yehoshua Heber is rav of Khal Tomchai Torah at Yeshiva Torah Vodaath and Ddayan at Bdatz Mishptai Yisrael.
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It is very difficult to provide anything more than general guidelines regarding when one should take sides in a family fight. There is a mitzvah of tochacha, of trying to influence others to engage in proper behavior if we have the ability to do so. In fact, the gemara in Masechet Shabbat 54b states that anyone who has the ability to protest the behavior of his household and does not do so is held accountable for their sins. At the same time, the gemara in Masechet Yevamot 65b states that just as it’s a mitzvah to say something that will be heeded, it a mitzvah not to say something that won’t be heeded. After all, if the person won’t listen anyway, then our reproach may just cause unnecessary strife and tension. There are a number of seemingly conflicting gemarot regarding the extent to which we must try to influence others to engage in proper behavior and the Rishonim try to reconcile these gemarot in a coherent fashion. The Chafetz Chaim rules in the Mishnah Berurah (608:11) that we must try to do so up to the point when we believe that the other person will reprimand us.
As such, there is potentially much good and much harm that can be done when taking sides in a family fight. If you honestly believe that you can be influential, then taking sides could be effective in perhaps ending the family fight. If you honestly believe that you will not be influential, then taking sides could further exacerbate tensions. Another halachic mandate of “lo ta-amod al dam rei’acha,” of not standing by idly when you have the ability to prevent harm, could be at play here, but the analysis is the same. Whether you should take sides in a family fight depends on your honest belief in your effectiveness in directing a correct outcome in any given situation.
– Rabbi Jonathan Muskat is the rabbi of the Young Israel of Oceanside, a rebbe at Shulamith High School, and a pastoral health care liaison at Mount Sinai South Nassau.
