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Jew Marries Gorilla in Historic Ceremony

Jewzilla

Exclusive to The Jewish Press!

In a traditional Jewish wedding ceremony as lovely as they come, Professor Manny Grossman and his smiling bride, Gloria, became man and wife under a chupah of grape vines and bananas, on the spacious back lawn of the Golden Gate Temple in Marin County, California, where statues of Buddha, Jesus, Mohammed, and Moses are scattered around the beautiful gardens, and an award-winning fountain of drinkable Californian wine gushing forth from a boulder, and representing the well of Miriam, reminds congregants of their glorious Biblical past and Judaism’s brotherhood with the family of nations.  With the Golden Gate Bridge symbolically in the background, the nuptial union between the pioneer Jewish anthropologist and the stunning, white wedding-gowned gorilla marked a historic bridge between mankind and the world of the primates, and another one of Judaism’s great contributions to human culture. Rabbi Christine Christy, dynamic leader of California’s popular PDLR (Progressive Democratic Liberal Reform) Jewish Movement, and pulpit rabbi at the Golden Gate Temple, officiated at the tear-filled ceremony.

“I hereby pronounce you man and wife according to the tradition of Moses,” she declared, her voice cracking with emotion.

“If I forget you, O Jerusalem, if I not set Jerusalem over my highest joy,”  the tuxedoed groom affirmed, stepping on and shattering the traditional glass to the cheers and applaud of the overflowing crowd of university professors, doctors, scientists, and California legislators. At first, when the ecstatic bride let out a tremendous gorilla roar, a frightened hush fell over the crowd, but when the happy groom pounded his chest in a Tarzan-like call, everyone laughed. Hand-in-hand, husband and wife walked out to the center of the lawn where everyone joined in a festive hora, as the orchestra played a lively rendition of the famous song, “Tradition,” from “Fiddler on the Roof.”

“This is truly a historic occasion,” the proud rabbi exclaimed, saying she hopes to officiate at other inter-species marriages. “It puts an end to all racism, discrimination, and jingoistic talk of a ‘chosen nation,’ which has always separated the Jewish People from the brotherhood of man. Today, with their wedding, Manny and Gloria Grossman have proclaimed to the world that all the beings which God created are equal.”

Needless to say, the marriage ceremony was not without its share of controversy. In the middle of the dancing, a dozen gays crashed the festivities, holding signs which read, “We Want to Marry Gorillas Too!”

“I’d be happy to officiate at gay-gorilla weddings,” Rabbi Christy, herself a self-proclaimed lesbian, declared. “I don’t see any problem with it at all.”

“What about the rejection of non-Orthodox rabbis by the Chief Rabbinate in Israel?” a reporter asked her.

“Israel is a democracy, and in our enlightened day and age, democracy rules, not God,” Rabbi Christy answered. “Israel’s attorney general decided to equally recognize all religious congregational leaders, from whatever stream of Judaism, and grant them all the same standing and financial compensation from the State – and I am sure the Israel Supreme Court will agree.”

“What if Israel’s democracy should vote that Israel will no longer be a Jewish State?” another reporter queried.

“I would gladly accept that also,” the media-adored rabbi replied. “That would be an important step toward the universality of mankind and break down the myth of Jewish statehood which has too long been an obstacle to world peace. Judaism is a religion, not a nationality, and Jews don’t need a land of their own. Let all the Israelis come and live here in California. So many of them live here already. There’s plenty of room. And just as no person or peoples are holier than any other, neither is any land holier than the next.”

Of course, Orthodox Jews don’t agree with what they call “the circus wedding” and with the new-age opinions of the ultra-progressive woman rabbi, citing the Biblical verse, “Cursed be he who lies with any manner of beast” (Deut. 27:21), which classifies sexual relations with animals as a forbidden form of incest.

“What people do in their own bedrooms is their business,” Rabbi Christy maintains. “The Torah is out of date. Rabbis have always had the ability to enact new ordinances in keeping with the times. Besides, who says that Professor Grossman intends to have sexual relations with his wife? Today, as far as I am concerned, their platonic love for each other has been sanctified by the holy bonds of marriage, that’s all.”

“If they do have children, will they be Jewish?” the rabbi was asked.

“Of course. I presided over Gloria’s conversion myself,” she insisted. “She lights the Shabbat candles and loves to listen to the songs of Jewish cantors, especially Yossela Rosenblatt.” And then with a chuckle, she added, “If they have a child, we’ll call it a Jewilla!”

The whole affair started while Professor Grossman was conducting an anthropological research mission in the jungles of Africa on the mating habits of gorillas. “It was love at first sight,” he fondly recalls. “Gloria was different from all the other baboons and chimps. We had a special relationship right from the start. I arranged for her ocean voyage to America, divorced my wife, and today I am the happiest man in the world.”

But the path to the wedding chupah wasn’t without its share of hurdles. Some conservative streams of Judaism opposed the gorilla’s conversion. After a few weeks of vociferous debate, the different branches on non-Orthodox Judaism agreed to a simple test. Concurring that all Jews loved gefilta fish and bagels and lox, Gloria was brought before a panel of progressive, liberal, reform, and conservative rabbis, and presented with a plate of gefilta fish. With a disdainful swipe of her paw, she sent the small balls flying across the hall. Immediately, Professor Grossman stood up and protested, stating that gorillas were vegetarians and didn’t eat fish. One of the reform rabbis demanding the test be repeated, observing that no Jew really liked gefilta fish without horseradish, so a bowl of horseradish was quickly fetched and set before the gorilla with a new plate of gefilta fish. Once again, all the judges had to duck as the ape sent the little balls flying. But flashing her big white teeth in a winning smile, she scooped up the crimson horseradish in one of her giant paws and swallowed it down in a gulp.

“That proof enough for me!” one of the rabbis shouted.

“That only proves that she’s half Jewish,” a conservative rabbi countered.

So a platter of bagels and lox was set before the primate. Once again, holding its nose in a gesture of disdain, the vegetarian threw away the smelly strips of fish and started chomping on the bagels.

“That’s proof enough for me,” another conservative rabbi exclaimed. “If the ape likes bagels, that’s a sure sign that the conversion is valid and that the gorilla is a Jew in every regard!”

All in all, the Californian wedding was a lovely affair. Noticing a little old Jewish woman standing to the side of the dancing, this reporter went over to her and asked what she was doing at the wedding?

“I’m Manny’s grandmother,” she answered.

“How do you feel about the celebration?” I asked.

The old lady shrugged and let out a small sigh and said, “At least he had a Jewish wedding.”

 

About the Author: Tzvi Fishman was awarded the Israel Ministry of Education Prize for Creativity and Jewish Culture for his novel "Tevye in the Promised Land." For the past several years, he has written a popular and controversial blog at Arutz 7. A wide selection of his books are available at Amazon. The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not represent the views of The Jewish Press


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47 Responses to “Jew Marries Gorilla in Historic Ceremony”

  1. Nathan Katz says:

    I surely HOPE this is a parody.

  2. They should have saved this for Purim

  3. Heshy R says:

    Somebody has a lot of time on his hands.

  4. I wonder if Gloria consented to getting married.

  5. Freedom John says:

    Well of course when you don't read Torah you probably have no problem being as pagan as you want to. You are pathetically misguided and have sown the seeds of your own destruction and have been given over to a reprobate mind.

  6. Anonymous says:

    This entire story is absolutely absurd. I see now why there are so many antii semites in the world. I can also see why Judaism in the United States will be the destruction of the Jewish nation as we know it.

  7. Ariella Butler says:

    erev rav

  8. Cassandra Victoria says:

    To Freedom John and redbear358, if this upsets you then consider this; Christians have proselytised millions of people, some, in Africa, against their will. What is your problem with Jews wanting to stay Jewish and marry other Jews? Would you consider marrying a mozlem? The story is a metaphor, NOT reality!

  9. Cassandra Victoria says:

    Plus, you all have hundreds of Christian and mozlem countries: there is only ONE Jewish state; why? Because you non-Jews are so anti-semitic and we cannot live in your countries and be free! You have no rationale for this, just envy and spite!

  10. Globe Tribune says:

    What about plants? There is rampant discrimination against living species with roots. Any trip to a fruit and vegetable store is enough to bring tears to your eyes. I have seen tomatoes imprisoned in cellophane. I have seen apples piled on pop of each other. The sight of cbbage that was brutally shredded brought tears to my eyes. I have to stop typing, or my copiouys tears will short out my keyboard.

  11. Ruth Cohen says:

    oh my tzvi you rocked the boat again. how come some people don't have a sense of humour here. its funny, mocking the absurdities of mens ideas and look where it leads to when there are no clear standards.

  12. Beryl Cohen says:

    Never, never read such rubbish. Really I don’t know why I read it.

  13. Tzvi Fishman says:

    • I just received an angry email from the United Nations Animal Protection Agency strongly protested my blog on the grounds that it ridicules gorillas who, they claim, would never lower themselves to marry a Jew.

  14. Ariella Butler says:

    I know! Totally lost her freaking mind. Total insanity!! I have heard of Mnisters doing this crap too!

  15. Anonymous says:

    I think this joke is in very bad taste – and dangerous. There are a lot of ignorant people who might believe this actually occurred. Would you want this to go viral and be used by anti-Semites as proof that Jews are sub-human? That's what you're inviting.

    Also, I wish that conservative Jews would stop criticizing 'reform' Jews. We have enough enemies without turning on one another.

  16. You tree-huggers make me sick!

  17. Has everybody gone ape around here?

  18. All you need to know about this are contained in 3 words: Marin County, California.

  19. Aaron Turetsky Sr. says:

    I wonder whether two gorillas can have a Jewish wedding.

  20. Lol! Não são judeus.

  21. Globe Tribune says:

    What's wrong with hugging a tree? What a hortiphobe! My trees are always's there when I get home. They never go away. So they don't like to go out much. One organism. One vote!

  22. Globe Tribune says:

    Do they read megillah Gorilla in that shul?

  23. Freedom John says:

    First of all Cassandra, I truly thought that this was real and I'm more than miffed that I fell for it because I lived in California for quite a while and I've seen what kind of very strange absurdities go on in that environment, men wanting to marry their dogs etc. That's from my experience so that cannot be taken away. As far as Jews not wanting to marry outside Judaism, I have absolutely no problem with that whatsoever. I understand it, number one, and number two, it is in the Torah. Unfortunately, one of the shuls that I've attended for Torah study probably wouldn't have an iota of difficulty with this story happening and would probably applaud it. They are only tradition oriented anyway and as far as the Torah being true or not or just a bunch of stories and whether G-d is really real, or Moses or the Jews of the Bible being a bunch of blood thirsty uncivilized people anyway is right up their alley. Along with blaming they Jews in Israel for the problem with the Arabs and if they'd just give up the land, peace would break out as never before imagined. You can probably guess which denomination I've referring to. No, not Messianic. As far as my statement about not reading Torah and being as pagan as they want to by not knowing and understanding it, that stands. I won't back off of that.

  24. Only if the female is Jewish.

  25. They have to sing "Gorilla My Dreams" under the chuppa.

  26. Hello, it's satire! But the IDF could use the offspring of such a union. They could train him/her as an expert in gorilla warfare.

  27. I believe the source for permitting such a marriage is in a responsum of R. Yonatan Ape****z.

  28. The idea here is simple… once you open “The flood gates” and say that “even though” it says very clearly and with no way of a different meaning that you can not lie with an animal or with same sex people and you “accept” that today as “politically” “Halachiclly” OK …. you basically do not follow Torah. There is NO OTHER WAY to explain the following verses and if you think you could please do. If Torah is ETERNAL with laws that do not CHANGE over time than there is no debate. PERIOD http://www.mechon-mamre.org/p/pt/pt0.htm
    כא אָרוּר, שֹׁכֵב עִם-כָּל-בְּהֵמָה; וְאָמַר כָּל-הָעָם, אָמֵן. {ס} 21 Cursed be he that lieth with any manner of beast. And all the people shall say: Amen. {S} Deut. 27:21 .
    כב וְאֶת-זָכָר–לֹא תִשְׁכַּב, מִשְׁכְּבֵי אִשָּׁה: תּוֹעֵבָה, הִוא. 22 Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind; it is abomination–Leviticus 18:22 – also Leviticus 20:13

  29. Freedom John says:

    I discovered this was a joke. I fell for it too.

  30. Adam Kratt says:

    I find this whole article in bad taste. Torah clearly forbids humans and animals relations. But beyond that it makes a mockery of modern Jewish movements. While I have no doubt that one day in the Reformed or Reconstructionist movements something as absurd as this might happen. I doubt that in the Conservative or Traditional much less Orthodox and asinine conversion or marriage would occurred. This may be a spoof, but there are enouh Anti_Semites who might use trash like this as a propaganda tool.

  31. Solange Saraga says:

    This is neither funny nor appropriate. Only creating more distortion and anti semitism. Be more "creative".

  32. Solange Saraga says:

    This is neither funny nor appropriate. Only causing more confusion , distortion and anti semitism. Please be more "creative".

  33. Good one, Yehoshua Friedman

  34. Liad Bar-el says:

    This is as funny as a barrel of monkeys. I’d be a monkey’s uncles if Tzvi didn’t make a monkey out of this PDLR Rabbi who wants to monkey around with the Torah and throw a monkey wrench on the sanctity of marriage. But wait! Are we not talking about an 800 pound gorilla in the room who can do just about anything it wants, including marrying a Jew who was probably even wearing a monkey suit to the wedding? I think I’ll just monkey my way out of here and go eat a banana or something.:-)

  35. Muriel Coudurier-Curveur says:

    How about the problem of informed consent before contracting a marriage? The piece is superficially funny, but completely absurd in light, not only of Judaism, but also basic logic.

  36. Louis Gavin says:

    It's a NWO Mossad plan to eradicate humanity as we know it.

  37. disgusting, he calls himself,herself a rabbi

  38. Elana Solomonov says:

    People who do not like the story are either not jewish or are erev rav. Am i right or what?

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Tzvi Fishman, author of the Jewish Press blog Felafel on Rye and author of more than a dozen books.
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